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Old 03-22-2009, 05:10 PM   #1
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This isn't about weight loss but I just need to vent. I am in tears and so upset and furious right now.

My husband is friends with his ex girlfriend. I don't think I am insane to not really like that. I think almost any woman would be uncool with that.

She was his first serious girlfriend. He was 16 and she was in her 20's... She pretty much used him to make herself feel better and then broke his heart. But kept him in her life. Whenever she was feeling depressed or sad or fighting with her boyfriend she would call him or talk to him online and once she felt better would stop talking to him for a few months to half a year. Only coming back when she needed him again. She is also flirty and one of those girls who is always telling everyone how much she loves them and such.

I tried to be the understanding girlfriend besides that. I don't have great self-confidence and I am a very jealous person. He says she is just a friend now and wants to stay in touch, they were friends before they dated and he really values the friendship he says. So I tried so so very hard to be understanding and not be that girlfriend who tells him no you can't talk to her.

But it just ended up eating away at me. I hated it and no matter how much I tried it just hurt me and made me worry and jealous. And then things got really bad...

He being an idiot and not wanting to make me upset decided to start hiding it from me... He was being sneaky talking to her. and that made it all so much worse. After much fighting I just told him I couldn't deal with it and he said he would stop talking to her.

He did for a while and then like usual she was having problems and contacted him and they began talking again. It was really bad with him sneaking it. He would get text messages all the time and delete them, he would get IMs on his computer and close them if I came over, etc... obviously I am a smart girl and can tell he was talking to her and I confronted him and we fought alot more. I found out that when we had gotten married he never told her he got married. Which is just odd huh? He said he didn't wanna rub her nose in his happiness because her and her fiance just broke up like 3-6 months before we got married.

I told him he had to then stop talking to her for good or I was gone because I couldn't deal with this and it was hurting our relationship. He told me he promised that he would stop. and maybe a few weeks to a month later he was talking to her again!! He lied to me. He broke my heart and any trust I had right then.

I was ready to leave and he promised again that he woudl really stop talking to her this time and that he loved me and wanted me over her friendship.

Well that was maybe a half a year ago or so. And we got into a big fight about something else and I don't know why but I just asked him if he was still talking to her. I was like why as soon as u get home do you check your e-mail when I know no one else e-mails him except about bills and it just doesn't make ppl wanna check it so much... So he says yes the other day she texted him when he had the phone which is weird because I almost always have the phone so she just happened to text him when he had it?? and he says he went and checked out her facebook because he wanted to see how she was doing??

I just feel like i hit a brick wall. On top of all that he accuses me of snooping to know that he was talking to her which I really didn't, idk maybe i am psychic lol but I didn't snoop and it makes me wonder what I was supposed to be snooping through? Is he lying to me and he did something else that he isn't telling me about that i might have seen?

No yes in the past i have snooped. I read a box of old letters she sent him that he had kept and I read his e-mails before. I told him that I did it. I never lied to him about any of it. I am very insecure, and that doesn't make up for what I did but at the same time if he stopped hiding things from me... Every single relationship in my family has ended in divorce and/or people cheating. I don't really have alot of trust It is very difficult for me.

I am just so upset and confused about what to do. I feel like he just doesn't get it no matter how much I try to talk to him about it. Even if I try my best to be understanding with it I am always gonna wonder in the back of my mind and that is just gonna hurt our relationship. He says they are just friends and nothing more, though while I don't think he would go to her I do think she would jump at the chance to get back with him. and I am jealous of their friendship even. Before when he was talking to her, he would come home and right away start texting her or talking to her online about something when he wasn't even talking to me or opening up to me at all.

and now she just texted him but i had the phone and was so stupid and texted her back that I would really like it if she would just stop talking to my husband. kay? thanks.

I am sure she just e-mailed him to tell him that too now ugh. She doesn't live in the same town- thank god but is only like an hour or two drive away.

I don't know what to do I am having enough stress in my life and in our relationship that we don't need this on top of it all. why does it have to be so hard?

if you read all that thank you for listening to me vent lol
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Old 03-22-2009, 05:40 PM   #2
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Maybe it'd be a good idea to go to couples counseling. Marriage isn't easy for anyone and sometimes an outside perspective can be beneficial to everyone.
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Old 03-22-2009, 05:45 PM   #3
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Sorry to hear what a rough time you are having. I totally understand where you are coming from. I went through a very similar situation with my husband just before we got married and just after. When i met him he was trying to keep a friendship with his very recent ex. It became such a sore spot for us (still is for me somedays) It nearly broke us up. He would end the friendship and it would be fine for 3 months then she would reappear. My husband wouldnt tell me because he didnt want us to fight about it. I'd find out after a little bit and all trust is gone.
It took the end of that friendship, so much time and talking to get past this in our relationship. I still have a hard time with it on my insecure days ~ i try not to take it out on my husband. We have an amazing relationship now and i wouldnt trade him for the world but there was a time when it came down to her or me and i was fully prepared to walk away. My husband didnt fully understand (i still wonder how much he can without going through it) what he had put us through, put me through by just carrying on this relationship. He has some idea now but it has been more than a year of no contact with her.
I am sorry you are going through this. I really dont have much advice to offer except communicate with your husband as much as possible. How much would he like you to have a secertive relationship with an ex boyfriend?
Sadly your husband will see what effect this is having on your marriage when he is ready to see it. Hope sharing my story has you feeling a little less alone. Good Luck I hope things look up for you soon.
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Old 03-22-2009, 05:50 PM   #4
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I agree with zenor, maybe counseling is the way to go. You sound like you want your marriage to work and your husband hasn't let you leave yet. Maybe getting a 3rd party to facilitate some conversation about this woman and why she is so important to your husband.

