...at first I was appauled by his offer to watch half as much porn if you only lose half the weight but now that you've mentioned your ED, it kinda changes it in my head a little. It seems to me that he is trying to make a deal with you to both give up a little bit of your addictions (for him porn, and for you losing weight). I'm not saying it's right, but in the mind of a guy this was probably parallel with, "Honey, if you smoke 1 pack of cigs a day instead of 2 I promise to only drink a six pack every night instead of a case!"
Ay, ay, ay!
Anyway, I'm sure this ED has affected you a lot mentally in the past as well as physically and it sounds to me that you might not have found the "right" person to be dealing with someone with special emotional needs. That's for you to decide.
In my opinion, you need to separate the two issues - the issue of your weight loss and the issue of him watching porn.
First of all, you need to lose weight because it is something YOU WANT TO DO FOR YOURSELF - regardless whether your BF is watching porn, drooling over the centrefold in Playboy or whether the two of you are in a relationship of not.
Do not lose weight for him or in the hope that that will magically make him quit porn watching.
That was a).
b) - men are visual creatures, that's a fact. If you have a problem with him watching porn, it is something that you will have to address and work on, but it does not necessarily have anything to do with you being overweight.
Does porn bother you in general? Do you ever watch it yourself (maybe secretly, when you are on your own)? I have nothing against porn - as long as it is tasteful. Hard core porn is not my cup of tea, but then again, I am not a man.
I haven't read the other posters' replies, I am going to see the whole thread now.
Location: Nebraska. I live in rural Nebraska. Moo.
Posts: 20
S/C/G: 167/162/145
Height: 5'7"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia418
Ok, I'm concerned... crying is for weak people? Feelings are for weak people, then? You have to figure out what you want to come of this situation. Are you looking to get him to stop? Are you looking to feel better about yourself? These things might not both happen, but you have more control over one than you do the other. I suggest you talk to him. If crying is what comes of it, then do it. If he brushes that off, how dare him.
Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.
Don't even get me started on this...
I will say, briefly, what I feel on the issue.
Porn has NOTHING to do with you. It has everything to do with him being a man and having the curiosity of a man. I am completely opposed to porn, I believe it is a *******ization of everything we women are. It is not allowed in my home and my husband is totally honest with me about it - sure it's something he's looked at but he doesn't anymore.
When I first found out he had it really hurt my feelings. I felt totally inadequate and like he had to go see what he wanted to see elsewhere rather than having that here at home. I think it ruins marriages, families and relationships. It's the reason my MIL and FIL are divorced, the reason my brother in law is in jail because it lead to a sex addiction and later to him sexually abusing children. I think it is disgusting and sad that society is becoming so open to it.
Do you feel like what he's doing is right?! I don't. What I think doesn't matter, though, it has to be right by you. You need to feel comfortable in yoru own skin and if there is something your BF is doing that makes you feel uncomfortable, it is an issue that bears dealing with and NOT in a bartering sort of way. How manipulative. Sorry if I've gotten a soap box but this is an issue really close to my heart and I am really sad to see so many people affected by it, and then saying it's "normal" all men do it... they don't! It's wrong, IMO. I don't want my daughters raised in a world that glorifies this kind of hedonism and that doesn't value women for what they really are.
My husband watches it all the time, I don't really care though. It's all a fantasy to him. I know he loves me, even at 231 lbs he loved me. But it's a personal decision and if it bothers you, then it bothers you. I think he should understand more how you feel & why you feel like that instead of just dismissing how you feel about it. I'm sure you would never be so dismissive towards him, you should point that out to him. Maybe there was a situation in the past where you adjusted your actions to accomodate his feelings. Make him aware of stuff like that & see if that changes how he reacts. If it doesn't, I'd like about what you are getting from this relationship. It doesn't sound like a healthy two-way relationship from what you have said so far.
I'm not going to address the porn issue in any detail, it isn't the biggest thing I see here. It is the above comment.
