So I have been in a weird place for a while, and I can't seem to find someone to talk to about it, but this website has really helped me through a lot so I thought I'd vent a little. So I had found a thread about feeling worse after losing weight, which really made me feel better because I wasn't the only person who felt like that. I still see me 120lbs ago, but I can see the new me in pics, but no one said that feeling goes away. I also found a thread about the straw that broke the camel's back, and I explained how I started losing weight because of a crush and that now we are best friends. Well this vent has to do a little with him, I am afraid I still have a thing for him. I thought I had been over him for like 2 years, but I still get excited when ever our hands touch, or whenever we wrestle around and fake fight. But when I am away from him I know that it is wrong to like him, he doesn't care about me as much as I do for him (friend wise), he isn't there when I need him, and recently has been changing for the worse. I am hoping I just feel this way because he is about to move away for college and I am just going through separation issues. And while I am going through this I can't tell any of my other friends I might like him because I had already gone through that, and even told him once. If I told anyone it would surely get back to him and everything would turn awkward. And I do love him (as a friend) and wouldn't want to harm our friendship, but how am I supposed to get over it? I am worried that if I do get over it I wont call/text him as much (I talk to him like everyday) and when he moves we'll grow apart. And I have other friends to talk to, but the one I go to most just lowers my self esteem more than it is. He used to be really fun and helpful, but now he just says how everything I wear looks awful, and says I'm a whore (it really isn't as bad as it seems, we all say it to each other in good fun) but just the timing is bad when he says it, and he has started making fun of my weight/appearance. But there is A LOT of background between us, we used to date(When I was still at 312lbs. Which made me feel like he really liked me), he still says he didn't expect us to be bf/gf but more like friends with benefits... so that always hurt, but we ended up being really good friends, but all this hurting me stuff is just starting. And then I have a couple of girl friends, but I can't have as much fun with them because one is usually grounded and the other is more into her family. So I am stuck with the boys or alone most of the time (and I really don't like spending time with my family, there is even more drama there). So I had decided to make some new friends at work, the problem is I am extremely shy, so I have very few friends there. And the few I have are only work friends, I don't have their numbers and I doubt we would ever get together outside of work. And again they are mostly boys, which is fine, I get along better with boys, not as much drama, but I would like to date. I have only had the one boyfriend, which ended up to be fake. But I keep making boys just my friends. I don't know how to flirt and I can't tell when anyone is flirting with me (my mother usually says someone was flirting with me, but she's my mother. so I dunno if anyone ever actually is). And I have another crush at work, but I already know it wont work out. He is into drinking, and I'm really against it. (We're only 18) And I have tried going to family for support through all this teenage girl drama, but they don't understand. And I just feel so alone anymore. I just needed to vent, and I hope to get some good advice. I love this site and am SO happy I found it! It really does feel like a family.
Sorry it was so long.
Nikki <3