Hubby has a bit of a strained relationship with his parents. They had a very ugly marriage and an uglier divorce, and it sounds like the house was a war zone when he was growing up. Yet in public, and even with the other relatives they all had to have a "happy Christian family" facade. His mother makes Martha Stewart seem like a lazy slouch (she actually washes her home walls and garage floor on a nearly monthly basis).
When we became engaged, MIL actually tried her best to talk me out of marrying my husband because he was so much like his father. And yet, I have to say that as much as she annoys me, I can tolerate her "issues" better than hubby can.
My family, on the other hand are all nuts and we get on each others' nerves and say stuff we shouldn't, like family do, and when we visit them there's enough drama that we're all glad when the visit's over, but all in all, we're fairly close.
Enough background, yesterday hubby and I spent the day with hubby's, mother, her new husband and hubby's sister, as our Christmas with them. MIL is recovering from a hip-replacement, and we had a very nice day, and (to my knowledge) MIL was neither snarky to me nor to hubby.
When we got home, hubby was in a foul mood, and we argued, and hubby revealed that his mother had said some very unkind things about me, behind my back to her new hubby.
Maybe it's surprising, but I'm not really angry at her. I realize that she's a very strange woman who has odd ideas about what's important in life. She's more concerned with tidyness and beauty and everyone being polite and pleasant on the surface, than she is about connecting with people on a deeper level (especially if it involves anything that doesn't fit into her 1950's sitcom idea of how the world should be). She says her mother was very cold and distant, and not very motherly, so she worked very hard at being a "good mother," but instead I think she seems more "stepford wife," or a robot version of Martha Stewart.
I never could understand why my hubby loves my mom so much when she doesn't think very highly of him most of the time (in fact, she can be pretty mean-spirited sometimes. She'll do anything for you, but if you cross her, or she's in a bad mood, she'll rip you a new one). But, hubby says with my mom, you always know what you're getting. She's a simple (not stupid, but she's very straight-forward) woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, if she's mad at you, you are going to know it, and when she's being nice to you, you know there's genuine love there, because one thing my mother does NOT do is "pretend nice."
I guess I'm finally getting to understand why my husband doesn't like spending time with his parents (his dad isn't a touchy-feely guy either, and you can never tell if he likes anyone or not - my dad is a lot more friendly, and personable and hubby adores him).
In our argument last night, I learned that hubby would have liked to leave earlier than we did yesterday. He was staying because I seemed to be having a good time, and he didn't want to ruin it for me. I appreciate the concern, but I don't like his family THAT MUCH, especially considering some of the comments he said he heard (although I could have guessed as much, because they're similar to things she has said to my face, although she usually phrases her insults as compliments when she says them to me directly).
When we were first married, I encouraged my husband to respond to invites from his family, but the more I see how contact with his family tends to be so rough on him, I'm wondering if it's doing more harm than good. If he had his way, I think he would only see them (briefly) around Thanksgiving and Christmas. And maybe that's ok.
Having a crazy family in which even visits that "go bad" and end in lots of arguing aren't intensely traumatic, it's hard for me to understand truly toxic families (my mom can make you nauseous, but a few minutes in the fresh air and you're fine).
I'm not sure what to do. I've definitely decided to stop pushing hubby to visit his family when he's reluctant to do so, but I feel a bit like even my being as nice to them as I have (especially when I've played peacemaker between hubby and his family) that I'm being disloyal to hubby. I definitely get the feeling that hubby felt a bit betrayed by the "nice time" I was having with his mother (despite the things he heard her saying, some of which he didn't know I hadn't heard). I really don't care if I never see her again - and yet I also wouldn't care if I saw her every week if hubby wanted to - she's not important to me one way or another. But I also sometimes feel that hubby is jealous of how important my family is to me, and I'm definitely not wanting to rub it in his face that I have an easier to deal with family than he does (in a lot of ways, I felt dealing with his family was easier than dealing with mine - but I guess only if you don't mind a couple hours of "pretending" to be nice - and hubby can't stand even a few moments of play acting).
Anyone else have a really different relationship with your parents than your partner does? Any suggestions on reducing family drama?
Our situation is not totally the same, but similar to some of your issues. My DH and I actually both come from really crazy homes and all the parents are now divorced, so getting together can be something of a real headache. But, we went through some similar things with his family in the past 2 years and we finally decided that
1) we wouldn't be visiting as often, which can be hard, as they are getting really old and his mom wants us there every month (they're about an hour and a half away)
2) when we go, we decide in advance how long we stay, whether it's going to be an overnight or 2 or if it's just for the day and we're coming home before evening
3) we decide whether we are eating at his mom's or eating out-this has been a real issue, as she want's to "save us money" but we never get to choose what we eat and I can't eat most of what she fixes (she tries to test me to see if garlic really gives me migraines). She's also a slob and has 5 cats in the house, so her kitchen is sickening, and sometimes we really can't bring ourselves to eat there
I guess the most important thing here was that we had to make the decision to limit our time and set our boundaries in advance of each visit, so that there wouldn't be any questions come up in front of the in-laws. Hope this helps a little. I feel for you.
Honey, I feel your pain. I wish I had known what was actually meant by "marrying his family too". If I had any suggestions on reducing family drama other than just never speaking to them again or killing them (believe me, both thoughts have crossed my mind ), I would let you in on them.