Sneakiness and lies is not okay in my book. I've never been married but I just can't see how a relationship can be healthy when that's going on.
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Old 03-22-2009, 05:52 PM   #5
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Oh, my heart just goes out to you. Your husband is not giving you the respect that you deserve. That girl is like an addiction to him, and he needs to break clean of her if he is to have a decent solid marriage with you or anyone. I second the couples counseling, although having been in a similar situation before, it is definitely hard to regain trust once it has been broken. He needs to figure out what is more important to him, his marriage or his infatuation with this woman. You need to realize that you are not to blame here, nor are you psycho! Your concerns are valid and you have the right to be upset. There might be more than meets the eye here. I wish you much luck in figuring this out, and please do not sell yourself short here. You deserve so much more than your husband is giving you.

(((hugs))))

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Old 03-22-2009, 05:57 PM   #6
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insecurities and jealousy will ruin a relationship.
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Old 03-22-2009, 06:09 PM   #7
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wow, nitenurse. That was pretty insensitive. Her husband isn't exactly the model husband. Keeping in such close contact with an ex is not a good thing, especially when you have lied to your wife about it and promised to stop several times. She has a right to be upset and suspicious of his behavior.
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Old 03-22-2009, 06:39 PM   #8
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You two need to go to counseling. This ex is validating something for your husband, perhaps he still has some feelings for her, perhaps she makes him feel needed, etc. It is hurting your relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't put up being lied to. You should be able to trust your husband and from what it sounds like, he has lost your trust.
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Old 03-22-2009, 06:45 PM   #9
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Ooohhh. Wow. Heavy stuff. I smell something very, very fishy.

I will only say to go with your gut. It doesn't usually lie. In fact, mine never has.

There are also some ways to give yourself some peace of mind. A keystroke logger on the computer or a tracker underneath his car for a few days would be my weapons of choice. There is also a device you can put onto a cell phone that allows you to see where the person goes during the day simply by loggin into a website. You could also check cell records. Would he use a tollway when if he is seeing her? You can also check tollway use frequency as well as time of day the tolls were used.

He doesn't ever have to know about you checking up and if it turns out to be nothing, great. If it does, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:08 PM   #10
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i agree, if you are suspicious, you most likely have a reason to be.Sorry.
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:24 PM   #11
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so sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through something similar with an ex and know how much it hurts and how confusing things can get. If you already tried talking to him and weren't married I would honestly just say leave.

You are his wife and should be his best friend, the one he talks to first when he gets home (not checking emails from an ex), so he should listen to some of your needs and how you are feeling and try to find an agreement that would make both of you happy. I would go with counseling if you can afford it and he's up to it (atleast he would be showing he cares to make things work with you).

hope everything works out for you and keep taking care of yourself!
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:35 PM   #12
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angela105 i wasnt being insensitive, i was just making a comment, i know from my experience that jealousy and insecurities will ruin a relationship. my ex husband was jealous and couldnt deal with me talking to an ex..all that did was make me want to do it more. If he hadnt been so insecure with himself he would have understood that ex"s can be friends.
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:41 PM   #13
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ex's can be friends....

my ex-wife and I are great friends....she is also friends with my wife...

that doesn't sound like that is what is going on here!

If I upset my wife by talking to any women I sure hope I would STOP!
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Old 03-22-2009, 09:24 PM   #14
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There are a lot of potential issues going on here, so many, that counseling seems the wisest course of action. Not only couple's counseling, but individual counseling as well. Not to play armchair analyst, but that your husband was a teenager and the ex an adult when they were together, concerns me. The relationship was inappropriate and illegal, and her responsibility as the adult. Often when children and teens (male or female) are enticed into an inappropriate relationship with an adult, it can create a disfunctional, but extremely strong attachment bond for the child, that can endure for years. I'm not saying this is true of your husband, but the possibility is there. That doesn't mean he's a child and not responsible for his actions or feelings, but it's quite possible that he has a strong disfunctional bond to her, that he may not fully understand. A counselor could help him see that the relationship was and is disfunctional.

This is a separate issue from your jealousy and lack of trust. Generally distrustful behavior, can be damaging, whether or not "evidence" of betrayal exists or is found. Whether or not you find evidence of cheating, snooping tends to be self-reinforcing. If you find "nothing," you are rewarded for snooping (or inspired to snoop "deeper"), and if you find "evidence" you are given proof that snooping was valid.

Your husband's "baggage" is his relationship with his ex. Your's is knowing when and how to trust (not only the people in your life, but your own instincts as well).

All of this, is guessing on my part. This situation is far too complex for anyone to assess, or give valid input in this kind of forum, but there are a lot of signs that indicate that individual and couple's counseling would be the most likely source of help.
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Old 03-22-2009, 09:41 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EZMONEY View Post
ex's can be friends....

my ex-wife and I are great friends....she is also friends with my wife...

that doesn't sound like that is what is going on here!
Exactly. If the husband and the ex GF are truly "just friends", then there is nothing to hide. She would be friends with them as a married couple, not just keeping a secretive friendship with someone's husband. I'm a big believer in trusting instinct. Having said that, counseling could prove to be extremely helpful in this situation. If he won't go, go by yourself and get some professional, neutral insight into this situation.

I wish you all the best.
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