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Old 06-28-2008, 03:56 PM   #1
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Default Dont now how to react .....

Ok this is a very random topic and i don't know why i am posting it here but being a very sheltered person i don't have many places to go in need of advice.

Yesterday i found out that my other half had been looking at porn on the internet and by the looks of what i found, quite a bit of it too.
Now he knows how i feel about porn and that i hate it and i have always asked him not to look as it makes me feel really bad, as personally i do not understand why looking at people on the internet is any differant to say jacking of to a random guy/ girl in the street just because they are pictures dose not make them any less real.
Not only this but makes me wonder well is he not happy with me ? would he be with her if he could ? and reminds me of how ugly i think i am.
Now im sure i would feel slightly differant if he had been straight forward with me but he wasn't he did it in secret and i ended up finding it on his computer. Which i then confronted him with, he said he was sorry but this has happened before and i am starting to think maybe it is just something he cant give up ...or maybe i just need to understand people need to have porn.

Anyway my question is due to my age i have a large lack of knowledge when it comes to this and i am curious as to how others feel about the subject and also how i should now handle the situation.
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Old 06-28-2008, 04:15 PM   #2
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Porn, in my opinion, is a way for people to have fantasies and not do anything about them.

My fiance learned all he knows about sex from porn. Positions, techniques... He watched it to become a better lover (and oh my... *grin*).

Depending on the type of porn, he may have just been indulging in fantasies via video that he knows he could never indulge in in real life.

With watching porn, I discovered my bisexuality.

Porn does different things to different people.

If I were you, I would ask him what he finds intriguing in the porn he watches, is there something he would like to do/try? I wouldn't make it into a bad thing unless he has 'illigal' types of porn, then I would be a bit concerned.

I hope I helped, hun!
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Old 06-28-2008, 04:15 PM   #3
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Oh, and your username is awesome if it has to do with World of Warcraft <3 <3 <3
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Old 06-28-2008, 04:23 PM   #4
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hehe yea
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Old 06-28-2008, 04:29 PM   #5
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A lot of my girlfriends have had this same problem and have come to me for advice. I know my boy watches porn sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. Despite the fact that those porn women are typically way thinner than me with perkier breasts, I know my boyfriend finds me sexy and is aroused by me, cause he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't. People have physical needs that must be met. So here's my philosophy:

Sometimes you can't go out for dinner. You gotta just make yourself a sandwich.
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Old 06-28-2008, 04:37 PM   #6
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porn is something that most men are compelled to associate with, even if they are perfectly satisfied with their partner. i think it has something to do with them wanting to be intimate with themselves and have sexual experiences personally in order to be better acquainted with their sexuality.
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Old 06-28-2008, 05:12 PM   #7
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porn is nothing to worry about as long as both parties agree that it is okay. It's when there's an agreement between the two that it's not allowed and one indulges in it that it becomes a problem, IME.

For me, my husband is deployed. He hasn't come right out and said it but I'm sure he looks at things. They have some pretty hefty filters on the computers and their unit does frequent sweeps to check for porn in their trailers, but alot of the guys have them on their American cell phones, pictures of their wives/girlfriends, pictures of random hookups, screen shots of porn mags, etc. They pass them around, keep the phones charged even though alot of them don't have international calling, just to keep those images available. It doesn't bother me in the least.
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Old 06-28-2008, 05:45 PM   #8
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Ok well thnx for the replies i suppose then its just me with a problem and i need to sort it out hopefully i will in time.
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Old 06-28-2008, 05:52 PM   #9
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There's nothing wrong, IMO, with watching porn. I do it. My guy does it. It's no big deal. Again, IMO. Also keep in mind that in general men are more visually stimulated than women; for them porn is simply a way to become aroused, not an emotional trigger point.

But there are two issues here: One is that you have a problem with it. Some people will say that if you have a problem with it, he should be respectful of your feelings and not watch it.

