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Old 10-22-2008, 02:52 PM   #1
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Default Wedding gift for second marriage??

Hi all,

I've done some googling and really haven't come up with an answer, so I thought I'd ask you all.

My brother-in-law's step daughter got married a couple of weeks ago for the second time. We rec'd an invitation to the wedding, but were unable to attend.

My question is: should we send a gift??
Some websites said that you are not obligated for a second marriage and some said it didn't matter if it was the 15th wedding, you should send a gift.

Here's my problem with it: we always send this girl a Christmas gift and gifts for her 2 children (for Christmas and birthdays) and I never get a thank you or acknowledgment of any kind for the gifts.
So, I'm sure if we send something, we'll never hear anything about it. They live in another state and we haven't even seen them in over 2 yrs.
The only little bit of "guilt" that I'm feeling is that I don't want to hurt my sister-in-law's feelings (her mother).

So, what would you do??

Last edited by ddc; 10-22-2008 at 02:53 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 10-22-2008, 02:57 PM   #2
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huh, do they have a registry?
If not, a nice gift is a bottle of wine that will age well. I guess they're supposed to drink it in 10 years at their anniversary (although I'm not sure if you're mailing it- that wouldn't work).

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Old 10-22-2008, 02:59 PM   #3
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I wouldn't go all out. A nice card and a gift card ($25-ish) to Bed Bath and Beyond or somewhere similar. I say that because she seems a tad ungrateful and it doesn't seem like $10, $50, or $100 would make a difference. So dont break the bank over a gift for her, but just enough to let her know you love her and support her.
IMO... I do agree that second marriages should get gifts but not traditional ones. You still want to give the couple good wishes and set them off well on their life together. Just because it didn't work the first time doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the support.
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Last edited by raw23; 10-22-2008 at 03:01 PM.
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:26 PM   #4
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Definitely don't go all out. But I wouldn't expect any thankyou card if her m.o. is not to send one and you know it. I have been to sooo many weddings and gotten one thank you card. One. Hahhaha. And that was back in 1993.... AND it was for the wrong gift....I threw it in the garbage anyways eventually. But I see what you mean...maybe a phone call or something would be nice. Some people are just like that and would never expect a thank you for anything they give.
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:34 PM   #5
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Honestly, if it were me I wouldn't bother at all. Maybe send your sil a nice present if you actually like her.

She doesn't communicate with you, she doesn't tell you she's received gifts you sent, why bother?

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Old 10-22-2008, 03:42 PM   #6
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I would send the mother of the bride a nice little gift, but if the bride takes your gifts for granted then I see no reason to bother, beyond a congrats card.
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Old 10-22-2008, 05:00 PM   #7
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I'm with Sarah and peachcake on this. You've made efforts in the past and she can't even send you a thank you note? Seriously, why bother? If her mother brings it up tell her why you didn't send a gift. and be honest. In my book there is NO excuse for not sending a note saying thank you. NONE.

My brother's step daughter got married in June. I waited and waited and waited for a thank you note and finally got it -- five months later and one day before the baby shower invitation came! Made me think that the only reason I got a wedding gift thank you note was so that I would send a baby shower gift. My theory is that .... what goes around, comes around. You should not feel guilty, she should. And if she is perplexed as to why you didn't send a wedding gift . . . well maybe she'll figure it out.

And while you're at it, I'd stop the Christmas gifts too. Obviously she takes it for granted that you will send a gift. Don't. Send a card and be done with it.
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Last edited by Hat Trick; 10-22-2008 at 05:07 PM.
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Old 10-22-2008, 05:03 PM   #8
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I actually think this is more a case of just general gift giving rather than a second wedding. You could send a 'congrats' card with no gift because she doesn't seem to appreciate your previous gift giving efforts.
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Old 10-22-2008, 05:12 PM   #9
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I think you should send a small gift, and try to follow up somehow to make sure she got it. Or maybe in your card say "I sure hope you get this! I've tried sending you gifts before but never knew if you got them or not. Congratulations on your marriage!" I would think if you did not send something she would think it was because it was her second marriage, and I don't think your intention is to punish her or anything for having a first marriage fail. I've always followed the notion that if you got a wedding invitation, you should give a gift.
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Old 10-22-2008, 08:59 PM   #10
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does she send you christmas presents or at least cards when you regularly send them to her?
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Old 10-23-2008, 01:38 AM   #11
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meh i guess i'm a grinch too, i don't think i'd send anything. not a close relative and obviously someone who has taken you for granted in the past, plus the wedding was a couple of weeks ago. i'd send a card and leave it at that.
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Old 10-23-2008, 08:42 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Scarlett View Post
does she send you christmas presents or at least cards when you regularly send them to her?
No, she doesn't. I am cutting them off my Christmas list for sure this year.
I think I'm being a Grinch when I say that though.
I've cut my Christmas list down to immediate family pretty much and now I feel like I should expand it again. (that's another thread though, right?)

Thanks everyone.
I asked my husband *again* last night if he wanted to get her anything, and he said a gift card and a card would be ok (since it is his brother's step daughter). So, I guess that's what we'll do.
I'm not expecting a thank you note though - lol !

Last year I sent her kids checks for $20 for their birthdays and one of the checks never cleared (after a couple of months). I asked my SIL (her mother) about it and she said that she had given the kid the $20 and must have misplaced the check. Well, like 6-8 months later, my SIL asked me if that check had ever cleared-she thought she washed it in a pair of jeans- and could I send another one!!! I never did. That irked me too. One, that she lost the check and second that she asked me for another one. Geez.

Anyway, thanks again for the input.
Have a great day all
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Old 10-23-2008, 07:41 PM   #13
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Time to downsize your gift giving DDC!
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Old 10-23-2008, 11:23 PM   #14
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Did you send her a gift for her first wedding? If so, I don't think it's really necessary to send a gift for her second. If you didn't, I don't see a problem with sending her one now. Just imho.
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Old 10-24-2008, 01:11 AM   #15
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wow sounds like she just doesn't get it.

i would not waste any more energy on it personally.

this has been my experience w/ all my in-laws unfortunately.
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