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Not sure what to do re: boyfriend's comment

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Old 11-30-2007, 08:24 AM   #1
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Default Not sure what to do re: boyfriend's comment

I'm kind of a lurker here on this site and I know there have been threads before on this subject but I'm not sure what to do.

My (live-in) boyfriend of 1.5 years has been going out pretty much every night without me, and has been kind of quiet and weird. For a couple of weeks now I thought that something was wrong and he'd been seeing someone else or was just not interested in me anymore. I'm pretty direct, and tonight I just asked him point blank what was going on. He was kind of drunk and he ended up telling me that he's just not attracted to me.

Now, here's the thing. I've lost weight in the past, but I'm the same weight now as I was when he met me. He said that he thinks it's really shallow and that I'm beautiful and perfect in ever other way and that he wants to be with me and he's sorry he said it, etc., but that "I guess it's just important to me. I thought when we met that it wouldn't matter, but it does and sometimes I'm tempted by other people."

I asked him why he even wanted to be with me if he knew this when he met me, and he said that I seemed so motivated to lose weight.

I can't say that I kept my cool, but the crappy thing is that I get where he's coming from in some ways. If you're not attracted to someone you just aren't. On the other hand, I feel so cheated. My eating for the past few months has been pretty stable and I just started a new workout program with my brother that I was feeling pretty good about.

I've lost weight without gaining it back for years and years, but I'm so tempted to just say screw it and do something drastic. I really can't believe how much it hurt to hear him say that, and I know he's been around all of these pretty, thin girls recently (who hit on him constantly, even when I'm there).

I've heard so many stories of people who lost weight the unhealthy way and gain it all back later plus some. I don't want to be 40 or 50 and still struggling with this. I really want to do this the right way.

I've just been working at it for so long now. I feel like it doesn't really matter how hard I've tried. I'm still not good enough, so it's still not worth it. I'm so discouraged

So now what? Even if I lose weight the healthy way and give myself a good talking to daily about doing it for me, there's still a part of me that will be doing it out of spite just to show him. And I really do love him. This is just messing with my head so bad.

Help?
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:31 AM   #2
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P.S. Sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum. Feel free to move it if that's the case!
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:39 AM   #3
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Ouch... *sigh*... This is difficult. And everyone is going to have their own opinion, but, well I've always been a rather large woman, and for ME if someone could not find me attractive at any size (and only started dating me because I was "losing weight") well that'd be the end "GOODBYE to you, sir, may you find the girl you're looking for. Good day."

Now, this isn't to say that one should date people who aren't attractive to them, but that if they can't find you attractive at your highest weight, then why are they there wasting your time?


About your health. You have to be doing this for you. There is no other way to keep it off in the long-run. What would happen if you only lost weight for your boyfriend and then he left you anyways? Yes, losing weight in unhealthy ways is just that... UNHEALTHY. I believe that most people here are really looking to be healthy... not just "thin". (Although thin is a nice side-effect!)


Now I truly I can't tell you what to do about the boyfriend... that comes down to your self-respect and forgiveness level. Really, will you be able to look past this comment several years from now, even if you don't lose all the weight that you want to? You may need a few days or so to stop and really think about this...without your boyfriend around.

But your worth as a human being is NEVER determined by your weight or what you look like. You have to believe that. If you don't... well then others wont....

I wish you the best May you find the answers you're looking for, and choose the right option for you!
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:56 AM   #4
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You are doing really great on your weight loss and should be congratulated on that, I hope you are doing it to improve your health and looking better and wearing smaIler sizes is a bonus. I hate to tell you but your boyfriend sounds pretty shallow, to me.I know that hurts to hear when you love him, but I am afraid it is true.He is showing all the signs of not really caring for you that much.A person who loves you will love you no matter what you look like, but will want you to be healthy.By the way, these guys who prefer the skinny chicks and make nasty remarks about those with weight problems, these guys usually end up with a beer belly and looking pretty unattractive themselves. Keep up the good work and don't do anything drastic about losing weight. Good luck.
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:12 AM   #5
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I have gained close to 100 lbs since I met my husband. I tend to agree that if you aren't attracted to someone, it's just not there. I know my husband loves me (we've been married 10 years and have two awesome kids), but I can also tell you if he had met me at this weight he wouldn't have looked twice at me. There are people you are attracted to and people you aren't, that's human nature. But, if your boyfriend met you looking exactly the same as you are now -- obviously his mentality has changed. (I also remember when I was younger and dating I would be "in love" with a guy and all of a sudden one day it just wasn't there any more.)

Most importantly -- lose weight for you -- guys come and go, you have to be happy with yourself and the rest will fall into place. I think he was looking for a way out and it does sound like he cares about you, but the feelings just aren't there. The only decision now is how much time do you want to waste trying to work it out or are you ready to move on and continue your search for prince charming.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:22 AM   #6
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here's my $0.02.... lose weight for no one but yourself. If you lose weight for your bf...when you finally reach goal..there maybe something else that he find unattractive about you. And even if not...do you really want to be with some one who finds you unattractive???? Come on now...And I personally think you need to start looking carefully at yourself and realizing your beautiful. I can't believe he is that shallow. You should be with someone who loves you no matter your weight. My Dh always comments on how beutiful and sexy i am...even when i don't always feel it. He loved me at 190 and will continue to love me no matter what. He is supporting me in my weight loss but no MAKING me loose the weight. He tells me he's happy with me where i am...but knows that i want to loose the weight so he helps encourage me. I think you need to find someone who is accepting of you for you!!!!!!!!!!! I think your bf was nice to at least be honest with you..but now you need to wake up and move on with your life. I would never want to be with someone who didn't love me no matter what. I think you need to find there are people out there that don't mind a little weight. I also think you need to start living your life and loosing weight for you...to be healthy and happy..not just thin fpr the bf. So its time to start taking a hard look at your life. There's no reason to be with someone just if they aren't attracted to you. There are plenty of guys out there that would find you attractive. I hope you figure out what you need...and please realize that loosing weight must be for you and you only. If you lose weight for someone else...it will never work. You might be suprised to find an unbelievably awesome guy as soon as you loose your current bf. Good luck
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:42 AM   #7
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Hey Jennifer, I'm going to move your thread over to General Chatter because the topic seems more broad.

