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Found out my boyfriends dad has cancer =(

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Old 06-05-2009, 05:55 PM   #1
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Unhappy Found out my boyfriends dad has cancer =(

So I just found out late last night that my boyfriends dad has been diagnosed with throat cancer. They have to do more testing before they know more details I guess and whether or not its treatable although my boyfriend told me they think they caught it in the early stages. So as of right now although I don't know much information about it I have been worried and stressed out all day long. I am CERTAIN that smoking cigerettes led to his dad getting cancer. He's been a smoker all his life as has my boyfriends mom, and so also my boyfriend and his younger brother (who all live in the same house together) have been always been smokers...my boyfriend actually didn't start smoking himself until about 4 years ago and hes talked about quitting on several occassions but won't because its his "time and stress filler" although he says its not b/c of being addicted to the tobacco itself. Now I am just concerned b/c I am hoping for one that his dad will stop smoking (but god knows...) and I think that his family should be supportive of him hopefully Recovering and I think they should stop smoking themselves. I espcially now have a lot of concern for my boyfriend, and his smoking, so far I've been living in the here and now and haven't really thought that much about it, but knowing how this is going to impact his life HAS finally made me pay attention. I very much would like it if my boyfriend will stop smoking now. I hope this is his wake up call since my other attempts didn't work out. And I even feel guilty because I've become accustomed to buying him a few packs when he is broke and its become kind of a regular thing. I plan on not supporting his smoking anymore though. If he decides to keep smoking it will totally be all on his own accord of buying for them and paying for them. But than there is the subject that I have always let him smoke around me, in my car and in my apartment and now I am even having second thoughts about how comfortable I am with that. I myself haven't really thought much about the risk of 2nd hand smoke but Now I am.
Now I know I need to be a supportive and caring girlfriend to him at this time in his life, its going to be really difficult seeing his dad suffer...they are very close. So I dont want to lay all of my thoughts on him and anger him and possibly push him away =( So how do I go about letting him know how I feel? I tend to act without thinking and regret later so this time I just hope some of you can weigh in on your advice with how you think I should approach this...I really do not want to lose my boyfriend and I know that if we stay together I will have to compromise with whatever decisions he makes, but I would hope he would compromise a little to...but I just don't know if he would and maybe its to late seeing as how we've been together 9 months and asking him to change now might make me seem like a hypocrit or something? All I know is that if we do last I don't want him to smoke forever and if he ever lived with me, I wouldn't want him to be a smoker at that point...at least not in the house...but I mean really its because I would hope the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with won't die 30 years before me because of a choice to use tobacco when it could have been prevented? I guess I'm just realizing all of this now =( Sorry this was so long...
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:09 PM   #2
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This is very similar to telling someone they need to lose weight -- your boyfriend already knows he does something that is dangerous to his health (unless of course he's been living under a rock since birth and has completely missed all of the warnings on TV, radio, internet, and the cigarette packages when he buys them). Telling him that he needs to stop smoking is going to set you up for a difficult time if he's not the one bringing it up himself. And nicotine is a nasty addiction, it's HARD for many people to quit, even when they know the probability of smoking-related disease.

This may not be exactly the best time for your boyfriend, but you may want to think long and hard about whether his smoking is a deal-breaker for you. There is no guarantee in life that a non-smoker won't die 30 years before you either. But it raises the risks.
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:28 PM   #3
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pointing out the obvious doesn't alway work,he may do it on his own--

my Dad quit smoking after watching his fave uncle die from emphysema

my brother quit several times before quitting for good after having an angina attack at 36 and a nurse telling him that he could exercise, eat right but if he didn't quit smoking he'd have a real heart attack by 40

my sil has had the procedures done to her legs from poor circulation due to smoking...her big toe is turning black and will need to be removed eventually--she refuses to quit smoking..

my step mother quit after she had parts of both lungs removed...at 76 she has begun again at a nursing home of all places...

I am soooo glad I never started...

on a side note..

we are waiting for tests to see if my Mom's metastic skin cancer is gone after a round of chemo and radiation--it moved into her lymph glands and saliva glands--she gets a cat scan this month and it will finally show if they got it all--it is a very long and hard process that began back in December...I feel for you and all the family
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:34 PM   #4
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Let me tell you about my friend Arlene, she has lung cancer. She does not smoke. But her husband was a smoker. She got cancer because of second hand smoke. If I were you I would tell my BF that he is not to smoke around you, in your house, or in your car. Tell him you will not be buying him any cigarettes or loaning him money to do so. Now this part will be hard, do not go to his parents house. You can google for information on second hand smoke and the dangers. You can also ask your doctor about it or the American Cancer Society.
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:37 PM   #5
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Bargoo makes some good points!

I will keep him in my prayers!
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:05 PM   #6
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Thanks Bargoo as hard as its going to be I think you are right and that is what I should do. I really hope he doesnt break up with me because of it...
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:22 PM   #7
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I think that you need to express your thoughts and concerns on it.... tell him that you really really care about him and wish he would quit.... but tell him you know it's his decision in life to make. You can't force someone to want to better themselves.... even if they try for you, eventually they're just going to start resenting you for making them do it when they didn't want to themselves. But, letting him know your concern and sadness over it.... well, that might just make him think a little bit without feeling pressured. Also, you might want to wait a bit... he might be a little sensitive with what's happening with his dad. :/

And, to be fair, my sister and brother's father is currently dying of throat cancer (that spread everywhere despite all treatments) and he never smoked. It happens.
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:50 PM   #8
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Oh no starfish kitty that is absolutly horrible but I will take your advice and try to ease into it I guess...
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:34 PM   #9
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Mizmizzy, for what it's worth I think your decision to stop supporting your bf's smoking and to stop being around second hand smoke is a great one. Cigarettes are NOT a good option to relieve stress, what an excuse!
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:59 PM   #10
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Thanks for the support and advice you guys it really helps me feel alot better about taking this step <3
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:01 PM   #11
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For me, smoking was a deal breaker.

Good luck with this. Just keep in mind that your DB has to quit for him, not anyone else.

My dad used to smoke, but when my mom got pregnant with my oldest sister, he quit cold turkey. And never smoked again -- that was 45 years ago. So it can be done. But sadly, he has to be the one to make that decision...

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Old 06-05-2009, 10:45 PM   #12
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Yeah kiramira, you're completely right and I just hope he makes that choice soon. I really care for him and don't want anything bad to befall him even if we weren't together I would feel that way. I love him more than anything, despite our many differences, lol...I hope we'll work through everything together...and I hope his dad will be okay and as well make some better choices in the future should be have a chance at being healthy again! <3
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:58 PM   #13
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You know, you just might have to breathe a bit on this one, so that your DB can sort out his feelings about what has happened, and perhaps the message will sink in...Sometimes it takes a significant emotional event to spur on change, and this might do it for him. And maybe just sitting a bit and seeing what happens might be a good thing to do. There is always time for this heavy discussion, and maybe a bit of a breather would do some good. Just a thought...

Best of luck...

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Old 06-05-2009, 11:01 PM   #14
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And please stay aware of second hand smoke. And how it may affect you.
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Old 06-06-2009, 02:37 PM   #15
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Thanks <3 I will trust your advice and my intuition with this one. And I will think before I speak...lol.
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