The other perspective is that since it's not harming anyone, you should be respectful of his desire to watch it (as long as it's not negatively impacting your sex life) and not forbid him to.

(I tend to agree with the 2nd perspective - for me it would be like my guy forbidding me to eat chocolate because *he* doesn't like it and doesn't think it's good for me.)

I also agree with Naytally above, that porn can be a good/fun thing to incorporate into a healthy relationship. It's amazing what you can learn from a decent porn video! And there is porn out there geared towards women as well ... porn that's slightly less graphic and more story based. OTOH, most men prefer gonzo porn (IME) and I think that's what a lot of women have a hard time with.

This is one of those areas where, unfortunately, the concept of mutually respecting each other's opinions/thoughts/desires (him never watching vs. you being really upset by his watching) is not always 100% possible and so you have to work out a balance of some kind. It's not always easy.

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Old 06-28-2008, 06:06 PM   #10
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Basically - here's my view on it.

I'm a 19 year old female college Sophomore with a 3.8 GPA. I'm in a stable secure relationship with my boyfriend whom I live with. I don't necessarily believe in waiting to have sex until you're married. But I absolutely do believe in being with someone long enough to have strong foundations of your relationship in place, and an understanding of respect, maturity and fidelity before considering having sex. As well, of course, as using protection and being as safe about it as possible.

If my guy wants to watch porn - he absolutely can, and I'd be okay with watching it with him. I don't personally take offense to it, because I know we're secure enough in our relationship that I don't perceive it as a threat to our bond. Just as if he wants to masturbate, I won't take that as "Why don't you want to have sex with me??". Sometimes you just want what you want, and if you know what you want, and it doesn't hurt of affect anyone else around you - go for it (and sometimes, I just REALLY need to study LOL).

I can respect that he thinks there's something erotic about watching people have sex (Like I think it's erotic to watch him editing blue prints before work, when he's focused and work-oriented and dressed up - Mmmmm) , and I don't look at the girls doing it as something indicative of what he'd prefer me to look like (Can you honestly say you don't flirt with the cute waiter when you're out with your girl friends? And even though you do, aren't you still so glad to come home to your guy?) . I'm sure if we had our own pornography he'd be happy to watch that as well.


It sounds to me from how you prefaced the situation that you care more about your insecurities than about him watching the porn. He's not out having sex with other women, he's home with you. HE thinks you're beautiful, and HE wants to be with you. If you are morally against porn, then that's a talk the two of you need to have. If it comes down to morals and your opinions differ, you could have a lot more future problems in your relationship than this one. But just try not to let the negative voices in your head take the reigns in your relationship. I'd suggest you watch porn with him, and see if you can at least understand what it is he enjoys about it. Watch it. Talk about it. Communicate - that's really what it comes down you.

And in my opinion, just as it's wrong for him to 'hide' the porn from you, it's also wrong to snoop around his computer. If you're looking for dirt, anywhere, for any reason, it's usually possible to find at least a little dust. Nobody's perfect.


Oh oh oh. And I wanted to add that it's actually pretty common for guys to fantasize about other people during sex. It's not a personal thing - it's just what guys do. Whether it's Christina Aguilera or the coffee chick around the corner, it happens. My personal opinion on THAT - is I don't care who my guy talks to, or flirts with, or dances against - as long he comes home to *me*. As long as he's not making out with some chick in the corner, or having an emotional affair - he's free to go out with the guys and be a guy - as long as he comes home and does me I definitely don't want our relationship to burn out too early because we're acting like we're an old married couple at only 19. I want us to last - and part of that is letting eachother be young while we're young. ****


And now that I've written an entire novel for you, I'm pressing post now, haha. Good luck.


