Hello, I'm new to the general chatter thread but I'm hoping there are some practical experts out there who can give some some ideas on/for my daughter. Problem: One of my daughter's best friends has suddenly turned against her. She's tried to talk with him but it just made it worse. She's not only mourning the loss of a friendship but she's trying to cope with the nastiness and rumors he is now spreading around school. I know this is a thing the kids have to solve that adults can't solve for them but she is really torn up about this and I'm out of ideas.
Last edited by WriterChick; 05-06-2008 at 10:15 AM.
Reason: typos
How old is your daughter? I've had this happen to me when I was younger (long time ago) and I've seen it happen with other kids. Sometimes it's the age and peer pressure, sometimes the kid who turns has something else going badly in his life and he takes it out on others. It's hard to tell. I don't think there is anything you can do except be there for your daughter to listen and give hugs. It's unfortunate and I'm sure it hard to watch your daughter go through this, but she'll be a stronger person for it. I know I am.
Thanks, I appreciate your kind words. My daughter is 13. I don't recall going through anything likes this. It's bad enough to lose a friendship, although I suppose it could be reclaimed at some point, but to have the friend going around overtly making life miserable is beyond me. I guess you're right. I just need to be the support. It just seems like my mom always had the answers for me (she'd ask us first if we wanted to hear them though!) and I wish I could do that for my daughter! I'm sorry you went through that; I guess stuff like that makes us more emphathetic?
Speaking as someone who works in the schools...
Most schools now have an anti-bullying curriculum.
Spreading rumors and hurtful things about is a form
of bullying. You can call her school and ask to speak
to a counselor. If there is no counselor at her school
then talk to the principal. Do *not* let anyone just
give you the 'just kids' pat answer. I've seen these
things go all the way to suicide. When it happened
at our school is when people sat up and paid attention
to bullying.
Now, with a strong family behind her, this is probably
not even in the universe for your daughter but be aware
that the world of school is much crueler than when we
were there.
If it was just a bad turn in a friendship, I'd say that they have to work that out on their own. But, if some nasty rumors are spreading around the school, then I'd step in as frogponder suggests.
Has your daughter told you everything that's gone on between her and her friend? Are you sure? Kids hold back alot of stuff, even if they have a really good relationship w/their parents. It the age I guess. See if there isn't something that's happened that she's just not telling you.
That her friend would 'out of the blue' drop her just doesn't add up. My guess is that something triggered it. Do they hang out w/different friends now? Has his behavior changed? Maybe he's gotten into stuff that your daughter doesn't go for and he decided to drop her. Does he like her (like her, like her )? That he's spreading rumours about her says to me that he's maybe mad at her. Did she reject his 'liking' her and just want to be friends?
My 11 yr old recently dropped a girl two houses up that she'd been friends w/since they were two. Initially it was because the girl started cursing all the time (its so an 'age thing' w/kids) but it really bothered my daughter. I told her that she wasn't going to play w/the kid if the kid was cursing all the time. The mom called wanting to know what was going on. I told her about the cursing and they put an end to it. The cursing was just an excuse though. The real reason my daughter doesn't want to hang w/the kid? Because the kid is rude, obnoxious, bossy and a snob (my daughter's words). Her friend has always been like this but at 6 it just doesn't matter as much as it does at nearly 12.
Would I make her remain friends just because they've been friends? No. My advice to my daughter was to tell the girl why she doesn't want to be friends (my daughter has many times) and to just restate it again and again. No being mean, no name calling, no nothing. I've been through this (both ends of it) w/my oldest (17) and yes, this is a part of being a kid.
What I wouldn't do is call the kid's parents to find out what is going on. Advising your daughter, listening to her, being there for her, making suggestions, teaching her the skills she needs to have in situations like this -- that's your job. It will work itself out one way or another. Good luck!
This happened to me in jr. high, and I wondered for years why my best friend dumped me. I never did find out why it happened.
Things get really different at that age--kids hit puberty, suddenly they want to be cool or part of the in crowd, and their old friends suddenly don't seem to rate.
