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Loveless Marriages

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Old 06-04-2009, 01:21 PM   #1
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Question Loveless Marriages

I'm curious, if you were in a loveless marriage....would you stay, or would you move on also allowing your spouse to move on to find the love & the happiness you both deserve?
And just to clarify "loveless".....I'm talking about not doing things or going places together as a couple, conversation that only consists of "generalities", never hearing "I Love You", no hugs or kisses, separate bedrooms....I think you get the point.
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:35 PM   #2
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I moved on.
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:37 PM   #3
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well i was with mine for 10 years and just left 2 1/2 weeks ago, my main reason for leaving was just that, no more hugs, kisses, i love you's.... he became a mean and angry person over the last three years, now he says i love you since i left..... but i have no plans on going back!!! and i haven't cried once...
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:37 PM   #4
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I think its hard to handle what if situations but I think if it ever happened to me but we still did things together/were friends, I'd stay as long as we were both happy with that. My husband is my best friend and as long as that part of the relationship stayed, I'd be happy.
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:45 PM   #5
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I would move on. Life is short to be unhappy, or without love, supportive and friendship. You can't get those days back, so why waste them being depressed and unloved. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, who is my bestfriend. However, prior to us being together I was in a 'crappy' marriage. I gave it an second chance, nothing changed and I left never going back. That was 20 years ago.
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:46 PM   #6
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Oops, I should have clarified, you & spouse are not best friends....you barely speak & when you do, its just about general things....you do not spend time together. Basically, you are coridal to each other when you have to be & you tolerate each other. And when out in public or in front of the family, you "go through the motions" that everything is ok.
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:53 PM   #7
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Unless there is a financial reason, special needs kid that needs both the parents etc.. I'd say move on... What are you going to gain by just staying the same house as strangers. I would be much more happier having a caring roommate than an indifferent husband..
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:03 PM   #8
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Everyone is different, of course. But remember that people and thus marriages go through different stages.

I am a very difficult person to live with. No, I'm not being down on myself. I have issues. So does my husband. We went through a long "loveless" period where neither one of us wanted to change anything--either about ourselves or our situation.

Neither of us could change the other--but somehow, independently, we both decided to "try" and make things work again.

I would love for us to go for professional counselling, but there's no way my husband would agree to letting strangers know anything about us--heck he won't even communicate his thoughts and feelings to me. (Which is part of the problem.)

We've been married 12 years, we have two kids--and we are both very serious people --especially when it comes to keeping our word. And we promised to stay together through thick and thin.

But I tell you, I was this close to a trial separation this spring.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:05 PM   #9
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For me, it would depend on a lot of things. I know "staying for the sake of the children," isn't particularly popular anymore, but I would stay in a loveless marriage if I had kids so long as it wasn't a likeless or respectless marriage.

I also would make sure that the love and like couldn't be rekindled. I told my husband that I expected to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage. We've been married over six years and there have been months long stretches when I could barely stand him, but (at least so far) it's always been rekindleable. We've never had to go to couples' counseling to rekindle, but we would before deciding it wasn't possible - that was an agreement we made before getting married.

I was taught though that love was an action, not just a feeling. Feelings can come and go, but the real power of love is in behaving lovingly even when the feelings aren't there. I've been very fortunate though, in that the actions have always eventually reinspired the feelings.

Hubby and I have also had a difficult relationships at times. We've called it "the crash course in marrage," because in only six years we've faced a cancer scare, unemployment, bankruptcy, job loss, an out-of-state move, chronic illness, severe injury, and disability (both of us). There have been times we've probably each wished the other "gone," but we also have a commitment to each other that transends our ability to dislike one another.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:15 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGyrl View Post
Oops, I should have clarified, you & spouse are not best friends....you barely speak & when you do, its just about general things....you do not spend time together. Basically, you are coridal to each other when you have to be & you tolerate each other. And when out in public or in front of the family, you "go through the motions" that everything is ok.
I'm quite new to this marriage thing but I don't think there could be enough reasons (financial, stability, children etc) to keep me in a marriage like that. I'm assuming we're talking traditional marriage where there's an understanding that it's NOT ok to seek marriage-like intimacy/love/partnership outside of the marriage. If I thought the marriage was worthwhile for some reason and I was allowed to find love elsewhere, it may be worth maintaining... although I'd be limiting my options for love to people who are ok with their partner being married to someone else, so that might make things difficult.

I think, to summarize, if my marriage excluded the possibility of love from my life, I would NOT stay. But if I could have a loveless marriage and love on the side, it would depend upon the situation.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:15 PM   #11
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I was taught though that love was an action, not just a feeling. Feelings can come and go, but the real power of love is in behaving lovingly even when the feelings aren't there. I've been very fortunate though, in that the actions have always eventually reinspired the feelings.
I feel this way too. Sometimes my husband makes me mad (and I'm sure I make him mad) but we made a choice to commit ourselves to one another and I will do my best to make it work, no matter what. I've already told my husband he isn't getting out of of the marriage, no matter what. For me, this marriage is forever and there would have to be a lot of things to happen in order for us to end it.

If there was a point where we didn't speak to eachother and were basically strangers, I would seek counseling and approach my husband to see how he feels about the relationship. It would be a shame to let it go that far but there was a point where two people loved eachother enough to get married, its worth at least trying to see if there is something to salvage. As long as the relationship isn't abusive.

I'm not even thinking about having kids in the mix although that is definitely another part of the equation and a reason to work even harder to try to see if something is there to be salvaged.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:18 PM   #12
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I think, to summarize, if my marriage excluded the possibility of love from my life, I would NOT stay. But if I could have a loveless marriage and love on the side, it would depend upon the situation.
I don't know, for me this would signal a marriage was over if either party was seeking love on the side. If both parties agreed to it though, I suppose it is one way to stay married but I personally couldn't take part in it. I truly believe that you shouldn't start another relationship before you end your current one although I know there are many ideas of marriage and there are "open" marriages and what not.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:22 PM   #13
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Quote:
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It would be a shame to let it go that far but there was a point where two people loved eachother enough to get married

What if love was never involved from day 1? Perhaps you were young and married for the wrong reasons like insecurity or just wanting someone to take care of you for the rest of your life. Nothing to do with love.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:25 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGyrl View Post
I'm curious, if you were in a loveless marriage....would you stay, or would you move on also allowing your spouse to move on to find the love & the happiness you both deserve?
And just to clarify "loveless".....I'm talking about not doing things or going places together as a couple, conversation that only consists of "generalities", never hearing "I Love You", no hugs or kisses, separate bedrooms....I think you get the point.
love is an action and choice, not a feeling. All the things you list, can be fixed, you just have to make a the choice to want to. To start going places together, start hugging, start kissing, start saying I love you. Ever seen or read The Love Dare?
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:33 PM   #15
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love is an action and choice, not a feeling. All the things you list, can be fixed, you just have to make a the choice to want to. To start going places together, start hugging, start kissing, start saying I love you. Ever seen or read The Love Dare?
I totally agree, love is an action & a choice. When 2 people get to the point they barely speak and don't show each other any affection for years....that is their choice and the action they've chosen to take.
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