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a lil advice pls...

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Old 05-14-2008, 10:54 AM   #1
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Default a lil advice pls...

lets say you have had a relationship with someone for 24 years... during that time, he has hit you ( left physical briuses) , lied about you, lied to you, started doing lsd, became a felon, said horrible things to you that cut you to the core, then decided he didnt want a relationship with you anymore cause youre too judgemental ..

now that you have it in mind what you would do... what if it was your son???

that is the issue im having... if it were anyone else in the world i would drop em like a hot fart... but this is killing me...
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Old 05-14-2008, 11:52 AM   #2
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I would let him know that I love him and always will, and would help him when he is ready for help, but I would not allow him to be verbally, physically or emotionally abusive to me.

Have you seen a counselor? Sometimes talking to someone helps you see where and how you can set up some boundaries.
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Last edited by midwife : 05-14-2008 at 11:52 AM.
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:10 PM   #3
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does he still live with you?
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:19 PM   #4
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Although he's your son, you've got to love yourself enough to stand up to him. As a mom, you can't enable him by letting him get away with treating anyone badly, whether it's you or someone else.

But I'm no mom. I'm sorry for your situation though. Good luck!!
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:33 PM   #5
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First things first. I am so sorry for what you are going thru

Second. I am a Mom. Mine haven't caused me this kind of pain, but my siblings and I put my mom thru **** on a several occasions. Eskimomad is right. We weren't able to pull our heads out of our A's until Mom quit covering for us and putting up with it. It not easy at all, but you're gonna have to stand up to him or he will never get better. If you let him hurt you too badly, you won't be able to be there for him when he is ready.

I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts.
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:36 PM   #6
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You still cant tolerate that behavior even if it is your son. Hopefully he has no siblings who are growing up thinking "this is how you treat a woman, or this is how women are treated". Sad but its time for tough love.

If you tolerate it, you enable it. - That is what my therapist said one time and it REALLY stuck with me. Good luck and get tough.
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:58 PM   #7
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Also, if one of my girls ever considered coming at me they both already know they can count jail time as the happy alternative to the whooping I'll lay in on them. Anyone who gets away with hitting you once will try it again. My ex never tried it, and he was literally twice my size. I made it clear when we were dating that if he ever hit me or my children, he would wake up in a hospital jail ward. I also never hit him.

I saw it happen to mom. It didn't stop till she put a stop to it. Then, she never let it happen again. But, by that time, she was close to getting killed or watching it happen to us. I hope your son gets help before it goes to far.
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Old 05-14-2008, 02:40 PM   #8
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Honestly, I'd drop him like a hot fart. But it wouldn't be easy.
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Old 05-14-2008, 02:55 PM   #9
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he hasnt hit me since he was 16.. but he did get me good then... he became a felon at 18... started taking lsd about 2 years ago.. and no, he doesnt live with me.. i live in england atm and he is in oregon.. but he hasnt spoken to me but once in two years.. and only to tell me that he feels absolutely no connection to me cept the fact i gave birth to him.. that he does not love me etc...
what brought all this up, and i know its dumb, is i have a myspace.. he sent me a request a year ago to be on my friends... hasnt commented or sent me a mssg even once..when i talked to him on the phone about 4 months ago ( for the first time in 2 years) that is when he told me he doesnt love me etc...i ws sooo hurt, i took him off my friends list ..petty i know, but seein his pic each day after that really hurt... two days later he sent me another request to be on my friends... no mssg.. just the request.. so i accepted it thinkin he regretted what he said and wanted to talk.. well, still no mssg...
the last thing he did was a few days ago.. you can buy friends on myspace.. dont know how familiar you are with it.. anyhow, a friend of mine bought me, then gave me to him... he promptly gave me to his sister with the mssg 'here, you take her, i dont f ing want her'...i really used to enjoy myspace... keep in touch with all my friends from the states that way.. but he made it so depressing... finally yesterday i made a new one that he is NOT on...i just cant look at his name on my friends anylonger and know he hates me this bad...
being a mother of someone on drugs has got to be the hardest thing in the world.. other than him and his crap, i would be a very happy woman.. im completely and totally in love with my husband, im living abroad and seeing new things... i have a good life... but dang it all, i cant get out of this depression over him.. thanks for the advice guys.. it helps.. i know i need to sever the ties cause this person he is now is NOT my son.. he is some drug addict... but i so miss my lil boy
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Old 05-14-2008, 08:37 PM   #10
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That's one of the sucky things about having kids.
You never know how they are going to turn out.
Mine are still small, but I think about this kind of thing happening all the time.

I'm sorry for your pain and frustration, but there's not much that you can do but to get on with your life. I know it's hard and it sucks big time.
Being away from him may make it a little easier, but it's just a tough situation.

I hope you find some peace,
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Old 05-14-2008, 10:07 PM   #11
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I don't want to make this sound "BAD", but I would phone the police or even Family Protection Services. Have them confront your son - they can help him - put him though detox/rehabilitation which will include anger management etc.

I believe that it would be best for you both. Your son may get angry at first, but if they can help him understand that they are trying to help by rehab/anger management etc he may see how wrong he was and get the support try to turn his life around and ultimately thank you for it.

You need to protect yourself before anything. Having him out of the house will do so. It'll give you both time to think and reflect.

While he's out of the house, I suggest some counselling sessions - there are wonderful counselors out there who deal with this situation every day

Do it for yourself AND your son.

Last edited by tamaralynn : 05-15-2008 at 09:19 AM.
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Old 05-15-2008, 12:03 AM   #12
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I totally agree with the counseling. You are not going to change him so you need to find a way to deal with the pain.

My cousin is addicted to drugs and he has put my aunt through ****. For a while she would bail him out every single time - she loves him and is financially able to help when he called. Finally, she had the strength to say no. He was very upset. VERY. And, like someone said to do earlier, she told him she loved him and wanted to see him well but couldn't put up with the drugs (to make things a little more complicated she also has custody of his kids, her grandkids). So, she told him not to try and contact her at all - or the kids - until he was clean. She says it is easier not knowing what he is up to - so I totally get the myspace thing. Your situation is different, of course, but the pain is not. My aunt says that it doesn't really get easier [sorry] - she spends a lot of time on her knees praying for him so it does get better to deal with.

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Old 05-15-2008, 11:10 AM   #13
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Wow - I'm so sorry...

Definitely counseling could do you some good. It sounds like your son has really done you a lot of emotional damage.

As hard as it may be - it may be better for you to keep your distance from your son. You are a living breathing person and for him to treat you like that is just out of this world. You deserve a better life than that.

Please look into speaking with a counselor. They can really help you and your son.

The best of luck to you!
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Old 05-15-2008, 01:02 PM   #14
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I'm so sorry to hear this. I know this is very painful for you. I'm all the more sorry for your son because he doesn't realize that he has someone as wonderful as you for his mom.

That be the case, I agree that you may need to stay a little distant from him for the meantime, and not just physically -- don't look into his myspace or anything. Don't ask about him to anyone for the meantime. Talk to a counselor. I hope somehow this will ease a bit of the pain you are feeling.

Stay strong, we'll be praying for you.
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