I know it hurts for her, but she needs to know that (a) she's OK--it's not her, it's him, and (b) life goes on--she'll make new friends. The sun doesn't rise and set on having any particular person as a friend.
Chances are (since it's a boy-girl thing) he has a crush on some girl and that OTHER girl has forbidden him to talk to your daughter.
Girls are so mean.
I recommend reading (for you and for her) Rachel Simmons books. One is Odd Girl Out which is more text-book technical stuff and the other is Odd Girl Speaks Out which is full of the actual stories Rachel got from girls who were bullied (not that your daughter is being bullied--but it's all about girls and relationships). A couple of years ago I heard Rachel speak and she was so wonderful. I came home to tell my daughter (who was 14 at the time) and she went to her closet and came back with the second book--she had bought it years earlier when she was having friend problems. If anything, it allows you to see that you are not alone--almost everyone is or has been bullied at some time in their life.
Thanks everyone. It was a quieter day today. I don't think there is any bullying going on; we keep close tabs on things. A mutual friend has agreed to help them work things out and I'm hoping she follows through and that the kid in question is receptive to listening.
WriterChick,
Boy, I could write a book on this! I am the mother of two girls and a middle school teacher....
but, I couldn't say it any better than the earlier posters did. It is almost like a game you are playing...to keep your daughter's confidence up and still be a parent. If you contact the boys parents it WILL make things worse. I would go to the school if they continue to bully your daughter, though. The best thing you as a parent can do is love her and teach her through it...it stinks...really, really, bad...but unfortunately it happens.
I would tell her to not let them know that they are hurting her so much....to act like everything is alright even though it isn't. There is no better way to get back at people trying to spread rumours and hurt you then to just blow it off...if the perpetrators are not getting any sort of reaction out of her they'll eventually stop. I think contacting the school/parents just gives them power because it lets them know it's seriously upsetting her.
I also have experiences with kids this age....the kids are like hounds...they know who and who not to go after....the kids that radiate confidence and can blow off all the BS tend to be left alone...the insecure kids that get bothered by it get picked on more.
Maybe buy her some new clothes, tell her to walk around school confident with her head help high...acting like she could care less and ignoring the people who hurt her for 2-3 weeks will probably nip this problem in the bud....after 2-3 weeks the kids will find someone new to be preoccupied with and your daughter will be old news.
We're very lucky in that our daughter has always had an abundance of self-confidence! In addition, she's a firm believer in, and adept at the practice of "never let'm see you sweat" as well. This is basically just a friend-to-friend disagreement that resulted in one hurt or ticked-off friend (that would be the boy - embarrassed because he got called out on behavior that was irritating to a whole bunch of classmates) getting back by indulging in some very snotty behavior. While my daughter is a master at covering her feelings, she has to take ownership of the situation and avoid 'victim-hood.' I was taught and used to believe that the proper path was to "ignore them and they'll go away." While that is still the right course for some things (including dangerous situations where the right thing to do is to disengage and leave), I've learned that its important and empowering to (hopefully firmly, but diplomatically) let an offender know that what they are doing is (given the situation) hurtful, offensive, or whatever the case. Along with that in this situation, of course, is the hope that friendships can be resumed.
. . . I've learned that its important and empowering to (hopefully firmly, but diplomatically) let an offender know that what they are doing is (given the situation) hurtful, offensive, or whatever the case.
WC, it took me 35 plus years and my special needs son to finally be able to do this. I'm very comfortable expression my opinions now, regardless of whether people want to hear them or not. I've even learned to say something to people who butt in front of me in line and such, something I never, ever would have done when I was younger.
I hope your daughter's situation works itself out for the best!
I think my daughter is actually better at speaking up when something bugs her than I am. When she first tried this with her friend it did not go well. That's when the problem escalated. But whatever the kid was going through at the time, it apparently eased up to the point that when my daughter went back to him again to resolve their issues, it worked. There is again peace in the land known as middle school!
WC, I'm glad things worked out for your daughter. Things w/my daughter and her (no longer) friend have gotten worse. Maybe you could help me?