(**** Disclaimer: I have no idea if this is the recipe for success or not, I'm totally guessing. I just know that I want to marry this guy and I don't want us to divorce twenty years from now because we screwed up somewhere along the line, like my parents. :S But it sounds good in theory for now, and it's working for us so far ****)
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Old 06-28-2008, 06:22 PM   #11
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I completly understand everything you are saying, however i don't know i have such a problem with it i mean i think it is just because i feel every other girl is better than me and such... i dont go out and flirt and i don't really have any friends so i suppose i lack the same views as others as i do not experiance them.
I suppose i just need to find a half way point and communicate to him lots as well as realising that it is just a video and such.
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Old 06-28-2008, 06:27 PM   #12
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Some information...

1) Your husband has a *lot* of company.

-A study in 2004 showed the top three search engines accounted for about 5.5% of all internet site visits (all engines together accounted for 13.8%). Porn sites got 18.8%.

-I've seen much higher estimates for the percentage of bandwidth consumed by porn. That may be decreasing due to increased competition from other bandwidth-hungry apps (VOIP, teleconferencing, youtube, etc).

2) Recently someone on 3FC posted a study showing that it is healthy for men to look at pictures of busty women for ten minutes daily. Seems to have sort of the same effect as a workout. Sorry, but I can't find the link.

I'm sorry that his looking at porn bothers you. But it sounds like you are open minded and willing to work towards an understanding with him. I think that's great!

It's very unfortunate that he felt he had to go behind your back rather than discuss the topic with you. By showing that you are flexible on this topic, maybe you can help lay the groundwork for more openness in the future.

Good luck!
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Old 06-28-2008, 06:32 PM   #13
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You said in your first post that you're young and sheltered (and most people won't admit to that at all .. ), so I do think that you're ahead of the game here in realizing that about yourself. I truly don't think this means there's a "problem" with you, necessarily.

I agree with Eskinomad about maybe watching some on your own or w/ your boyfriend. At the very least it'll help you to knowledgeably know why you don't like porn, if you continue to not like it. Or, watching it with your bf, you may find you like it.

And ya know - sometimes my guy and I will watch something together and it just gives both of us the giggles. You just have to look at some of it and go "who does that anyway???" Or he'll watch something that totally turns him on and send it to me and I'll go "eh, whatever". What's funny is that rarely does it ever happen the other way around.

There are some people who truly do have an ethical/moral issue with porn. I don't agree with those people, but I can respect that they feel that way (as long as they don't try to dictate what I can or can't watch/read). If that is part of the issue in any relationship, as Eskinomad said above, then there are deeper issues that might cause long term problems.

But it seems like you're willing to be open minded and I think that's a good thing.

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Old 06-28-2008, 06:38 PM   #14
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You posted again before I had a chance to send off my last msg, so I have minor followup.

Regarding the porn stars -- of course you don't look like them. Neither do I or anyone else I know. There just aren't many human women who look like that. I expect the percentage that hasn't had plastic surgery is vanishingly small.

Porn isn't about real people and real emotions. A lot of porn is completely artificial -- cartoon depictions and computer generated models, in large part because the features can be exaggerated further. He doesn't prefer those artificial constructs over you. It's just recreation.
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Old 06-28-2008, 07:38 PM   #15
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Before what we consider porn was readily available (in the dark ages) boys and men looked at naked and semi-naked photos in the National Geographic and the underwear section of the Sears catalogs.

Most men, and some women are visually oriented sexually, and enjoy looking at provocative images (to varying extents and degrees).

What is considered ok, and what isn't, really should be discussed and AGREED upon in a relationship. If your desires are in opposition (it is my opinion that) the solution probably should be a compromise rather than one person getting their way completely (I think that's true for most things).

Shortly after my husband and I were married, my husband received a postcard for a discounted membership to Playboy, and asked me if I minded if he subscribed. In hindsight, I wonder if he was testing my response more than he wanted the magazine. I told him I was fine with it, and he ordered the magazine. I know it's cliche to read Playboy for the articles, but it's true the magazine has darned good articles. Often, I would read the magazine before my husband. Sometimes we looked at the magazine together, and we'd talk about the unrealistic images of the women. He didn't renew his subscription because he said Playboy was photographing fewer and fewer women with women's bodies. Not only were the girls more adolescent looking, they were mostly, shaved, and hubby found them creepy, saying that the models all looked like prepubescent girls, and didn't like the pedophile attitude that implied.

