Need some advice. A coworker who I thought was also a friend (we've hung out several times outside of work and seemed to have a lot of fun together) was complaining about something that I didn't agree with. I let her know that I didn't agree and was a bit upset with what she'd said. Well it started world war three!
She's now talking about how we're not friends, removed me from her facebook friends list, told other people she's going to try to get moved to another department, and so on and so on.
I'm totally thrown by how disagreeing with her over something that really isn't that big of a deal turned into..well.. just that.
I guess my question is - given this situation would you apologize for having an opinion just to smooth things over? Ignore it and hope it goes away? Obviously any options of friendship are over at this point but I'm just not sure how to keep going on at work we are in a small space and can't exactly avoid each other.
I'm really upset about this whole thing. Other coworkers seem to think she's just nuts and don't get what the big deal is... and that I shouldn't have to apologize for answering her question honestly. But I just want things to be easy at work, you know?
Take the high road and ignore this crap, throw out an olive branch is you like "we agree to disagree". But I mean come on this is work and life and were all grown. She sounds like a drama mama looking for spice in her day, don't play and she can go somewhere else for it.
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It's hard when there's tension between coworkers.
There are certain people at my work that I often disagree with, but I know to keep my mouth shut and keep it to myself.
I have come the the realization that I am at work to do my job and do it to my utmost ability and all the other crap is just crap.
You shouldn't apologize for giving your opinion.
I would be cordial and leave it at that. If she holds a "grudge", then that's on her.
I would, personally, go to her and say that I was sorry that she was hurt that I didn't agree with her. And that I really don't want WWIII going on, and that I was sorry that she was hurt that I didn't take her "side" in the discussion. And if she argues, I'd pretty much agree with her and say that I didn't forsee that this would be a big deal, and that I was sorry.
THEN, I would create a big distance between us. I would be polite, cordial, but not friendly like before.
Sounds weird BUT:
1. You are at the workplace. You don't need the aggravation of "she said, she said" blah blah blah. You don't need to be identified as a source of disharmony either. And if that means you need to be the bigger person and smooth things over, I personally would do that. I've said lots of things for the sake of office harmony. I don't have to MEAN it! I have my friends away from the office that I can vent to.
2. You are entitled to your opinions, for sure, and I'm not saying that you should AGREE with her or take her side. You just now know that you don't need to be involved in office drama like this. So take her off the "trusted" list -- once burned, twice shy, so to speak.
3. If she wants to co-opt you in the future with respect to opinions and advice, I would absolutely tell her that I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS STUFF. It becomes office drama, with some not speaking to others and rumors and so on. No good ever comes of office drama.
The job market is pretty tight. You gotta get back to a cordial relationship and divorce yourself from the drama. It'll help you in the long run. And don't co-opt other coworkers into this situation. It isn't fair to the entire office to get people to take sides over interpersonal drama...
Kind of the same thing happened to me with a coworker. I tried to talk to her by saying that my intention was not to hurt her feelings and I apologized if it came across like that. I never apologized for what I said, but I never wanted to hurt her or make her feel bad. I just didn't agree with how she was handling a work situation and my opinion hurt her because of our personal friendship. She was mad for a long time, but eventually got over it and we are friends again. So, my advice is to acknowledge her hurt feelings and tell her it was never your intention to hurt her or jeopordize your friendship and you are sorry for coming across that way. That is all you can do. Let her work out her own anger on her own terms and don't get sucked into her drama.
Given that your co-workers all think she's full of it, and she's not your boss, I think it's best to ignore it. I think it will go away faster than if you try to talk to her. I have a really hard time just letting things go sometimes, but I'm trying to learn.
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Thanks guys! I've been obsessing over this all night and all morning. I haven't got a clue what to say to her to but I think I should think of something lest this fester. And you're right- I don't need to look like a trouble maker at work!!
You've given me some more stuff to think about before I do anything.
Someone that immature and dramatic isn't worth your time.
If she starts talking to your boss about you, then say something. but if she wants to be nutty because you disagreed with her, that's her problem. Unless you disagreed with her in a not-so-polite way, then I can understand her being upset. But if you politely disagreed, then she has no reason to be that mad.
well i thought about it and I wrote her an email apologizing for my reaction to her but not for my opposing opinion. she decided to either delete without reading or not respond. either way- i can feel better about being done with it, even if she isn't.
things are pretty tense though, she won't speak to anybody at work and even left using a different door last night! wtf?!?! something bigger must be going on then just an argument with me... i hope.
anyway thanks for the advice, i feel much better knowing that i at least tried to make things right.
apparently i made things worse. i got told off today... but - i am feeling better about ending this for good. i thought there was a friendship in there that would be salvageable but now i know there is not. and frankly i'd rather know sooner then later into a friendship, eh?
thanks for all the great advice as always. you all are awesome!
Cut and run, baby! You don't need the aggro and the drama...you didn't make things worse, you did the right thing. If you HADN'T said anything, it would have been STILL your fault because you "didn't apologize". If you DID agree with everything she said, you'd be in the middle of more drama and when it all went bad, it would be YOUR FAULT for agreeing with her...there are no simple answers, only that you don't need the drama.
Last edited by kiramira : 07-04-2009 at 02:50 PM.
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