Husband rant
 

Maybe this is just a hangover from PMS, but my husband is driving me up the wall. I was SO mad this morning at him for things that've just built up that I was TOO mad to work out, if that makes any sense at all. The anger just carried over to the bike and I couldn't sit still.

Why anger, you ask? Because my husband is seemingly becoming "single" again - at least when it comes to money and the house. You see, he has a younger brother who's 22 and still lives at home with his mom. He works full-time, and basically pays NOTHING - no bills, no food, no rent. Nothing. He can spend his money on anything he wants to, and has obviously been talking to my husband about buying a new dirt bike AND getting the old one they shared fixed so they can go ride them.

Up to this point, my husband has been pretty frugal with money. We don't have credit cards (except his Yamaha card, which he got to help his brother buy a golf cart that's paid for now), and his philosophy (which I've agreed with whole heartedly) has been that we're not going to get anything frivolous that we can't pay out of pocket for, at least until we've saved and started buying a house.

Until last night. The brother and the husband are going to go this weekend and buy a new $4,000 dirt bike using the Yamaha card. No consulting me, no questions asked. They're doing it, and I'll be helping pay for it from here on out.

This upsets me for so many reasons. We NEED things at the house we've not gotten because of saving money. We NEED new mattresses or a new bed. We NEED a new couch because the one we've got is falling apart. We've - or should I say I've - been doing without things that would make me happier or more comfortable because WE were supposed to be saving money.

I think more than anything, though, that I'm upset because he's acting like I'm not even there. I get no say in what we do with our money, obviously. It's like he's still single and can spend it on whatever he wants to with no consideration for my needs, wants or feelings about it.

And then around the house he's living like a single guy. Leaving his socks and clothes all over the floor for me to pick up. He won't pick up his glasses when he's done, and leaves empty cigarette packs wherever he happens to be when he gets the last one. This morning I got up to find he'd spilled an ashtray and just left it in the floor for me to get sometime today. It's like I'm his maid and not his wife.

We've only been married about 1 1/2 years....does this happen in every marriage?

um, no. at least not in mine. you're not actually picking up his stuff, are you? because i'd put it in a pile somewhere he likes to be - wherever he usually sits in the living room, say.

have you talked to him about this?

Not yet...it's just all kind of built up to this point, as of this morning after he left for work....I need to...

You've really got to talk to him about these issues and not let them build up. Let him know you are not happy with him buying the bike and that his habits around the home are not acceptable to you. Whilst he may not change his mind or improve his ways at least he'll know your views on the matters. If you let him get away with these things he'll assume that silence is consent and it will only leave you frustrated.

Kitty

yeah I would put a halt to that and quick. You have to sit him down and discuss the money issue. Don't go in all aggressive but don't let him try to walk all over you either. Money is a top contender on why people get divorced.

As for the maid treatment, I agree piling it in his favorite spot. You are not his mama....you're his wife & if you weren't picking up after him like a child before then don't do it now. My DH tried that with me and I threw his stuff in the garbage ;) Then showed it to him when he got home....said some not nice things to what I thought about being his mama & he never did it again lol

do you work?
sounds kinda radical but maybe it's time for separate checking accounts.
I used to think it was strange but my brother and his wife have 3 accounts,
his, hers and joint, and every payday they both put into the joint account enough to pay the house payment and the bills. Since the wife makes the most the leftover money is gravy and shopping money.
Before this they just could not agree on how the money will be spent.
Remind your husband that you are not the maid, waitress, or his personal assistant, and that he needs to clean up after himself.
Call the yamaha people and have your name removed from the account, so it's not yours.
Do you have savings? You should have at least 6 months living expenses saved in the bank untouched?
What about the down payment on a house, hard to get a mortgage these days.
Have you read up on Dave Ramsey or Suzy Orman and learned from their financial advice?
Believe me,
Been there, done that.
Fab

Fabulous50Texas, I work full time. That's another issue...he's got a more physical job while I sit at a desk. To him, time at home is rest, and he thinks I "rest all day" at my desk, so I should do more...

We've paid off his truck and planned to save for a down payment on a house, with plans to start seriously looking for one over the summer. Maybe not now...

I guess a talk is in order, for sure...

I suspect that his mother picked up after his dad and her two boys. He needs to learn that will not be done in this marriage. And all financial decisions need to be made jointly, if he wants to help his brother he should discuss it with you first. I would also suggest that you take over paying the bills then you will know where everything is going and you can take care of your family needs first. If he is the billpayer tell he him you would like to relieve him of the responsability, make it look like you will be doing him a favor.

I would agree with others. If he wants to spend money as he wants without consulting you, then he needs to have his own spending account and you have your own.

My husband is the opposite in that he hates spending money to the point that I don't think he has bought anything for himself in maybe 6 years. We buy things jointly and if I think he needs something, I generally have to ask him or buy it for him.

I am going to play the devil's advocate here. Does he really, really want the bike? There is so many things I have wanted and did not buy and I don't know if it really made that much difference in our household wealth. Granted a person can't go crazy but you only live once. Hopefully he has put a lot of thought into his decision and also considered your side of the situation but perhaps he wants it so bad he just feels it is worth it. I have been married forever (29 years!) and I get kind of annoyed when my husband goes on about things he doesn't have but feels he deserves. I get annoyed with myself for the same reason! Money decisions are a big deal. Hopefully you are both considering the other persons feelings.

On the leaving stuff around thing, I told my husband and kids whenever they leave a mess somewhere to please say outloud "here honey-you put this away." That caused enough guilt with my husband but my son doesn't mind at all!

No way, it didn't and hasn't happened in my marriage. All I have is a big hug for you! Stay true to yourself and everything else will eventually fall into place the way it needs to for YOU. I'm so sorry.

ETA: I applaud your sound financial decisions with regards to credit cards and paying out of pocket. BRAVO.

As far as him really wanting the bike, I think he does. In fact, had I been consulted on the matter, I most likely wouldn't have had a problem with it at all because I know riding these things is something he and his brother enjoy together, but haven't been able to do for years. At the same time, there are other things we need worse than a dirt bike we don't even have a place to store.

That sounds waaaaay petty of me, but I'm just afraid that if he does it NOW and gets away with it, then he'll do it again in the future on something bigger and more expensive, if that makes any sense.

You are not petty. It is a pretty big purchase and it sounds like he had been supportive of saving for a house before this huge temptation introduced itself. I probably shouldn't have said anything. It's just that I'm old enough to be in a place in my life where I wish I had done some things differently. You are right that you should have been included in the decision for such a large purchase.

Oh by the way. Now that I think about it, my husband did do something like this once. He bought a 52 inch TV without talking to me! I think it cost about $2500 at the time. Plus once he had the TV he had to have cable. Yeah believe it or not we didn't have cable until about 8 years ago! My grown kids still get mad at me now and then about how I deprived them of all those wonderful cable shows when they were little! I wasn't that mad because it was kind of fun to have a 52 inch TV but it is not something I would have agreed to. That's probably why he did it on his own. This thing is so big I made him put it in the basement!

Terapet - My husband didn't have cable growing up and we cancelled our cable subscription a couple years ago. Best decision I ever made I think :)