My hubby's friend gave him a porn cartoon, and I watched it - hubby didn't. I wouldn't say I found it sexy, but it was hilarious.

My husband loves me and makes me feel beautiful and sexy. Even at nearly 400 lbs, he looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. He's funny and outgoing, and I think handsome. Some other women did too, because there have been several times when a thinner, prettier woman has flirted with him, in my presence (seeing me, but considering me no threat, I guess). Once a woman tried to slip my husband her phone number while we were in the grocery store. I was about a half aisle away, but the woman had seen us together, so knew we were together. He pointed to me said loudly (so I could hear) as if he didn't understand, that she should give the number to me because he would lose it (the woman slunk away).

Once we ate in an oriental restaurant (in japan, really big men like the sumo wrestlers are considered very attractive), our waitress (very tiny, and very beautiful) asked us if we were brother and sister, and couldn't hide the disappointment in her voice when she learned we were married (she was so sweet, it was cute and I actually felt a bit sad for her).

I'm not afraid of losing my husband. When he would go out with the guys, I would kiss him goodbye and tell him "no cheap ho's" as a silly joke between us. One day he asked how he would know if the ho was too cheap, and I told him if he could afford her, she was too cheap. Then he asked about "free" hos, and I said definitely NO free hos. He (jokingly) complained that I wasn't being fair, so I suggested that if he ever met anyone he wanted to hook up with, she could submit an application and I would review it.

Now all of this is a silly joke, but that we would even joke about it, shocked his friends. Most of them have wives that are very jealous about guys night. Heck, I'm not worried, especially since one night I called my husband and I heard Lion King in the background. Now, I knew the plan was pizza, beers, and movies, but the Lion King! (It was hubby's choice - he's addictied to sweet animation movies, and he's big enough and scary looking, few of even his friends tease him about it).

One night they did go to the strip club (one of the unmarried guys birthdays). Most of the married guys don't want to go to the strip club - it isn't the naked ladies, it's paying twice as much for beers that annoys them.

Anyway, one of the strippers was off duty and stuck around drinking and flirting with the guys, talking about going home with somebody. When she got to my hubby, he told her (for the benefit of the guys who knew about it) that she would have to submit an application and have an interview with his wife first. Ok, the girl was drunk, and a little dumb to begin with (according to hubby) so she didn't get that it was a joke, and she got really angry and creeped out. She called hubby a pervert and left the guys alone (to what sounds like everyone's relief - the guys really do only want to watch, not touch). When he told me about the event, I nearly peed myself laughing.

I don't know how to pass on that kind of security to anyone else, but I know that hubby picked ME, and only wants ME. I don't worry about him having an affair. Not only because I trust him not to, but because I know he would be an idiot to risk losing me. He's not stupid, so I know I can trust him. I'm not saying there isn't a remote chance that something could happen, but I can't spend my life worrying about someone else (even my husband and best friend in the universe) making a stupid mistake.

Talk to your husband about it, and work out something you both can feel ok with.

If you're not morally opposed to it (and not just uninterested), consider finding some couple-friendly porn and watch it together. There is even porn designed for couples and women (can't remember one of the production company's name, but it's owned by a woman) - the movies are more romantic with a lot more plot and foreplay leading to the naked parts. It might help you see it from a different perspective (and might be fun).

Nothing makes me feel more romantic than a chick flick (regular, non porn kind like Sleepless in Seattle, or You've got mail), but that doesn't mean that I want to sleep with Tom Hanks (now if I were single...). And watching porn doesn't mean that either of us want to have sex with the actors on the screen.

A lot of people feel differently, and I respect that. Just wanted to share my (slightly odd) perspective.
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