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On being a single chick

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Old 07-02-2009, 12:14 AM   #1
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So, I'm on the other side of 45 and have been single for 13 years now (yikes, that's a long time). I've dated on and off a little since my divorce, but I can't honestly call any of it a "relationship". Most of the time I am truly OK with that; I have a demanding job, a home to take care of, and until recently I had adult kids in various stages of moving out. Now they're both gone, which is sometimes nice and sometimes not.

Because I've been rather chunky over much of those 13 years, I haven't had to worry too much about relationships or attention from men. A few years ago, I briefly was down in the low 200's and was getting more attention from men, but then I gained it back. Now I'm back in that vicinity again and sure enough, I'm noticing more attention again. Nothing unmanageable (I'm not THAT hot! LOL), but enough to have my old anxiety problem start to flare up.

I want to get past this! I want to keep right on losing, want to get into Onederland, and might even want to find a nice man to go to the movies with. So what the heck is this anxiety about? And why do I feel very stressed out and almost upset the last few days? Do any of you other single chicks experience this?
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Old 07-02-2009, 12:23 AM   #2
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The only anxiety I experience regarding men is that I won't find a good one. LOL

I'm 42, never been married, never had children and I'm definitely on the prowl next year! Or maybe later this year.
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Old 07-02-2009, 12:42 AM   #3
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Yeah, dealing with this big time. I've been trying to meet people and develop some friendships since I now have time too. Can't figure out any other way so I've been trying online.

First came the discussion with my DDs about "Body Type". I put down "Few extra lbs". The girls said I couldn't do that or every one would think I'm fat. I said I was, they said I wasn't. Youngest one declared me "Buff-fat". We settled on "Average". Then, getting letters from guys with "nice legs", "you're cute" and other such. It feels weird. Try to ask them about THEMSELVES, and still get comments about my body.

Getting looked at in public again too. I married my X when I was 24. Everyone in the town we lived in knew he was the biggest man in the county, so folks were really careful not to get caught looking me up and down. Here, not so much. Getting blatantly stared at sucks, and, I don't care if the guy doing it is good looking. It freaks me out.

I came to realize it's because I'm not any different on the inside than I was 50 lbs ago and this crap is making me feel like folks didn't think I mattered then. Same brain is still here. Same heart. Didn't lose any of that stuff as I lost weight. Not going to lose any of it as I go for the goal. Also having to realize it's going to keep happening for awhile, at least til I start getting wrinkles and going gray. Then, I will stop mattering again.
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:15 AM   #4
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I'm in the process of getting divorced, I'm 48, and I am freaked out with the idea of anyone being attracted to me right now. Both my sons are living with me, and they're 17 and 11 and very much not prepared for their mother to move on with a new man. When they come to understand that their father has been "in the process" of moving on for the last 11 years, well, that's the time I'll need to get us a family therapist.

In the meantime, I think I need to talk to my therapist about moving on with life and what place men have in it. I literally married the first guy that came along, 25 years ago. I never actually dated. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I've never been with anyone other than my husband.

I know that hanging on to the excess weight has been a way for me to manage my behavior with men. I love to flirt. I'm not shy. Even if I've weighed 300+, men have flirted back. Men of color seem to really be attracted to me, so I love talking to African-American, Arab, Egyptian and Indian men. White men seem intimidated by me, or they have a problem with their "ego" being serviced properly by being seen with a fat-bottomed girl. I don't need that sort of man in my life any longer.

But despite my flirtatious nature, I find myself hiding behind my sons, my responsibilities and my personal ambitions. I don't want remain alone in the future. And I don't know where my life is headed just now. I've recently moved back to my hometown (not what I wanted to do) in order to care for my ailing parents, and I have to stay here at least until my youngest is done with high school and goes off to college. So I need to build a life for myself that will serve my needs for the next seven years.