I was married to an alcoholic for a long time and trust me when I tell you that you won't be able to change him if he doesn't want to change.
Who he is drunk is who is is sober, being drunk just gives him the excuse he needs to manifest the behavior. I can't tell you how many times I said the exact same thing to people. "He didn't mean it, he's just been drinking" or "He doesn't normally act like that".
It is not your fault that he looks at porn, or that he drinks. It has nothing to do with you or your weight and everything to do with him. You can only control yourself and your own actions.
Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.
We want to help you...and when we hear things like this, we can't help but want to advice you to not be with someone who shows uncaring behavior towards your feelings.
but back to your original question, yes, it bothered me VERY much when I found out how much my husband was looking at the gorgeous (albeit artificially) women on the 'puter. And I hate to sound if I'm vain or stuck up on myself, but I was in pretty OK shape and my face wouldn't make babies cry. So I felt really ugly in comparision.
My husband also said that he thought I was desirable, beautiful, sexy, etc. but he also liked looking at the soft porn.
It was also at a time in our marriage when we were having lots of problems in other areas, and I wasn't under treatment for my depression, so it was a really bad time.
So in my opinion, if it is something that bothers you, it does need to be addressed to your level of comfort. ANd maybe he is trying to be helpful by working out that compromise he suggested, but I also don't think your weight goals should be part of the compromise.
I only read page one but not ALL men view porn. Some do and some don't. Some meet that special girl and if she is upset by it, it is not worth it to them to upset her.
If this is important to you. Put your foot down. If he doesn't care about your feelings, find somebody else.
I agree with everyone who's said that this is not about porn, but the dynamics of your relationship and your sense of self. If your BF is as disrespectful as you make him out to be, you need to think about whether or not staying in this relationship is a good idea.
That said, his porn consumption has nothing to do with your weight. AND many, many, many perfectly normal people (men and women, sometimes as a couple) enjoy porn without ruining their relationships, becoming addicts, becoming violent, or molesting children. For some individuals and couples, pornography opens up worlds of sexual fantasy and exploration they otherwise have no access to.
However, your BF's refusal to stop watching porn (or at least keep it to himself) even though you've made it clear how much it bothers you is extremely troubling. What's more troubling, though, is the extent to which your sense of self-worth seems to be dependent on whether or not he gives it up.
You said you've had problems with ED in the past - have you ever sought counseling? I'm sorry you're going through this, but as many other people have noted, I don't think the pornography is the issue here.
Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.
Sweetie, I think his watching porn just may be one of the lesser problems of this relationship.
Most guys watch porn. I work on a team of all guys and they all watch porn even if their SO doesn't realize it.
My husband watches porn. When I first realized he was watching it I confronted him about it and he was completely open and honest with me.
It's not about you (or me) at all. It's a guy thing! My husband even said to me, "I would NEVER want you to do some of those things I look at! I respect you too much!"
It's about fantasy and just, well, getting off. When I considered what he said it made sense to me. There are times when I think about things in my head that excite me that I would never want to actually do in real life.
I hope that all made sense. Remember, lose weight for YOU and not anyone else. Also, he should respect your feelings. If he doesn't at all that's a completely different issue.
However, if he wants to work with you about things, then you also need to compromise with him and his want to view porn. Relationships are a give and take thing.
I can't say that I love that my hubby watches porn, but I know he does and it doesn't bother me. At the end of the day he loves me and only wants to be with me.
While it is true that not all men look at porn, it does not make the ones who do abnormal in any way.
Quote:
If you already have an active sex life, then your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're "too fat." That's just a silly thing to believe. He's watching it because he likes it. If you don't like being with someone who does that, then find someone else.
And stop thinking that if you just lost weight, the world would change...
I agree wholeheartedly with both of these things.
