I had a falling out with a long time friend about 3 years ago. She had another good friend who was very sickly and we often all spent time together. I haven't seen my friend for over 3 years or even talked to her but I just found out through an email that the sickly friend just passed away
So I responded to the email that she could send information to me about services. I then sent another email saying how sad it was what happened between us and that I don't know how it would be between us because so much time has passed and people change so much etc.
Now that some time has passed since very early this morning when I sent the response, I'm not so sure I'd want to go to a wake or anything because for all I know, all the people there were told bad things about me and I would be a pariah. I'm also not sure I even want to try to reconcile with this friend. I hope my email doesn't give that impression. It was an unsure and hesitant kind of thing. I haven't heard back yet about anything, but I'm just so anxious about it all. What would you do? Would you feel awkward going to a wake like this? I really do care and want to acknowledge the poor person who passed away (she was very nice). I'm so scared now that she might want to get together or something as a result of my second email and I'm not so sure I trust the whole thing. Anyone else ever have stuff like this happen? What did you do?
I really do care and want to acknowledge the poor person who passed away
To me, it all boils down to this exact statement.
If you let anything else affect your decision to go to the wake and honor your friend who died, then you're making the wake about YOU and not about her. Go to the wake, honor your friend, be pleasant and friendly to anyone else.
If the other former friend approaches you and wants to get together, be gracious, polite, friendly and smile and say you'll get in touch with her after the wake/funeral. That way you won't feel put on the spot to agree to anything and you can email her later and say (very nicely) that you dont' think it would be a good idea to get together, but you hope there are no lingering ill feelings (or something like that).
This all presupposes that you really do want to go to the wake to honor your friend. If you're "iffy" about going to the wake, then I'd send a condolence card to her family and skip it.
Yes. I had a strange falling out with my best friend from college. She got miffed because I didn't come to her husband's 40th birthday party (my husband attended, though). It was because my brother had driven 800 miles to visit me for the weekend and I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to abandon him for the weekend so I could travel 400 miles in a different direction for a party. Anyway, it's been rocky ever since. I think we've spoken only 3 times since that happened 5 years ago. And now she's divorced.
However, if this sickly friend was your friend too, I see no problem going to the wake/funeral to support the family. Don't think about what people are thinking about you, just do what you think is best to show you did care for this person.
Just went through something like this this past weekend. Longtime friend, known for more than 30 years. We had a falling out about 2 1/2 years ago. Last week she contacted me for the first time since then to tell me her son had passed away and invited me to the memorial service.
There was no way I was going to NOT attend this. Regardless of what happened between her and myself, I loved her son and wanted to be there to honor his memory. I didn't care what she had told everyone else, if anything because the event wasn't about me. It was about her son. I went and am glad I did. It was a little odd being with her after all this period of time, but it was important for me to go. It is possible she might want to renew our friendship and like you I am not sure I want to do that.. at least not without her and I sitting down and discussing this whole thing. I will deal with that if and when that happens.
I say go to the service, because nothing is so expensive as regret.
"What are you REALLY hungry for?"
She was more of a secondary friend. I know that sounds awful, but that's what she was-a friend of a friend. I don't even know her parents or anything. This is causing me anxiety to the point where I can't think of much else right now and I can't stand myself for it! I wonder how awful it would be to send flowers or something.
I agree with everyone else. Go to the wake, or at least send flowers to the family.
If you still dont hear back from your former friend, wakes and funeral info are usually in the paper. You should be able to find the info.
I think you're working yourself up over something that really isn't that big a deal. It doesnt' sound awful that she was a friend-of-a-friend. We all have friends and then acquaintances. Not everyone you know is going to be a bosom-buddy. Sometimes people are just people-we-know.
So breathe here and realize that this is not a big deal.
You obviously feel like you need to acknowledge her passing, so do so. Send flowers. Send a card. Whatever. And then let it go. It's really really really not worth having an anxiety attack over. Life is too short to stress about this.
Last edited by PhotoChick : 10-07-2008 at 02:58 PM.
Then there's the issue of the email I sent that I'm afraid might have sounded like a suggestion for reconciliation but was more of a "reaching out". I wish I could take back that particular email and think about it more before sending it! Blech! I'm feeling so awful about it all.
Last edited by lipidful : 10-07-2008 at 04:04 PM.
Reason: edited for privacy ;)
That's what you sent? It doesn't sound too terribly like your trying to reconcile.
Another thing to consider, she's grieving. She just lost a good friend and I know when I'm grieving I'm not checking emails. I'm spending time with close friends and family. She may not even get your message, or it might be an email account she doesn't check frequently.
On that grieving point, it sounds like you were clingly in your friendship with her. She might not want to deal with that while she's in mourning. Put yourself in her shoes, too. But also do what you think you need to do to get through your other friend's passing. I'd send flowers.
So you don't think it sounds too much like a reconciliation attempt? I'm just afraid that she might take it that way and be even more hurt. I'm such a mess! She does use that email. It's the one she notified people from. I know I must sound like a nut right now, but this is really bothering me. Thanks, all, for your responses.
What would be so terrible about a reconciliation, if that occurred? Also a reconciliation (lets not have hard feelings) doesn't mean an invitation to become best busom buddies again. Even if she asks to have lunch or get together, you can choose to decline, or if you choose to go, you're not obligated to hang out with her frequently or trust her with intimate information.
A reconciliation doesn't necessarily mean that you've repaired the relationship and are starting off where you left off before the disagreement. It can be a point from which you begin to rebuild or redefine the relationship. It's not a guarantee that you'll ever be close again. You can even reconcile and decide to never see the person again.
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