I'm getting so depressed. If you haven't read my threads about co-ed gym and the pros and cons of homeschooling, you'd have to read them to know what I'm going through with my daughter. Which is stressful enough...
My thing is that I started a beauty salon/barber shop last fall. Since I was first a hairdresser in 1983, I've dreamt of having my own shop and I LOVE it. Problem is...I have a house, husband and two kids to take care of, as well. Here it is, 2pm and its about 80 degrees and sunny outside and what am I doing? Cleaning. I have so much dust, clutter and grime all over my house and I'm literally near tears trying to clean it because I just don't have time anymore since I started working. I so desperately want to just go outside and play with my kids like the old days, but my house is an absolute pig sty. I have an old english sheepdog that keeps getting muddy and coating my kitchen with a layer of dirt. I just finished cleaning that, then went to the dining room and am starting to vacuum and finding...just...junk all over. I'm so depressed, I can hardly stand it.
I'm also thinking that my daughter's depression/lack of self esteem is stemming from my not being home anymore. I try to get her to help me and, after a week off, her excuse is that she has homework. My family's attitude towards me cleaning is that they don't care if the house is messy...my husband, included. Everyone makes me feel like my priorities are all out of whack. If it were just idle clutter, I wouldn't mind, but I'm goign around and finding cat puke, dirt, capri sun bags, etc and the litter box is a steaming stinking mess.
You know, I see other houses with working moms and their houses are always nice and neat and clean. How to they do it?
Anyhow...am I a fool for thinking I need to close up my shop jsut because I need to clean my house? It's really depressing me...I have absolutely NO time to myself at home to just do my cleaning a little here and there or just to sit and read a book. Well, I can read a book at the shop, but its not the same as just being at home. I wanted to start a garden for veggies, but gawd...
Absolutely do NOT give up your dream to have a shop!!! You are not the family maid--you are 1/4 of the house team.
It's time to call a family meeting, and remind everyone that a house is not one person's job. Surely your kids, no matter how old they are, have chores to do? I realize homework comes first, but the kids should be doing part of the housework as well, especially if they are teenagers. I don't think it's a good idea for girls to think that housework is completely a woman's job, and that it's ok for them to think a woman should sacrifice all of her time to doing more than her share of the work. It's not a healthy attitude for them to grow up with.
I know getting kids to do their chores is a pain--I have a 13 year old. If my kids don't do their chores, then they do not do any extra stuff either--no allowance, sports, clubs, scouts, trips, shopping, internet time, phone calls, sleepovers, NOTHING.
What does your husband do around the house to help? Even if he works full time as well, he should be doing a fair amount of housework.
Do NOT give up on your dream! Insist everyone else help out--as that is the fair, mature, and responsible thing to do.
Darkblue gave you some good advice. I'm not a mom, but I was going to comment on one thing - the cat box. Since I was a child wanting a cat I was told that was fine, but if the box wasn't cleaned then we couldn't keep the cat. Sounds like you need a little tough love. I was a messy child and my mother's response was to pick up all the crap she found then dump it in a pile on my bedroom floor. Of course I'm assuming that the Capri Sun bags are from your daughter. If they're from your husband you've got bigger problems.
(And no, I'm not the tidiest adult, but I am better than I was. )
Oops, I was going to add that my mother was a working mom (real estate / odd hours) and I did my own laundry from an early age and learned to cook because my father's attempts were horrible.
I'm a single, working mom to three kids (9, 8, and 5) who are in soccer, football, basketball, cheerleading, art classes and guitar lessons. Needless to say, we're busy! My house isn't perfect, but we can always have company. It comes down to what we call the "20 minute tidy". Every night we take 20 minutes (at 7 in our house because bedtime is 8) and we all pitch in to help clean up. Nothing ever gets overwhelming because we do it every night. It's amazing what 4 people can do in 20 minutes! The catch - - if someone doesn't pull his or her weight in the 20 minute tidy, it's pajamas and bed for you at 7:30 (bedtime isn't until 8). It works for us and I hope that maybe it can at least help for you. Good Luck!
Can you get some outside help with the housekeeping? Just getting a service to come in every other week to do the "deep" stuff can really help. Definitely enlist your entire family to help you out - my mom always said she had kids just do the dishes and mow the lawn . Even from an early age - I had very clear chore - but it started pretty small when I was young. I remember when my job was mating all the socks and rolling them into balls. As I got older, I got to fold towels, and then fold all the laundry, and then put all the folded laundry away. I always always had to clean the cat box every morning - that was non negotiable!
I'm a single mom with two kids, ages 5 and 8, and I also work full-time. I have my weekends off and I dedicate one day of each weekend to cleaning the house, which is sweeping, vacuuming, laundry, dusting and general decluttering. During the week, we just do a general pick up each night. It helps that we are not home 10 hours out of each weekday. I'm kind of a neat freak, so the kids know not to drag a bunch of their toys out of their rooms into the living room or other common living areas. Out of sight, out of mind!!