I especially agree 100% with this summation of the possibilities:
Quote:
1. You have a great guy, you have unrealistic ideas about men, you can adjust and both be happy
2. He has a problem going on, and it's not about you, and you have to decide what you can and can't live with
3. He's normal, you're normal, neither is wrong, but you're just not on the same page, and it will always cause conflict and resentment
Finally, you said:
Quote:
I guess I am just living in a fantasy world where if you love someone, you would not need to look at anyone else. I have no desire to see other naked women or men, I truly don't.
You are making the desire to look at a naked person into a barometer for love and that's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your partner(s), current or future. If you don't have the desire to look at another naked body, then that's your choice and your desire. that doesn't mean that someone else who does, doesn't love you. And if you feel that love = not ever looking at anyone else naked again, then you owe it to yourself and to your partner to find someone who feels the same way, rather than forcing him to fall in with your moral values.
Honestly based on all of your responses, I really really really think you need to find a counselor and talk to someone. I think some therapy would really help you. If you feel that you don't deserve to eat for any reason, then you have an eating disorder going on. If you feel that you are not a worthwhile human being, then you need to talk to someone about that.
At it's core, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend and EVERYTHING to do with you.
There's nothing wrong with liking porn. There's nothing wrong with not liking porn. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is on the same page as you are about those things. There is something majorly wrong with basing your self-worth and whether or not you deserve TO EAT!!!!! based on whether your partner likes porn and you don't.
Please please please ... get some help. Find someone (professional) to talk to about this.
.
Last edited by PhotoChick; 11-11-2008 at 01:49 PM.
Location: Nebraska. I live in rural Nebraska. Moo.
Posts: 20
S/C/G: 167/162/145
Height: 5'7"
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhotoChick
Quoting a whole bunch of people:
I agree wholeheartedly with both of these things.
I especially agree 100% with this summation of the possibilities:
Finally, you said:
You are making the desire to look at a naked person into a barometer for love and that's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your partner(s), current or future. If you don't have the desire to look at another naked body, then that's your choice and your desire. that doesn't mean that someone else who does, doesn't love you. And if you feel that love = not ever looking at anyone else naked again, then you owe it to yourself and to your partner to find someone who feels the same way, rather than forcing him to fall in with your moral values.
Honestly based on all of your responses, I really really really think you need to find a counselor and talk to someone. I think some therapy would really help you. If you feel that you don't deserve to eat for any reason, then you have an eating disorder going on. If you feel that you are not a worthwhile human being, then you need to talk to someone about that.
At it's core, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend and EVERYTHING to do with you.
There's nothing wrong with liking porn. There's nothing wrong with not liking porn. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is on the same page as you are about those things. There is something majorly wrong with basing your self-worth and whether or not you deserve TO EAT!!!!! based on whether your partner likes porn and you don't.
Please please please ... get some help. Find someone (professional) to talk to about this.
.
Hey Photochick,
I honestly would seek counseling were it an option. However, I do not have health insurance through either of my two jobs, nor do I have the money to pay out of pocket for one. I am very low on financial resources, so it really is not an option for me at all when I have bills to pay and barely scrape by each month. Maybe one day.
All I have to say, even when I was with my boyfriend, and we had a very health sexlife... I STILL watched porn. My ex was hot stuff too. I didn't watch the porn to look at other men(or women) I just enjoyed watching it to get off.... it had nothing to do with him. I found out he was watching porn while he was with me too, but it really didn't bother me at all because LISTEN UP NOW, HE WAS WITH ME BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME!!!!!!!
Guys watch porn. So what?
Did you really not know that men like porn?
Listen, guys like girls with all sorts of bodies. That's what they like about porn, it has so many different body styles. Not all porn is skinny girls either.
For the most part, guys like what you give them, whether it is big boobs or small, big butt or small.
I have to admit, it makes me feel a little better that my hubby likes porn with mature women, not grannys, but ladies in their 30s-40s. They have more real bodies. As guys get older, their taste in women usually matures.
Like someone else said, they know that most of those girls are fake and starve themselves. Most guys, even tho they look at other types of girls, prefer that the girl they are with is more natural.