As stated in a previous post up, my daughter no longers wants to be friends w/a girl she's known for 8 or 9 yrs. The girl is rude, obnoxious, and snobby to my daughter (not all the time but she is like this alot). This has always gone on and my daughter would pull back from the friendship, telling the girl why, the girl would ease off the behavior, my daughter would then start playing w/her again but the not nice behavior always kicked in again from the other girl. My daughter finally had it this year (they are all now on a bus; they were walking b/4) and decided to end the friendship. After the mom called and I told her about the cursing, I thought everything was settling down. Now apparently, the mom is driving her kid to school. The mom called me yesterday literally shouting at me, whining and crying saying that my daughter was being mean to her daughter on the bus and now she can't even put her daughter on the bus. I'm pretty intuitive about my kids and I am 95% sure that my daughter is not doing this. (There is always room for doubt.) The mom then proceeded to tell me that another girl told her daughter that my daughter was posting lies and rumours about her on (yet another friends) website. I gave the mom the website -- there is NOTHING on there about her daughter. My kid DID NOT post ANYTHING on it!
Her daughter also called my daughter down to the guidance counselor at school a few wks. back. (just as an fyi, I don't go for adults butting in to normal, typical things like friends fighting. Just not what I think they are there for). Anyway, the mom is insisting that MY daughter also called her daughter down to the guidance counselor. My daughter insists that she didn't. I've told my daughter that if the guidance counselor calls her down because she had a fight with a freind, that she is to not say anything but to have to guidance counselor call me first. (Sorry, I just feel really strongly about this. ) The mom can call the guidance counselor to double check. If they've gone at the request of my daughter then she should let me know. But if they've only gone once . . . then her daughter is lying.
Anyway, gosh this got too long, this mom is all over me yesterday saying my daughter is being mean and that now she has to drive her kid to school. I admit, I got really defensive when she called -- more because of HOW she was talking to me vs. WHAT she was saying. I so don't want to get involved in this w/the mom. I really, truly believe that kids need to learn the skills to handle things on their own and that me talking to her mom just isn't the way to handle it. I told the mom ALL of this, including how I feel about the guidance counselor.
I did not have the heart to tell the mom WHY my daughter has dropped her daughter as a friend. I don't know if her daughter told her. Should I have told her? I am really uncomforatble w/the whole thing. I feel as if it is HER daughter who is gossping about my daughter and trying to get her into trouble. Even is this is true -- I still don't think its my place to call the mom and tell her to tell her kid to stop. I also think that her daughter is hurt and miffed that my daughter is sticking to her guns this time and is not resuming the friendship. I believe THAT is the reason this is still an on-going problem and why her daughter is getting off the bus crying.
The mom also said that my daughter has gotten off the bus, mumbling under her breath and then her daughter got off the bus crying and that meant that my daughter was saying mean things to/about her daughter. The mom was like 'other mothers saw this too'. My response was 'maybe my daughter was responding to something else and her mumbling had nothing to do with your daughter crying. Maybe your daughter was crying because my daughter wasn't talking to her'.
Any suggestions, advice, opinions? Thanks. Again, sorry this is so long.
kid help?
)? That he's spreading rumours about her says to me that he's maybe mad at her. Did she reject his 'liking' her and just want to be friends? 
Never Let'm See Y'Sweat
In addition, she's a firm believer in, and adept at the practice of "never let'm see you sweat" as well. This is basically just a friend-to-friend disagreement that resulted in one hurt or ticked-off friend (that would be the boy - embarrassed because he got called out on behavior that was irritating to a whole bunch of classmates) getting back by indulging in some very snotty behavior. While my daughter is a master at covering her feelings, she has to take ownership of the situation and avoid 'victim-hood.' I was taught and used to believe that the proper path was to "ignore them and they'll go away." While that is still the right course for some things (including dangerous situations where the right thing to do is to disengage and leave), I've learned that its important and empowering to (hopefully firmly, but diplomatically) let an offender know that what they are doing is (given the situation) hurtful, offensive, or whatever the case. Along with that in this situation, of course, is the hope that friendships can be resumed.
Happy Resolution