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Seems you could either put the kids on it, or hire a housecleaning service. No reason for you to close your shop. If money is a problem, get the kids and DH to vote: do they want to contribute to the fee for a maid, or would they like to divvy up the household chores? If they "don't care", just start going through with a trash bag and a shovel. I only had to do that once to my ds before neatness suddenly became a priority for him, too! Sometimes, you just have to act mental enough that they realize you mean business! lol
It is not a secret TECH!...there is NO TIME for hockey!! NO TIME!!
#1 ~ Take time for God...then there will be enough time for your family!
#2 ~ DH...has got to give a percentage at home...if you are working full time...he needs to cook...clean...WHATEVER...to help out
#3 ~ Kids need to help out with chores...stop the crap excuses! Time to TOUGH UP!! 30 freakin minutes of dusting WILL NOT KILL THEM!!
#4 ~ Be consistent...but FLEXIBLE!!
#5 ~ A clean house is a HAPPY HOUSE....a sterile house SUCKS!
#6 ~ Stop freakin WHINING!! about "stuff"..it is only stuff! We all have a hard knock life from time to time!
#7 ~ If the house is too messy for "people" to visit...
#8 ~ If the house is too messy for FAMILY to visit...clean it!
#9 ~ Angie MADE me learn to cook...that is how I ended up here...TRUE STORY!!!...if I can then your DH can....
#10 ~ PLANNING!!
I worked ~ Angie worked ~ My kids...all 3 of them...played year round sports...I have been the legal guardian of my nephew for 6+ years...We lived through it...we are all sane
No secret...plan meals...plan activities...be flexible...MAKE them HELP YOU!!! You are the POWER!!...you are the one that needs to help you to help them have a better life!! Seriously dear...are you NOT the brains of the family?...of course you are...GET WITH THE PROGRAM!! They ALL look up to you...you know they do!! Show them what they NEED to do!!
I don't have any idea how working mothers (or stay at home mothers for that matter) do it. I just wanted to say to all of you out there: I'm in complete awe of you!!!!
I know you'll find some way to work it out (moms always do!) so just hang in there!
techwife...I have done both, stayed at home and worked full time, when my kids were little. It was actually easier for me to work basically because of everything EZ said. Was it easy? Nope. Once you get a system going it will be good...
It is easier for us now since my son and daughter are off and married...dang son in law ...and my step-daughter is away in NYC for college...nephew is here but he is NEVER home for dinner...with $20 I give him and a few friends he can eat for weeks! ...he is required to tell me 2 hours before dinner though if he is eating at home or not! If he doesn't call...we do not make dinner for him...he is on his own...can food..a few frozen burritos...etc.
PLANNING is the KEY ~
Last night we had DATE NIGHT...we planned it...blue pill and all
went to church this morning...planned our day with the dogs at an art show after....
planned dinner for tomorrow night...I put flank steak and goodies in the crock-pot before we went to the art show...for Monday nights dinner...my night..
Angie will deal with Tuesday and Wednesday...she gave me her list for food before I went shopping today after the art show...she napped...we planned it...she cooked yesterday while I napped...we planned it..
we worked in the yard together yesterday...didn't plan it!...be flexible!
Wednesday we will do to dinner with our Vicar at church...he gets his call that day...all planned.
Thursday I am already planning and have the stuff for mango/peach salsa pork chops...
friday night is date night...no plans just a lot of smooching going on!! If Angie is lucky....hahahahahaha...yeah right!
Teach your family to be more independent. My poor, dear mother has to work constantly- she practically lives at work, and by the time she's home, she's so exhausted that she instantly goes to bed. Some times I don't even talk to her for many days in a row... For a little more background, my father does not live with us, my brother is.. well, lazy, and we're also taking care of my grandmother. On top of that, we have 2 cats.. 2 dogs.. 3 birds.. a ferret and a fish to take care of.
Things are not always perfect, but we get things to work. The house isn't always spotless, sometimes far from it, but I do help as much as I can. I do my own laundry(and sometimes my mother's), I cook my own meals(breakfast, lunch, and dinner.. and not frozen meals or crap like that, I'm talking home-made, from-scratch meals), I take care of the animals, I maintain the yard, I take care of my grandmother, and the list just goes on and on.. and this is just me, the teenaged daughter. If this was on the shoulders of just my mother, in addition to the extreme amount other things she's always dealing with.. I'm sure she would go insane!
You need to get the family to help out, plain and simple. Everything can NOT be left for you to do! They don't care about the house being messy, well- too bad, you do! You need to make it clear that you need help with all of this stuff.. Assign one family member to cleaning after the cat, one to ridding of random junk, one to mopping/vacuuming, etc... Most importantly, get the kids/husband to pick up after themselves so there is not random junk all over the place to begin with.
Absolutely do not close your shop.. you are a living, breathing, feeling person that deserves a life separate of taking complete care of the home/family.. not some sort of amazing robotic super-maid.
You need to get your family in gear, and give them some tough love. I haven't commented, but I have read your threads on your daughter-about the home schooling issue, and the gym class issue. So...I am just going to give you my advice on all three, because I think that they are related.