I don't want to be fat for another seven years, or for another three years, for that matter. I really don't care to be romantically imposed upon right now. I am enjoying my freedom, but is it really freedom if I'm not free from the extra weight and everything that goes with it?

I do have the right and the power to say no to men. I have the right to be with a man on my terms, and if he walks away because he doesn't like my terms, I can live with that. I don't know what men and women really are like these days in the dating world, but I absolutely don't want to be wanted because of what I look like. My ex liked the way I look, then he assigned characteristics to me and told me that's what I was supposed to be like, and then reminded me how often I fell short of the mark. I am NOT falling victim to that again!

So I guess I need to make a wide variety of new friends, re-kindle some old friendships, find some meaningful activities, and pursue my dreams. If I come across some others who want to go along my path with me for a period of time, I will welcome them. I have no problem kicking them off my path if I need to. I will probably have a problem with sharing my heart. I don't trust myself, and I'm struggling with trusting others...the ones with body parts I don't possess.

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Old 07-02-2009, 03:07 AM   #5
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I was just wondering, this hot and sleepless night, about the whole emotional thing, and how, now that I consider myself just the high end of 'normal', and all my feelings that were submerged by or excused by fat are bubbling up.

In my 20s I got down, briefly, to 114. A co-worker that I liked, and in my immature head had thought it would be good to 'go out with', literally jumped me and wrestled me to the ground. Baffled by my look of horror, he left. No concsciously, that was the end of being slim and I ate up to 242 20 years later.

In my 40s I got down, briefly, to 136. I looked better, I had more confidence in general social situations but I have no sense of men looking at me at all. Now, you've seen my photos. I know I'm not Miss World or even her mother/granny but I'm not a bucket of spanners either. So my question is, how do you
even become aware that men are lookin at you?
That you're lookable at?
project lookability?

I totally feel less than a woman in this area because I just don't know how to do attraction.

I've got loads of other stuff bubbling up - including the panic feelings of 'he's looking at me' leading to total panic and 'what's wrong with him?' amongst others but don't want to hijack the thread. Interesting one.
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:29 AM   #6
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I think we try to hide behind our fat. I know I have used it in the past to keep intimacy away particularly in a marriage where I would reach out and be knocked away on a regular basis. Plus food has been a comfort when nothing else can be.

My advice is let go, remember feelings aren't reality when some man is attracted and you start to panic; acknowledge the feeling, accept it, remember you don't have to act on it, and move forward with you. What do the PCD say:

I don't give a
Keep looking at my
'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my
Ha, I'ma do my thing while you're playing with your
Ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha

And I really believe this, when your ready to really put yourself out there and be squished and vulnerable you will and he(or she) will be there.
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Old 07-02-2009, 09:41 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Windchime View Post
I want to get past this! I want to keep right on losing, want to get into Onederland, and might even want to find a nice man to go to the movies with. So what the heck is this anxiety about? And why do I feel very stressed out and almost upset the last few days? Do any of you other single chicks experience this?
I'm 45, and yes, I feel that anxiety too. thinking about attraction and guys makes me focus on my body more. when I'm relaxed and feel sexy and confident, I notice more attention (and I enjoy it more).

I'm thinking for myself, that I just need to relax, and feel in control, I get to decide how I react to any attention, whether it's to smile and walk away, or flirt back, or ignore it. (it's not like I'm Marilyn Monroe in any event, heh heh).

I think it's the out of control feelings that can start to make those anxieties interfere with my weight loss efforts.
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Old 07-02-2009, 09:56 AM   #8
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Now, you've seen my photos. I know I'm not Miss World or even her mother/granny but I'm not a bucket of spanners either.
LOL Ailidh, this made me laugh. You're definitely more attractive than a bucket of spanners; in fact, your most recent picture is dowright cute. I know what you mean, though. I'm not beautiful, but I'm also not stupid--I know I could have it much, much worse in the looks department. As I get thinner, I start to see hints of the somewhat pretty girl that I was in high school. Some days I think I am more approachable than others; other days when I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl from January. I was in a lot of pictures this weekend at my class reunion; in them, I still look like one of the heaviest, biggest women. It's kind of depressing.

