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update: ok or not?

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Old 10-28-2008, 09:52 PM   #1
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Default update: ok or not?

Okay,

Some of you may remember a post I had a while back where I was upset that my husband was emailing and talking to a single woman often.

Well yesterday I went in on my day off to pick up extra hours for the much needed money (I am the only income in our family) and I came home to find emails where this girl is telling my husband how perfect and huge her breasts are. It started with her asking him how to get a guy away from his girlfriend because she wanted him. My husband said....flash him your boobs. She went on to say she wanted him to like her for more than that but that her breasts were better than the average pair and that she has only had lots of compliments and no complaints. It went on for a few emails back and forth before they changed the subject.

See what could be innocent banter between two friends I can't see because to me I see me going off to work to provide for our kids while he sits at home and has a friend tell him how well built she is.

Am I wrong to be bothered and upset by this???
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Old 10-28-2008, 09:59 PM   #2
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If that was my husband he would have my heel up his a**... totally wrong if they are friends thats fine but he was out of line... and it sounds like you are supporting him too... girl you know what you feel comfortable with and it sounds like that crossed the line....handle it with the most wisdom you can
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:04 PM   #3
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Well, it seems that she's asking him for advice about another guy - not that she's offering to flash her boobs at your husband. Also your husband was the one who started with the advice to flash her boobs (based on what you've said) and her response is ... well I guess they're good enough (or words to that effect), so I don't see this as being necessarily anything bad. Then again, I'm not freaked out by sex talk ... I don't consider it a taboo.

I dunno. I have asked my guy friends for advice on a relationship before (yes including sexual advice) - I figure if they're happily married they must know something about the way a guy's mind works in that respect and can give me advice.

I gotta say that it seems to me that there's a lot more here than just his female friend and what they talk about. Your comments about how you are working overtime, how he's sitting at home while you work to earn money chatting with a friend, etc., seem to indicate a LOT of resentment on your part about this. I am kind of wondering if you're really angry and resentful about this work/money situation and the friendship happens to be a convenient thing for you to pin all your anger and resentment on.

If you're upset, you're upset, but I might suggest that you need to figure out what you're REALLY upset about before you get involved in making a huge big deal about this. Because if you accuse him of cheating or nearly cheating and it's really about something else - it could be hugely damaging to your marriage.

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Old 10-28-2008, 10:09 PM   #4
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I would totally tell my husband I don't feel comfortable with him talking to this girl. And if he continued to talk to her, we'd have problems.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:19 PM   #5
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I would definitely discuss this with my husband as I feel that is inappropriate conversation with a married man and a single woman. I might feel differently if you both knew the woman and he openly discussed this with you...but it sounds like he has to much time on his hands.

I also agree with photochick that you need to assess what you are truly angry with...the fact he is sitting home flirting with single women online while you are working OT hours and the only breadwinner. You also dont mention how you found this information, as it sounds as if it was hidden. Did he share this with you or were you spying on him and reading his personal email? I was married to a serial adulterer so I know what that doubt and mistrust feels like, so if this is bothering you I strongly discuss you get it out in the open NOW.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:20 PM   #6
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See my problem is I see both points. I can totally see what you are saying Photochick. There are huge issues about the work situation. And that adds an element of resentment about the situation. However as a married woman, my beliefs are that what he said about show him your boobs and her response of well they are real and perfect isn't appropriate. But see these are my feelings, not his....and I don't want to control my husband and put him on a leash and say you can't ever talk to her cause that isn't right either. I love him and trust him and have to let him make the call of what he will or will not do.

The problem I am having is that I don't think that type of conversation is appropriate but he didn't see anything wrong with it...so now we have to find some kind of common ground where we can find something that works for both of us.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:23 PM   #7
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I just assumed that the reference to the "other" guy was made up. Just a (very flimsily) veiled reference to your husband and you. IMHO.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:39 PM   #8
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See ... I guess I don't see the drama here. I joke with my guy friends all the time about sex and boobs and whatnot. Then again I'm a wedding photographer, my guy friends are wedding photographers, and we all spend time in women's dressing rooms watching brides and bridesmaids dress. So the whole "show him your boobs" thing .. honestly? My personal thought is "what's the big frickin' deal????"

