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Devestated & need advice

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Old 03-05-2008, 09:21 PM   #1
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Default Devestated & need advice

I've been with several men however I have finally found "the one". I know he is my future husband I love him. He treats me like gold. We are both Canadian and living in British Columbia however he is originally from Quebec and is French. Today he decided that he wants to move back. He has asked me to go with him.

- Be with him, very low housing costs (we can purchase a 4 bedroom home for $300,000 as opposed to $800,000 in Vancouver), I would be able to be a stay-at-home mom with living costs (not pregnant yet but we are heading in that direction). I would have the opportunity to attend school while he is working.

- Would have to quit my government job (pays well but I can't do shift work (7pm-7am) forever), my family would stay behind. I would miss some of my girlfriends however we are all at the age where marriage and children are becoming the focus. And most of all - I don't speak French. At all. I would be unable to obtain a government job and especially not be able to do the same job I do now. I'm a 911 operator. I would need perfect language skills. However, I am already tired of this work. But my university schoolwork is all geared towards psychology/social services courses which are all government jobs.

I'm willing to learn the language however I think it would take me at least 2 years before any sort of competency. I would not have to work during this time.

I don't know what to do. My gut is telling me to go anyways, and if it doesn't, work, then I go home. He would most likely stay. And that would be the end of it.

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Old 03-05-2008, 10:19 PM   #2
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Sacha like you said your gut is telling you to go and if it doesn't work out you can come home.

If you don't go you may regret it.

Good luck. I hope it all works out.
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Old 03-05-2008, 11:14 PM   #3
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As someone who has been married for 26 years, I'd say if you found the 1 then go for it all the rest will workout. Especially since your working isn't going to be an immediate issue take the leap of faith. My older brother was 56 and 4 years from retiring and he was give a promotion but he needed to move from Wisconsin - Texas, he took the move with the plan to go back to Wisconsin when he retired. Needless to say in the 4 years they (wife) were there their lives took some suprising turns and they are now retired there. So you'll never know unless you take the chance. Like the person before me I'd say if you don't go you'll always wonder.

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Old 03-05-2008, 11:21 PM   #4
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Sacha i would say go with your heart if you love him then things will all work out. many times we have planes for our lives thinking that they are really what we want to do. sometimes we get too focused on them that we let life pass us by. good luck too you in what ever you choose

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Old 03-06-2008, 03:01 AM   #5
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I guess if he is the one you got to listen to your heart. If you got pregnant, stayed at home and learned French at the same time, well that's 2 years already
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Old 03-06-2008, 03:51 AM   #6
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As the others have said, I would go with your instincts.

After all, when you are old and gray do you really want the regret of not taking the chance? Of letting "the one" get away for trivial things like a job and learning a new language?

Go for it: life is too short to let things like true love pass you by.
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Old 03-06-2008, 08:20 AM   #7
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It's a tough one, but I'm going to say the opposite of the other posters. You might as well be moving to the moon. The only friend you'll have for awhile is your boyfriend, and it can be pretty lonely that way. Not knowing the language is going to be a huge barrier. Not having your own money is going to be a huge barrier.

How about---he goes, and you visit him on vacation in awhile when he gets settled? Stay for two weeks. See what it would be like living there day to day, while he goes off to work. Try going shopping and see what that's like. Try going to the library. Stuff like that. Imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and unable to talk to anyone, essentially confined to your house.

I once left a very good job to be with someone on the other side of the country, and while I don't regret the decision, it was really, really hard--hard in ways that I never expected. I do wish that I had had more time to really try things out before I made the decision, quit my job, and moved.

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Old 03-06-2008, 08:41 AM   #8
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I'm gonna agree with Jay on this one. This doesn't need to be All or Nothing if you don't make it into that. There's no reason why you can't test out your time while you're there visiting.

But, I just wanted to point out that if you were immersed in French you'd probably understand it a lot sooner than 2 years. Most people say 2-3 months for a basic understanding. You might not be able to get a job with it, but you'd be able to properly get around town
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Old 03-06-2008, 09:20 AM   #9
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My cousin just married a lovely lovely girl from Kyrgyzstan. As part of her student visa and scholarship, she must return to her country for 3 years.

He is a university administrator and has spent the past few months learning Russian and Kyrgyz to perform the same sort of job there.

My point is, if he can pick up a language that is very different from English, French immersion shouldn't be too difficult. The language is very similar to English.

Like Faerie said, it only takes a few months to be competent, especially if you have him helping you now.

Shoot, I have both Creole patois (which is a smattering of several languages really) and formal French if you ever want to try out your writing skills.
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Old 03-06-2008, 09:28 AM   #10
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Also, if you want to get a head start there are some at home learning programs like that Rosetta Stone (a little expensive i think, though) that might give you a good stepping stone. Hey, learning French might be useful for other reasons even if you don't live in a predominently French-speaking area.
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Old 03-06-2008, 09:51 AM   #11
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Why did he decide to move back to France?
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Old 03-06-2008, 10:17 AM   #12
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My suggestion would be to very careful with this decision. I definitely would not say "if you love him then all will work out". You will be very isolated in Quebec. Don't forget that you are moving to a province where people are often unwilling to communicate to anyone speaking English (even if they can understand). The linguistic barrier will be substantial, and for a long time.
You said if things don't work out, you can always return back to B.C. - but where will you live? Do you own your house/apartment right now or are you a renter? If you are renting, that would make it easier.
Go there for a long vacation to see how you would feel about moving there permanently. It takes a long time to master a language to be completely fluent (believe me, I know what I am talking about, I have a degree in linguistics).
So I would say don't rush the decision, consider everything carefully, make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you decide to go for it.
Good luck with your decision.
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Old 03-06-2008, 11:01 AM   #13
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I am going to second Tomato's note of caution. You say that "today he decided to move back and asked you to go with him". Today? All the sudden? And if he is truly your life partner, perhaps he could have discussed the move with you and asked if you might be interested, willing, rather than telling you that this is the way it is and you can come along for the ride if you want? I don't know the tone that your BF said this to you in, but it raises alarm bells to me. I would try and sit down to discuss it with him, rather than just agree/disagree.

My parents have been mostly happily married for almost 29 years. But at the start of the marriage, they started making moves for my dad's career, and my mom's came second, or she would just find whatever job she could when they moved. As a result she has never felt she has a true career, and has had some job dissatisfaction. As I said they are happy and very much in love, but I my mom has always raised my sis & I to be independent and do what makes us happy in our careers. I suspect her early moves for my dad's career set a precedent in the marriage of who makes the big decisions, and she may have some niggling regrets.

If you are "headed in the direction" of having kids, as you say, I think you should be at the point where you are discussing big life moves. Have you talked this all out with your partner - having kids, being a stay-at-home mom, etc, in reality rather than just theoretical? You say that if the relationship doesn't work out you will just return home and he will stay. If you have kids together, it isn't that easy.

I really do hope you find happiness. I would just be a bit cautious before you dive in.
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Old 03-06-2008, 11:30 AM   #14
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I would agree with going cautiously...

Making a decision to move is a big decision and should be a joint decision if you are truly partners. Yes you will be isolated not only by the language but also because it is a new area for you.

I do like the idea that maybe he moves and you come visit and see if it is truly for you. I went to visit Montreal and thought it was a beautiful city but even there, not everyone spoke english (or wanted to speak english). If you are in the country or in a smaller city, it would probably be worse.
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Old 03-06-2008, 11:32 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Hat Trick View Post
Why did he decide to move back to France?
Quebec is in Canada.
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