What if love was never involved from day 1? Perhaps you were young and married for the wrong reasons like insecurity or just wanting someone to take care of you for the rest of your life. Nothing to do with love.
I'm unsure because it isn't a situation I've been in. I would say at that point it would depend on the interest of either party keeping the marriage together or determining if there is an actual reason to stay married.
I've been aquainted with several couples in arranged marriages - no "love" at the start. In fact, one woman married her husband after only a few minutes after meeting him. My sisters' best friend's parents (from India) are an extremely loving couple - ironically the groom's mother was primarily responsible for "choosing her" as a wife for her son, and now dislikes the woman as much as many traditional American mother-in-laws (probably for the same reason, her son loves and likes the wife more than mommy).
I think in many ways, the dating/courting, hormonal "love" is highly over-rated. It's the building a life together that "sticks" a couple together. I have no idea whether you and your husband can build a satisfying life and marriage together. As things are going, probably not. Could you and he change that? I think the answer is probably yes - if you both want to and work at it. But the bigger question is whether you do want to and are willing to. If the answer is no, on either of your parts, then the chances for success are much slimmer.
I totally agree, love is an action & a choice. When 2 people get to the point they barely speak and don't show each other any affection for years....that is their choice and the action they've chosen to take.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods
I have no idea whether you and your husband can build a satisfying life and marriage together. As things are going, probably not. Could you and he change that? I think the answer is probably yes - if you both want to and work at it. But the bigger question is whether you do want to and are willing to. If the answer is no, on either of your parts, then the chances for success are much slimmer.
Ummmm...I think you've gotten the wrong idea here....DBF & I are very happy
If the marriage is loveless and both partners don't want to work on it- then I would move on.
I've known people to stay until they go from just neutral to outright hate of each other. I've known men and women to stay married but just have affairs- and in all those cases that they have stayed for the kids- well kids aren't stupid- they know when mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore... No matter how well you hide it from the kids they know. Take for example my friend and his wife- his wife was cheating on him- gave him a sexually transmitted disease and he STILL tried to make it work- they NEVER fought in front of the children and then one day his daughter who was 8 at the time said "mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore do they?" And let me say my jaw just dropped cuz they were so careful. Eventually they divorced and it's been better for both of them IMO.
In any case I'd always move on- I'd rather my children see that I'm a happy mother and that you don't have to stay in a loveless marriage- I'd hate if in the future my children were in loveless marriages- I'd want them to find happiness.
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Originally Posted by beerab
If the marriage is loveless and both partners don't want to work on it- then I would move on.
I've known people to stay until they go from just neutral to outright hate of each other. I've known men and women to stay married but just have affairs- and in all those cases that they have stayed for the kids- well kids aren't stupid- they know when mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore... No matter how well you hide it from the kids they know. Take for example my friend and his wife- his wife was cheating on him- gave him a sexually transmitted disease and he STILL tried to make it work- they NEVER fought in front of the children and then one day his daughter who was 8 at the time said "mommie and daddie don't love each other anymore do they?" And let me say my jaw just dropped cuz they were so careful. Eventually they divorced and it's been better for both of them IMO.
In any case I'd always move on- I'd rather my children see that I'm a happy mother and that you don't have to stay in a loveless marriage- I'd hate if in the future my children were in loveless marriages- I'd want them to find happiness.
Very well said!
No matter how "careful" parents try to be in front of their children, like you said, they aren't stupid. Children are like sponges with eyes & ears and they absorb everything.
Case in point, I have a friend who's 21 year old daughter recently decided she wanted to "take a break" from a guy she'd been dating because she wanted to make sure he was "the one" for her. She did not want to end up in an unhappy "marriage" like her parents did for years.
Thank you thank you- btw my parents were definitely in a loveless (more like HATEfilled) marriage and I definitely was weary about getting married but I've been married 4 years this June and we are still happy (know each other 12 years).
I would say if she's taking a break then he isn't the one...
I would try to work things out before I moved on - like seeing a marriage counsellor etc becuase there had to be a reason we were together in the first place. Then if I was still in the same situation I would move on.
beerab, that's a good point... staying together for reasons other than love/friendship, even if it's carefully arranged and agreed upon by both people, might mess up the children's perceptions of what a healthy relationship is like, or cause them distress that they shouldn't have to experience. That's one thing that I didn't think about because I don't see kids in my future.
