I recently got a roommate. She's the first person that I've lived with (aside from family) since I graduated university in '05. She's a super sweet girl, and we clicked instantly as friends. She has a similar sense of humour, I haven't laughed so much with someone in a long time.
The issue is, currently her life is full of drama. She's fighting with her parents who live on the other side of the county. She doesn't know anyone in town and is using me as her social outlet. She moved to our town for a job and from day one she and her manager just didn't click. It's quite obvious to her co-workers and several had commented on it to her. From day one she was sure she'd be fired. She's developed a rash on her hands which a dr attritubes to the chemicals that she uses at work. Her boss as all but said "your fired" to her. She's on a day off work and out job hunting today. She doesn't have a car and has been asking me to drive her places in the evenings. Becuase of this I can't study for the distance studies course I'm taking. (I'm seriously whining here - I know!)
I'm kinda feeling sorry for her with all that's going on, the problem is that I don't wanna go home to deal and deal with her issues. I just wanna go home and veg and not have to deal with her. I've called my boyfriend to see if we can go out for dinner and I can crash at his place, but he wasn't asnwering. I just need to get away from her for a night and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I just miss my old, drama free evenings, where I could sit on the couch, watch what I want on tv and not have to deal with someone else's issues full time. Hopefully, the bf will get back to me soon. I know part of my issue is adjusting to living with someone after having been on my own for almost 2 years.... but *sigh* anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with her and my slight resentment?
You have to set some boundaries for yourself. That means you have to be willing to say no to driving her somewhere every night. Maybe you agree that you can drive her somewhere 2 nights a week. Other nights you say no.
I am glad that you are so caring and willing to help out, but there needs to be some boundaries that you can stay healthy yourself. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to help her (or anyone else) anyway.
Sounds like you are lacking some healthy boundaries.
She can ask you to drive her places...but you can say no.
She can bring up whiny topics...but you can say "You know, I've had a really long day, and I just want to watch some TV".
She can ask to hang out...but you can say "I'd really like to, but I just need a night at home tonight. Can we set something up for later in the week?"
The job description of "roommate" doesn't include dealing with her issues full time, being on her schedule, or driving her places if you don't want to. Heck, the description of "friend" doesn't include those things. But people who are in need will try to get those needs met, and if someone continually meets them, they'll keep asking.
Healthy boundaries are really important in all relationships, but especially roommate relationships. And if you start setting them and keep setting them, they'll stick and you'll both be much happier.
I would tell her you need a quiet night. Tell her you've had a rough day too (even if you havent) and that you really just need to have "me time". Tell her you are sorry she's having so many issues...but right now, you just need a night to chill. Tell her, you really want to be there for her, but right now, you need to deal with your own issues and need some quiet time. If she doesn't get it and is persistance then go to the gym or go watch a movie. Its hard to live with someone who has so much drama in their life. You do need quiet time and there's nothing wrong with telling her you need some quite time. In addition, you can sit her down, be nice and tell her that you understand she is going thr a lot and you know its tough, but that some times we all need our space and right now, you need some time by yourself. Its hard dealing with people who are "sucking the life out of you" but you do have a right to tell her you need some time to relax and not deal with drama Of course, you should always put it gently and not be harsh about it..but you need to have some time for yourself. good luck!
You need boundaries! It really is OK. Some people are sweet and still take and take until someone stops giving.
Started 4/14/08 LINK TO PROGRESS PICS 1/1/2009
"It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well, and justly, and it is impossible to live wisely, well, and justly without living pleasurably" Epicurus
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to have a talk with her this weekend. I know she's lonely and stressed about work. But I have to get this course done, and I need some time to myself. But I know if I don't talk to her, I'll blow up and it won't be a pretty sight!
I'm going to be out of town for work for most of the end of January and almost all of Feb. So that will give me some distance form her as well. Hopefully, a break will be for us, and with me not being around, it will force her to get and and meet people since I won't be her social contact.
Gatorgal I'll definately use your idea of heading to the gym. I can always use an extra work out.