I'm down a pound this morning. I think what my plan is for right now is to keep moving forward. I'm only 2 pounds away from the weight where I got freaked out and stopped last time; I'm ignoring that milestone this time and have my eye set on Onederland. I'm just going to keep hanging out here, keep doing things with female friends, and just hope that I somehow/someday run into the guy for me. But I have to tell you all that I'm really, really, really lonely for significant male companionship (if ya know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge).
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Old 07-02-2009, 11:47 AM   #9
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wow, windchime, congratulations on getting so close to where you stopped last time, that's mega!

thing is, attractiveness is not about the weight. I've been doing a lot of people watching recently and seen a lot of women much bigger than me who ooze attractiveness and femininity. I just don't know how to do it.

That's not attention/reassurance seeking, not asking any chick to say, but honey you're gorgeous; I literally don't know how to do it. I do know I give out not available/interested signals, because I have an absolute inner certainty that I'm not attractive, one of those 'know in my head it's illogical but in my heart it's just a given' feelings that are so hard to shake, if ever.

Today I can't imagine ever wanting 'signifcant male companionship nudge wink' ever again, it's too darn hot and sticky, and this is the UK's first hot week for about ten years, so we don't have much air-conditioning; but I used to quite like it, although I had to sink into a deep recess of the mind because I felt so bad about my body, and I'd like to see if it is, as they tell me, like riding a bike..... :wink:

Hope you find your bike er man soon!
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Old 07-02-2009, 11:57 AM   #10
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I will say that weight has nothing to do with your ability to date. I will say I never had tons of dates but my entire 'dating career' involved me being 300 lbs or more. At my highest weight (360s), I was dating someone. I started dating my husband when I had just got to around 300 lbs but he had known me at my highest weight. I think I just had to be open to the idea of dating and willing to just go out there and do it.
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Old 07-02-2009, 12:10 PM   #11
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not trying to be thick here - but how? honestly, I'm not joking, how do I do it?
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:33 PM   #12
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Sexy is as sexy does. I would strongly recommend "The Women's Sex Bible", smiling, and being yourself.
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:37 PM   #13
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I dunno about this either. I am around your age, never married , down into slightly overweight category and men still freak me out. I still feel fat and the idea things may ever progress to a point where I have to get .. neked... makes me queasy. I don't even like seeing my lumps and bulges and sags. What would a man think about them? Ugh

But I don't even get to that point because I get no attention from men, other than my personal trainer but I PAY him to pay attention to me. I still feel ignored and slighted and unattractive. More my issue than anyone else's I suppose but I haven't figured a way to deal with itther than to just keep living my life as it is. Not unhappy, but I know there could be more
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:47 PM   #14
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I dunno about this either. I am around your age, never married , down into slightly overweight category and men still freak me out. I still feel fat and the idea things may ever progress to a point where I have to get .. neked... makes me queasy. I don't even like seeing my lumps and bulges and sags. What would a man think about them? Ugh

But I don't even get to that point because I get no attention from men, other than my personal trainer but I PAY him to pay attention to me. I still feel ignored and slighted and unattractive. More my issue than anyone else's I suppose but I haven't figured a way to deal with itther than to just keep living my life as it is. Not unhappy, but I know there could be more
Men just want us naked, they are rarely as critical as we are they few that are, are not worth anything.
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:57 PM   #15
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Honestly, I always had issues with dating because I was shy and not very open to dating. Once I decided to open up, try to act confident, tell myself I was beautiful and willing to talk to men and look them in the eye and even smile a bit, then I got more attention from men. I've known many heavy women who have had no issue with men and it is usually because they exude confidence.

It was a hard thing for me to do especially at first. I also went for a shy boy or actually he went for me, I tried to establish a good friendship with him, he was the one that took the step further.
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