Enjoy your holidays regardless of what your family tries to do.
ugh i can totally sympathize with you! my family is pretty much great- we all get along pretty well. sometimes we get crabby and my mom can get on my nerves- but like you if i just get a breather i'm okay and can go back for more. we used to have a lot of fun together. they all moved overseas though and i have an aunt and uncle and cousin here and that's it- and we don't see each other much they're kind of weird.
my husbands family- first of all, there's a lot of them! my immediate family was mom, dad, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa and me. hubby is one of 5 siblings, mom and dad each have several siblings - the gatherings can get pretty large just for immediate family. it is overwhelming to me. second- his parents are divorced we almost never see his father, he doesn't want to, doesn't want to talk about it- and i just learned to respect that boundary for him and stopped bringing it up. his mom- well, we kind of just avoid her as much as we can- she's really hard to deal with. she's just, kind of an emotional mess most of the time, and everything is negative, she's a bit of a hoarder, her house when she had one was always filthy and disgusting. i play fake nice with her, and try very hard to keep my real opinions to myself- because she is one of those people that tells everyone everything. there is no such thing as a secret in her book. and while i'm an honest person- and would likely tell anyone anything they wanted to know about me- i'd prefer it be MY version and not hers. any time anyone upsets her the whole family and all her friends knows all about how horrible that person is and she's just such a victim and blah blah blah. i'm scared if i ever did tell her off like i usually do inside my head whenever i'm with her- that i'd be ostracized from the family forever. and while that sounds pretty good to me- hubby wouldn't like it too much.
i could tell you some mother in law stories that would curl your hair though... she does some pretty horrible and erm... interesting things.
the way we handle it is avoid avoid avoid and try to keep any times together controlled- we can be at our house because it's clean here, we'll meet at the restaurant so we can leave, etc.
maybe you guys could make a code for "get me the eff out of here" like, if he comes up to you and squeezes your hand twice you know he's ready to flee? or a code word - remember Mad about you? Paramecium!
i'm not one to usually tolerate playing nice, but that's how i have survived for the last going on 10 years...
As far as Mother In Laws go....first words to each of us 3 sil's that married her daughter's
#1 ~ my bil ~ "So my daughter dumps a plumber to marry a doctor...I need a plumber"
#2 ~ ME ~ Meeting her mom at Angie's apt. for the first time on Easter...knock on door..."come in"...open door...see lady sitting in chair....she says "God he's ugly!"...I am holding 2 brown bags of Easter stuff...I reply.."Well at least I have a bag for each of us."
#3 ~ My mil meets bil #3 at sil #2 house...sil #2 says to bil to be #3 "Did you bring your swimming trunks?"...bil says "no"....mil says "It's a pool party dumb a$$"
True stories.
I get along with my MIL just fine! Talked to her today as a matter of fact!
EZ, I nearly busted a gut laughing - now see that's more MY mom, and I could never understand why hubby can tolerate her, but struggles to deal with his "always nice on the surface" mom.
Even when hubby told me all of the "bad" things she said about me, most of it was stuff my parents have said (and much worse) to my face. I mean the worst of the lot was about how much I talk and chatter on and on about nothing - heck my parents would have just looked me in the eye and said "SHUT UP, already.
hmmm...this sounds alot like my mil. I used to push my husband to visit his mother more often too, because in the beginning I didnt think she was all that bad.
Boy was I wrong!! The last incident was at the dinner table. It upset me to the point I was speechless. (that rarely happens) I just couldnt believe something so vile could come out of an 80yr old woman's mouth at a nice family get together.
That was when I took my stand and refused to take any of her crap. I even had to call my own mother for tips on how to deal with her. We are taught to respect our elders and all that. Telling this woman off was not something I was suppose to be doing. Well, I did(she pushed just a little too far).......got hubby written out of the will because I was the "b*tch he married"...I was the angel a few years ago when I was getting hubby to visit more often.
The will and her estate was always used as a threat to be nice to her......it would have taken a whole lot more $$ to pay me to be nice to her. Isnt that a terrible thing. Having to use your estate to get your son to love you. She never got that money wasnt the issue.
She has since passed, and hubby is a much more peaceful man. He doesnt cringe when the phone rings, or go to those really dark places in his own mind.
So my advice.......stop pushing, let hubby do what he wants and just go along for the ride. If you can hold your tongue, maybe you wont get written out of the will (said tongue in cheek)
Robin... Will Talk... hee-hee-hee.
My IL's so kindly told the boys that the middle one is getting everything because he needs it the most. The others (my dh and oldest bro) are getting NOTHING. Not that it should matter, as we really don't WANT things... but we are the ones to help: powerwash the house, take them out to eat, reroof the barn and garage, if fil's truck needs working on dh is there, you get my drift. So lately every now and again my dh will ask.. is ---- coming up today? If they say Yes, he'll tell them to ask ---- to do it, since it is his house. LOL! Boy does that boil their blood.
When my husband (then boyfriend) and I were trying to figure out where to live. I thought it'd be nice to live near one of our families and thought that I wanted to try living on the east coast so we moved here.
At first, I tried to get us to visit my husbands parents/family quite a bit. My husband likes visiting his family but it isn't a priority for him. We visit his parents every couple months and his siblings once a year. Also there is some internal family drama going on as well but its not focused on me but I think if I ever crossed his parents, they probably wouldn't care to see either of us ever again. Its just how they are.
Now if we lived near my family, I'd probably see my relatives multiple times per month. Its just a totally different family structure.
Christmas In-law Drama
), I would let you in on them.
or a code word - remember Mad about you? Paramecium! 