As for this situation... People can't "decide" to be attracted to someone they aren't attracted to--or so it seems. If that's the case with your bf, it's just as well to find out now.

I agree with the others--you cannot lose weight for other people's approval. That is just, well, a complete gamble. So if you have been losing weight so that somebody or another will think you're "good enough"--well, it's kind of a setup for failing.

Lose weight to be healthy, to feel better, to enjoy life more. Someone who likes herself or himself is much more attractive than is someone who is looking for another person's approval.

Don't let this sad thing throw you off the rails. Change what needs to be changed and get on with your life!

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Old 11-30-2007, 09:43 AM   #8
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It sounds to me like he is making excuses for his behavior....and if he knows you are sensitive about your weight, that is a pretty good excuse. If he is cheating, he would cheat regardless of your weight. I think this situation says a lot more about him than it does about you.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now.
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:11 AM   #9
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Aww, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No advice here, just want to give you a hug.
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:28 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoyfulVegGirl View Post
I've just been working at it for so long now. I feel like it doesn't really matter how hard I've tried. I'm still not good enough, so it's still not worth it. I'm so discouraged
Help?
You may not be good enough for him....maybe you're better! You can't base your idea of yourself on what someone else tells you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he said the one thing that would hurt you the most, just to get out of the relationship. What would happen if you got married and got pregnant? You are working so hard and making such progress....don't let someone else judge your worth. We are all here for you....lean on us.:h ug:
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:34 AM   #11
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GUYS...grrrrr......well honey...words can be HATEFUL.....and you should never try to change ANYTHING about your body or who you are.....unless you are truely not happy....and in that case it should be about you...not anyone else....you have came a LONG way....and weight loss does take time!! I lost 80 lbs in 5 and a half months.....doing it the WRONG way....and im back again because i couldnt keep it off.....you deffinatly do not want to do it the wrong way...as far as your boyfriend....i know its hard to end a relationship....especially ones over a year....you get scared....because you dont know what to do after the break up.....what will your plans be....who do you have to come home too....basically because the past 1.5 years of your relationship youve based everyday to his plans...and what he's doing......breaking up is a fear of not knowing what to do.....but hunny if he said he's not attracted to you because of your weight.....what makes you think he's gonna be there for you if you were to be pregnant??? you dont need him to bring you down!!! God makes one person for everyone...and he obviously is not your match...im sure hes really good looking and that is security for you.....but sometimes its just not worth it to hang on....and it sounds to be....he is NOT worth it.....you need a positive mate...someone to love you regardless.....and someone who is going to push you to strive for more....and this loser sounds like the complete oppisite.......besides why settle for the dollar store when you've shopped Gucci for so long?!?! lol leave the dollar store shopping for him...because thats all he is going to be!!!! sorry if that was too blunt!! but i believe your better than that!!!
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:40 AM   #12
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You have gotten such great advice here. I really do agree with midwife, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, and that has nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's trying to make things easier on himself by having you leave him so he can move on.

But I also wanted to say, if you really want to lose weight just to be with him, think those thoughts all the way through in your mind. Once you lose the weight because he doesn't like you the way you are, then what? If you decide to have a baby with him and you gain weight, then what? If he cheats on you at your perfect weight, then what?

When you love someone it can take some time to move on. But no matter what, keep your eyes open and make your choice to stay or go being fully aware of the situation. This man told you he's not attracted to you. Based on that information, will you stay or go? And be ok with either choice YOU make. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind later, but it would be YOUR choice in the moment you decide.
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:49 AM   #13
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I haven't posted anywhere in a while but have continued to lurk and this is a topic that really hit home. In the reverse situation, my BF of 3yrs and I just had this conversation but in reverse roles. I still am very much in love with him, but I am just not attracted to him anymore because of his weight gain. We've both been doing the weight rollercoaster together and I've gotten in control and he hasn't been that committed. Telling him I had lost the attraction gave him that much more motivation to be succesful now. I don't want to be so in love with someone who is jeapordizing their health. I don't want to marry someone who will die young because he is overweight. It's hard to say that you're not attracted to someone but still in love with them. You have to decide if this is something you can work through, is this really the person you love FOREVER, or if he was trying to weasel out of a break up or if he really wants to make your relationship work. You need to have a SOBER conversation about where your relationship is going and what his concerns really are. If he's worried about your health, it's valid. If he's still in love with you, it's valid. This can be a journey you take together. But if he just wants a babe with a banging bod, he'ld be better off with the skanky bar flies who hit on him. Hope this helps.
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:54 AM   #14
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My $.02: dump him. Life's too short to waste time on a BF who puts conditions on his love for you.
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Old 11-30-2007, 11:23 AM   #15
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I agree, get rid of him.

I would have never dated someone thinking "maybe you will be more attractive to me later on". In my opinion, that is not love, it sounds like loneliness and wanting to be with someone rather than attraction.

I am sorry this has happened to you but what happens if you do lose weight and in 2 years, he says something else like "I don't like your hair" or "you are too short" or something?

It is unfair to you that he has been shopping around while still dating/living with you. So what was he hoping would happen? He would find someone else and then get rid of you? I say get rid of him first.
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