I would leave asap! I was married to my first husband for almost 13 years. It was awful but I stayed thinking it was best for my girls. Finally I reached a point in my life that I just couldn't be unhappy anymore and I walked out the door never looking behind. I met a wonderful man about that time and we've been married going on 12 years now. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy!
Ummmm...I think you've gotten the wrong idea here....DBF & I are very happy
Yep, looks like it. I think all of the clarification to more and more specific details, definitely led me to believe we were talking about a specific marriage, if not your own, then one you are quite close to.
I think it's harder and harder though to answer a generic "what would you do," the more specific you make the question, because it gets further and further from a situation that people would "generically" have an opinion on (well, at least an opinion based on their own experiences and values, which is after all the only basis we have for opinions). For example, I can't answer the question "if there was no love from the start," because I wouldn't enter that kind of marriage. Though I have seen marriages that started that way, become good (such as the arranged marriages - but their expectations for marriage were different, it's expected that the two will work together to build a family, and "love" is a result of working successfully on the marriage, not a reason to get into a marriage).
I've also seen marriages that were bad, even for years, become good. What did those people do to make it that way? They generally decided they both wanted something better, and decided it was worth working on together.
I think there are so many "it depends" that there is no "useful" answer, just interesting "what ifs," with the caveat that many of our answers are at best "guesses" at what we would do, because the situation isn't one we may have been in. I say I would stay for the kids, if there was still like and respect, but who knows what I would feel and do IN the situation, especially since I can only imagine the situation, because it's so far from my own.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods
than one you are quite close to.
.
You hit the nail on the head. Its someone I am quite close to for sure. Thought this is what he wanted but...didn't turn out that way. I guess he thought things would magically change once a wedding ring was on her finger He didn't love her before he married her...and...it hasn't changed since. I'm not sure he even likes her. Very sad situation indeed
Counseling! A year ago I would have said I was in a loveless marriage. We had no intimacy, fought constantly, basically did not want to be in the same room with each other. I asked for a divorce so many times I can't count, but I do not make enough to support myself and my 4 horses alone, so I felt trapped. One day I gave him the ultimatum - counseling or we are done.
It was not easy, but today I can say I am happily married. We have done a complete 180 in our marriage. I honestly did not believe this marriage could be saved without me settling for less than I deserve, but that was not the case. We still have our arguments and issues like everyone, but we are happy.
Surely there was some love at some time in order for a couple to have married in the first place. I would never recommend leaving a marriage without exhausting the possibility of saving it through counseling. However, if that has been done and both parties are unhappy, then maybe it is time to move on.
If you marry for the wrong reasons, or with the hope that things will get better, the marriage isn't on a stable foundation. And after marriage, things generally get WORSE rather than better -- remember all those endearing habits your spouse had when you were dating, that just bug the HECK out of you now that you're married??? And such a marriage may actually be considered for annullment by one's religious group (if so inclined) as the INTENT of the marriage may not actually be there -- I mean, if he never loved her the intent certainly isn't there. His situation seems different from those where people really love each other, give it a shot, and for whatever reason, both change and become so different that they are no longer suited for each other and wind up apart. This latter situation is one where patience and committment to one's choice may weather those periods where apartness seems more frequent than intimacy. But it sounds like the foundation of the marriage wasn't there in the first place, and it is hard to continue a choice that was made for reasons not related to the fundamental core of a marriage.
What to do? This all depends on what your friend wants. IF he and his spouse really want to make a go of it, they'll need counselling to sort this out. IF he wants to stay because he doesn't want a divorce but isn't open to counselling, he'll probably be unhappy in his loveless marriage for the foreseeable future. IF he wants to find true happiness, he needs to be honest about what he needs and move on. None of these options are ideal.
And, honestly, in my experience, some people just make decisions that create maximum disharmony because for some reason, this is what makes them who they are. The situation can be changed. It all depends on if he WANTS it to, or if he is getting something out of this situation. Because if he was TRULY unhappy, he'd move on. And if he chooses to stay, the sympathy train probably shouldn't be stopping to pick him up for much longer...
In that situation, I left, but my ex would have stayed. He was content, if not happy. I was neither, but leaving left emotional scars (on both of us) because I chose to leave instead of staying to try to work on the love. I can't really say I'm happier being single that I was being in a loveless marriage, but I live with the cold comfort that I left before I became tempted to find love outside of the marriage.
He didn't love her before he married her...and...it hasn't changed since. I'm not sure he even likes her. Very sad situation indeed