And I"m not trying to be flippant or to dismiss your feelings, because your feelings are yours and I don't want to invalidate that.

I just ... I really and truly don't get it. And I feel a bit like a freak here since everyone else is all outraged, but honestly ... I have this type of conversation with my married guy friends all the time and I would NEVER think that it would be an issue. Heck, one of my guy friends and I have had this kind of back and forth banter in front of his wife and she just rolls her eyes and smiles - because she knows it's so very him.

In fact I'm thinking of a very specific conversation I had with a friend of mine (I"ve mentioned him before here - he's dealing with pancreas cancer, has had surgery, is undergoing chemo). I remember one day over a month ago we were texting back and forth and he mentioned how damn boring being in the chemo bay is and I made some flippant comment about showing up in a bikini to give him something else to think about. (I also joke with him like this because he lost 180 lbs 10 years ago and has kept it off ... so he has been very supportive about my struggle with weight and understands that right now (a) I'd never wear a bikini but (b) someday I'd like to think I could.)

But God's honest truth ... there is NOTHING between us. He loves his wife and kids and I'm happy with my guy. It was a fun, flirty joke and there was no intent there. But now I'm wondering - if I had had that conversation with your husband, would you think I was a sleazy bimbo luring him away from you?

That bothers me ... that so many women seem to automatically see their fellow women as lying cheating bimbos who are out to steal husbands from innocent wives. And are so ... freaked out ... by any conversation that has any hint of sex to it. And that the friendly banter I have with my guy friends could make someone perceive me as that way.

I dunno. I probably ought to remove myself from this thread before I get in trouble. I just don't get it.

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Last edited by PhotoChick : 10-28-2008 at 10:41 PM.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:43 PM   #9
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I think context is key. If you joke around like that all the time, then duh, any particular instance is not likely to be some red flag.

If a relationship has not been built with that kind of banter, then the interchange going on is very different.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:47 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvja View Post
I would totally tell my husband I don't feel comfortable with him talking to this girl. And if he continued to talk to her, we'd have problems.
Yeah, that would be my short and sweet answer, too. I'mma have to give this one a bit "he!! no!"- I wouldn't let it continue if I were you. JMO
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:54 PM   #11
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Quote:
If a relationship has not been built with that kind of banter, then the interchange going on is very different.
But I guess it seems - from this post and the previous one - that the relationship *is* kinda based on that kind of banter.

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Old 10-28-2008, 11:01 PM   #12
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I would find it highly disrespectful of both me and our marriage if my husband had 'joked' with a woman about 'boobs'...just as he would feel the same if i 'joked' about male anatomy with a man...
i think that is one reason there are so many divorces nowadays..some people forget the 'sanctity' of marriage.. for the most part, breasts are for feeding children or sex.. i dont see how discussing them with another woman, joking or not would be appropriate as she falls into neither catagory.. or shouldnt anyhow...
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Old 10-28-2008, 11:05 PM   #13
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i think that is one reason there are so many divorces nowadays..some people forget the 'sanctity' of marriage.. for the most part, breasts are for feeding children or sex.
You're kidding right????

Tell me please that you're kidding.

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Old 10-28-2008, 11:08 PM   #14
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But I guess it seems - from this post and the previous one - that the relationship *is* kinda based on that kind of banter.

.
I meant the marital relationship and their circle of friends in general. It sounds to me like what he is doing with this woman is not the norm in this marriage and this circle of friends. It has sounded to me like this relationship between the OP's husband and this woman is different from his usual friendships. That's what is a red flag to me. She didn't frame the problem as him flirting with lots of people and that being a problem. She said he is flirting with this one woman.
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Old 10-28-2008, 11:15 PM   #15
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no, im not kidding.. at least that is what i use mine for.. i breastfed both my children and they are an errogenous zone.. if you have something else yours do other than those two things.. more power to you photochick!
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