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Unmotivated Spouse

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Old 12-17-2007, 10:15 AM   #1
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Okay, so here's the issue I have. I know other people can relate. I have a spouse that has no motivation, even after being told to lose weight by a DR. I personally need to lose 60 pounds. My problem has been that if he wants to sit around on his bumm, then I do the same thing. I'm not trying to motivate him, because you can't make someone do what they don't want to. I'm more trying to motivate myself. I don't know why his lack of get-up and go influences me so much.
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Old 12-17-2007, 10:33 AM   #2
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Honestly,

You just need to do what you need to do. In the evening, my husband will be playing a game on the computer or doing work and I'll say "Ok I'm going to go exercise" and I do. I go down to the basement and do my exercises. I get up early every morning to walk as well while my husband is still sleeping. It does take practice but once you start, I think it'll be easy to do.
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Old 12-17-2007, 11:08 AM   #3
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Nelie's completely right!

My husband is not overweight, but he is a real couch-potato. I mean, he could go professional. I do the cooking, so as long as he eats my food, his meals are healthy, but he lives for his fast food opportunites, likes to eat chips while watching TV (which he does all evening, every evening), and gets ridiculously little exercise.

But what can I do about it? Nothing, that's what. I just have to do my thing, and I can feel good knowing that I am healthy and fit. He's a big boy, and he may pay for his lifestyle eventually, but that's his call to make, not mine.

Don't worry, once you "break free" and get into the habit of going out for a walk (or whatever) while he holds down the couch, it will become a lot easier, 2nd nature, in fact. After a few weeks, I doubt you'll even think twice about it, and you will be feeling so much better that you'll actually prefer it.
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Old 12-17-2007, 11:38 AM   #4
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I had very much the same problem with my husband. When we married, we both were very fat, but my diet was balanced with very little junk food (yes, it's possible to get very fat on healthy food), and my husband was very physically active (his idea of a day at the gym, was 1 hour of weights, 1 hour of walking, and 1/2 hour "cool down" in the pool, and 1/2 hour in the sauna - I would have to take a book along). Married life was a bad influence on us both. He exercised less, and I ate more junk.


We joined Weight Watcher's together several times, but he made it very clear that he was going to "support me," not because he wanted to change any of his habits (never mind that he is heavier than I am, and needs to lose almost as much weight). I would try to ignore his lack of motivation, but over time, I would let it influence me.

He fell on the ice last february and tore his rotator cuff very badly and either the injury or the inactivity of recuperation worsened a degenerative joint condition (He had his first surgery, when he was 16, before he became overweight and his doctor predicted full disability by age 30 - he made it to 36, even severely overweight and working a very strenuous job - but his pain tolerence is scary).

Long story short (or at least not much longer) we joined TOPS together in August, and I expected it to be very much the same as always, but it's been different for us both. Firstly, it's too cheap for him to complain about ($36 for us both to join, and $6 a month - $3 each, plus options to win small amounts of money). Secondly, he's more competitive than he likes to think and it I guess I am too. I'm not really competing with him, because men can lose so much more than women in most cases, but our chapter runs all these little contests and in addition you can get free dues (or a charm) every time you lose 10 lbs or 3 weeks consecutive weeks in a month. Hubby is very proud that he has not had to pay dues since September.

Because we both took to TOPS, we were lucky. Not that there aren't plenty of times we each can use the other as an excuse if we choose to. Still, it's harder for me to say what would have happened if my husband hadn't come on board as well as he has. I know it would have been harder, but doable, I think, especially with the supportive, yet a little competitive atmosphere of the TOPS group. I have always done better with a weekly accountable weigh-in. Knowing that someone else is going to know whether I've gained or lost really helps me avoid "just this once," or "I'll start tomorrow" thinking.
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:38 PM   #5
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When I met my husband I had been doing a good job of changing my habits for the better. That came to a screeching halt and I became more sedentary and ate more junk than ever before... we both gained and gained...

I kept wanting to do something about it, but my husband didn't. I tried to get him to do something with me, but he wouldn't. I used him as an excuse for why I couldn't make better food and exercise choices.

Finally, when I was ready, I had to move forward without him. Those first few months were tough. Here I was watching portions and him wanting to eat out all the time and stuffing his face with his "super popcorn" at night. After a few months, as I was dropping weight and enjoying my own food choices, he was finally ready to join me. But I told him "no. Don't do this until you're really ready." It was another month or so before he came onboard and things got SO MUCH easier!

I still have to be careful not to use him as an excuse. Just because he isn't going to the gym on a particular day doesn't mean I can't, for instance.

You're right, you can't make anyone change. but you CAN change and you never know what he will do...
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:11 PM   #6
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I agree with what the others have said, you just need to disregard his behavior and make it YOUR priority to exercise. My DH likes to imply that it's my fault he's gained weight since we got married (well, he always says "I've gained 20 pounds since we've gotten married"). I really don't like the implication that it's my fault. He's taken on too many responsibilities in his life and he's stretched too thin, it's not my fault he can't make time in his schedule to workout. We both have gym memberships (to different gyms, so it's not like we'd ever work out together), and it's up to each of us as individuals to use those memberships.

So, I suggest you just do it. Maybe you setting the example with be enough to get him going!
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:49 PM   #7
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Thankfully my husband really likes the healthier eating that we've been doing (although we sometimes enjoy a non-diet meal). It's the exercising that bugs me. After 4 months of running, I finally got him to join me...for 4 days....and then he hurt his knee. The doctor told him to rest until it heal (it has) and then build up his thigh muscles before he runs again. The doctor gave him exercises to do. Will he do them? No. I want to join a gym but don't really want to go alone. Will he join with me? No. I'm getting to the point where I might just go and buy a family membership and then if he decides to go, fine. If not, I'll go alone or get DD to go with me.
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Old 12-17-2007, 02:10 PM   #8
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Oh my husband is the epitomy of lazy! But he is not overweight..But after I met him I gained 50 lbs! About 2 years ago I finally said enough is enough..he might not gain any weight from this lifestyle but I sure am.. So I drug myself up and exercised..And at first he was very critical of my new eating habits and exercise routine but he got use to it.. He still does nothing but I don't let it bother me anymore..I don't let what he eats bother me either..I do the grocery shopping afterall..I get him things for junk food that he likes that I don't..pretty good system actually.. I can't be accountable for his life..I can only be accountable for my own..He has to want to change his ways to eat healthier..I can't make him!
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