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how not to make a turkey

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Old 11-27-2008, 03:07 AM   #1
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Here are complete instructions on how not to prepare your thanksgiving turkey. First- make a disgusting looking and smelling brine out of water, salt, sugar, a zillion peppercorns, some bay leaves, and an entire head of garlic- do this at the last minute instead of 2 days ahead like the recipe suggests- who needs a recipe!?
Next, juggle all the other things in your fridge to find room for the molten pot of brine- can't put the cold bird into a hot brine after all. Once cooled - unwrap the bird, pull out that thing that gross looking thing and that sac of crap - rinse and stick it into a Glad roasting bag. And here is where the fun starts! Have your husband hold the bag while you pour the brine in - being careful not to spill any. Now quick like- grab a second bag just in case- you wouldn't want brine and turkey juice all over your fridge now would you?
BUT WAIT! Before you can get the second bag on - the entire thing explodes shooting 3 quarts of brine, a zillion peppercorns, and the turkey into the kitchen floor!
Oh yes. Every try to sweep up 1/2 a cup of WET peppercorns, and entire head of crushed garlic?!

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?! Well- I'm thankful that I'm moving soon and someone else can find the salmonella factory that leaked under the refrigerator. I'm thankful for a steam mop. I'm thankful that I had some clean towels for once. And for clorox wipes.

And we're eating the darn thing tomorrow anyway- 10 second rule!!!


anyone else want to share their Thanksgiving disasters? I can't be alone here....
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Old 11-27-2008, 06:32 AM   #2
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ha ha! good one, first time saw "how not to make..." interesting thread. i am surprised there are no response to the thread!
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:30 AM   #3
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LOVE THIS STORY!!



My solution: Get the jennie-o turkey in a bag. Although I'm sure yours will taste much better!
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:08 AM   #4
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What not to do:

Cook directly from freezer - at a very low temp thinking it'll defrost then cook

Cut it up and cook it in the microwave

Using a cookie tray instead of a roasting pan

cook it in your wok

forget to take the giblet sack out of the turkey (yuk)

cook it at maximum heat thinking it'll cook faster

throw it on the barbeque without a roasting spit

Boil it
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:39 AM   #5
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I'm thankful that I don't eat turkey anymore and don't have salmonella worries.
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:41 AM   #6
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Oh LIZZIE, I am so sorry!
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:42 AM   #7
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I'm NOT brining this year. I did before and it didn't make much difference. I'm roasting it Barefoot Contessa style.

You crack me up, lizziep & Tamaralynnn. Happy Thanksgiving!!
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Old 11-27-2008, 09:31 AM   #8
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For a couple years in a row now, we lost electricity on Thanksgiving. The bird was done, but we had to cook the stuffing on the grill! It had pleasant, smoky flavor (NOT!!)!! Good times!!
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Old 11-27-2008, 09:32 AM   #9
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i personally didn't do this...but have seen it happen millions of time.
what not to do when deep frying a turkey
1. keep the bird frozen (hence making exploding grease to burn ones arm on)
2. overfill the pot.
3. ensure the pot is underneath the patio or underhanging of a house (ensure a visit from the local fire department)
4. put you hand close to the pot when submerging the turkey (ensuring some beutiful scars that you can share with your friends and family)
funny as it is...too many people actually do this and do have so many issues. Alton brown had a good show on how to properly fry a turkey and had some good ways to not burn yourself or your house.

We personally are slow cooking a turkey..we've done it for years and it turns out great and wonderful everytime.
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Old 11-27-2008, 11:44 AM   #10
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That takes talent to turn *that* experience into a little laughter for all your friends

I hope it's all better from here on out!
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Old 11-27-2008, 01:17 PM   #11
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thanks! I hope so too!


i can't even imagine trying to deep fry anything- much less a turkey! no thanks!
i'm still finding little painful pepper pellets under foot and they hurt enough, i don't need any more cooking scars then i already have.

My life has always sort of been a vaudeville act, i've gotten good at making others laugh at my misfortune. should hear about the time i fell on my face and had to walk to work covered in blood. lol.

Here's to no more disasters (this year anyway)
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Old 11-27-2008, 02:05 PM   #12
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Don't let your boyfriend that smokes a lot of pot cook it on the grill (actually, this is a chicken story, not a turkey, but its still poultry) until the outside is black and the inside still has a pulse. He comes in with a chicken after cooking it for 15 minutes and I said, 'We can't eat that! Its not even cooked! Aren't you worried about salmonella?" and he said, "Who's Sam and Ella?"
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Old 11-27-2008, 02:11 PM   #13
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This was a very entertaining thread! Thank you all for the laughs... its helping not wander back into the kitchen and nibble more....and more...and more....
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Old 11-28-2008, 01:55 PM   #14
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Actually my favorite way of cooking a turkey is breast side down... the meat falls off the bone after it has finished and it's so juicy and tender.

I pour beer in the bottom of the turkey roaster, place a raised rack... smooth some olive oil on my turkey - sprinkle salt and pepper. Stuff the insides with chopped onion, carrot, celery and parsley - sew it up... tuck some rosemary and thyme sprigs in the nooks and crannies (between legs, between wings etc).

Cook turkey at 400 F for first 30 min - then lower to 350 for the next couple of hours - then 250 for the next couple of hours after that. All the while basting the turkey with the beer/drippings.

Flip the turkey over, raise the oven temp... brown the breast for about 20 minutes.

Now that's good turkey!
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Old 11-29-2008, 07:05 PM   #15
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It was just my mom and me, so she just got a Jennie-o pan roast, white meat only, and cooked the trimmings on the stove top
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