You have been debating home schooling your daughter because she is having problems with other kids at school, and you are upset about HER being upset about gym class, and being embarassed in front of other kids and wanting to take care of it for her...and now you are thinking about closing YOUR shop, and YOUR dream, because the kids and hubby don't want to pull their weight around the house.
GET TOUGH!
I am going to tell you a little story. There is a HUGE difference between me, and my MIL. She tends to do things a little bit more like you do...and right now, she has my adult SIL living with her (who pays no rent, does no cleaning, does no laundry, etc.) and also my SIL's toddler. My other SIL and her now husband lived with them for 3 years, up until last year. She did EVERYTHING for these people, and worked. Will I ever do this? Heck no.
You have to get tough. I know that you love your daughter, but you cannot fix everything for her and make it better. She is going to have issues with kids at school, there are days where she is going to feel unpopular/fat/ugly/depressed-but you cannot always come in and save the day. She needs to learn to do this for herself. Chores go right along the same line. There is no reason that this child cannot do chores. She is not doing homework for 8 hours a night. She has time.
My older two kids are 9 and 7, and they have chores. They are small because of their age, but they have them. They must make their own beds, and they must bring down the bathroom trash cans and empty them into the large, downstairs trash can each day. They must straighten their own rooms each day. If they eat/drink something, then they mus put their trash in the trash can, and must put their dirty dishes in the sink.
If you keep doing everything for them, then how are they going to manage as adults on their own? Their boss or landlord isn't going to treat them like you do...they must learn responsibility, and how to handle their own problems, NOW. Childhood is childhood, but as mothers, it is also our job to teach them responsibility and problem solving skills, so they are functioning adults in society.
Have a meeting, and then give them their weekly chore list and rules. Rule #1 should be, "If you are able enough to get it out, then you are able enough to put it away when you are through." There is simply no excuse for someone to leave Capri-Sun wrappers everywhere. No excuse.
Does your daughter get allowance? If she does, change the rules. To get paid, she must work for it. She must do her chores list each week. If she doesn't get allowance, offer her one-just like a payday each week-but she has to do her chores list to receive it. Just like if she were working, if she doesn't show up and do her job, she doesn't get paid.
It's very simple. You just have to be the bad guy for a little while for their own good. A lot of parents want their kids to like them, and they want to be their kids best friend all of the time. I remember a quote from Frank Barone on the show Everybody Loves Raymond. He said that if your kid hates you, then you are doing your job.
Sometimes, they just have to get mad at you. You have to put your foot down.
As far as time goes, give your daughter her chores list, and have it separated into daily, and weekly chores. Her daily chores list might be something like:
~cleaning the litter box
~cleaning up all food/drink messes that you made yourself when you are through with them
~washing the dishes
and her weekly might have things on it like:
~running the vacuum cleaner through the entire house
~windexing the bathroom mirrors/television screen
It doesn't always have to be some big, big thing...but even just a few things each week that you don't have to do, will help you out. You just have to get tough, and make them do it. Explain to them that you are a wife, not a maid, and that you were not even around to MAKE the mess left on the table...therefore there is no reason for you to be the one to clean it up.
Get tough. It is going to be the hardest for the first couple of days, but after that, it will get easier. They are going to test you for the first week or so, to see if you "mean it" so stay tough.
BTW-
I am a working mother, and I have three kids-ages 9, 7, and 1 1/2.
Don't give up your dream--even for the sake of your kids.
Have DD come to work after school. Pay her a small "allowance" for helping a bit when she's done with her homework (she can sweep up the hair, chat with the customers who are waiting, etc.). If you have room, set up an area where she can do her homework there--and then she'll be close if she has questions.
Have your kids do some chores. There is nothing wrong with making them clean their room weekly (dust and vacuum included) and clean the bathroom. You can alternate having them clean the kitchen and/or living and dining rooms. Or you can hire it out (I pay $120 every other week to have my house cleaned and I have a huge house in a pricey area). That leaves me time to spend doing the things I want to do. Sure I have to do a little "refreshing" here and there between cleanings, but nothing major (and I have two dogs). Basically, I clean off all my kitchen surfaces every day before I start cooking and I clean up shedded hair about every other day. The bathroom gets a good rinsing a few times a week and I pick up clutter in the morning before I head off to work. The kids are in charge of picking up their rooms as needed--especially before the cleaners come.
I agree with everyone else that you should set up a chore schedule for your whole family. They all live there, right? Especially your husband. I will never understand why women take the full burden of housework on themselves when both partners work full-time. It makes absolutely no sense to me. And whatever you do, do NOT call it "helping around the house" when your husband does housework. He's not helping any more than YOU are "helping" when you do it -- he's just fulfilling his responsibility as an adult with a home!!!
Sorry, that's just one of my pet peeves! The only thing worse is when a father claims to be "babysitting" when he's home alone with his kids! That's PARENTING!
How do working moms do it?
)
. Even from an early age - I had very clear chore - but it started pretty small when I was young. I remember when my job was mating all the socks and rolling them into balls. As I got older, I got to fold towels, and then fold all the laundry, and then put all the folded laundry away. I always always had to clean the cat box every morning - that was non negotiable!
