[kaplods]

I've been obese most of my life, and I think that makes a real difference in how I view myself and others. I had a choice of looking at myself as a disgusting piece of worthless humanity, or taking pride in my strengths and accomplishments, even if they were different from those of the "pretty girls."
Maybe if I wasn't very intelligent and very social, and my parents hadn't stressed that I was good and special (even as they tried to help me lose weight) I would have felt differently.

If a person has never had a long-term weight problem, I can understand waiting until they have the body they want, before dating. However, for people who experience it as a life long (or decade long) struggle, I think there's no good reason for putting your life on hold. I think it only makes the situation worse.

I do think it's important to have worked on your self-esteem before looking for love and attention from someone else. If you don't like who you are, you will attract people who need a partner with low self-esteem. Most people who need a self-hater as a partner, do it because they can't attract better, or need fo feel better about themselves at someone else's expense.

The biggest struggle I had dating, was finding a partner who could accept weight fluctuation. Many people, especially it seems men, do have a physical "type," and there may not be alot they can do about it. For a while I didn't date, because I didn't want to fall in love with someone who couldn't accept that I wanted to be a smaller person. I read the BBW and standard personals, but while I saw ads from and looking for fat and thin people, I never saw ads from people who were trying to lose weight. Finally, I decided that if I wanted a person who would accept me at any size, I had to "advertise." I wrote a personal ad, and included my stats (even my weight), and that I was currently dieting and looking for someone who was in my same situation or sympathetic to it. Wow, I didn't expect the number of responses (it was a personal ad linked to both the local newspaper and the newspaper's website). On the website, I included a 3/4 photo (I had a "glamour" shot taken at Sears). And men responded by email or phone.

The first to reply were the scary guys though. One guy was an over the road trucker who only wanted a booty call. One was a guy in his late 60's admittedly with no teeth and a shady past. One was a 19 year old college boy. The otr trucker actually replied twice about a month apart, the second time whining that I hadn't answered his reply.

Then the normal guys responded. I talked with a few, went on a lunch date with one guy. Boy was he cute! He looked like a tall, older california surfer (very tall, very blond, and very muscular). I suppose he was technically a little overweight, but I would say that 85% of thin women would have found him very attractive. He admitted to being ten years older than he had originally said. He sounded nice, but some of the things he said about himself seemed too good to be true (one of these guys who brags about seeing and doing it all). Luckily the guy that sat next to me at work, and was a good friend, happened to live in the same small town as the blonde guy, so I asked him if he knew the guy. Turns out he did, and the only true thing he had told me was that he did have his pilot's license. Also, the guy was not ten years older than he had originally stated, he was twenty years older (I never would have guessed, he was gorgeous). But I don't date liars, so he was kicked to the curb.

About a week later, I responded to the phone reply by the guy that would be my husband. My husband was not what I expected at all. I've never been all that attracted to the "bad boy." type, though I did find his biker-viking look kind of sexy. I just never would have expected from his photo that he and I would have had anything in common. If I hadn't talked to him on the phone (for 3 hours each evening) for a week before seeing his photo, I probably would never have agreed to meet him. Our dates were kind of duds too. He was really shy in person, so we'd go to dinner or to a movie and just sit and not have much to say, then we'd get home and one of us would call (yep right after the date) and THEN we'd talk for three hours. Or we'd send chapter length emails. Finally our in-person personalities started to match our email/phone personalities.

I think in some ways, we're exact opposites, but almost in a two-sides of the same coin sort of way. My husband loves looking and seeming unconventional, but it's all in trivial matters. When it comes to core values, he is so very traditional and almost uptight. I look very conventional (almost boring), but am much more creative, unconventional and liberal-minded. We still can spend hours and hours discussing and debating just about anything.

I was happy single, and even dateless. I liked being single, I liked being alone (in fact, I pretty much still prefer to be alone a lot more than my husband does), but I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. If I had decided not to date until I was thin, or if I hadn't given him a chance because of his appearance, I would have completely missed out on a true soulmate.

[makinthechange]

you guys are a real inspiration to me. Im 25 years old and never had a boyfriend. I used to have a horrible self esteem problem...it used to affect my whole life. I hated to look in the mirror, I hated who I was..I thought that it was a horrible joke on me to make me so ugly, when so many girls are pretty. I was a sad sad person.

NOW im better, I love myself. I think Im an amazing person, Im funny..I am kind and compassionate and I think I have a pretty face(the old me would NEVER have said that) my only problem is finding someone that will see in me what I see in myself. I dont dwell on dating all the time, but its hard to realize that Ive never been on a date..its hard not to think there is something wrong with you..I know realistically there probably isnt, but it is hard when you havent found anyone who thinks your special(besides family lol) so i havent been through those big life events that other people my age have. Never gotten picked up for a date, never held anyones hand, never been kissed...sigh..

I sound sad lol but most of the time Im ok, I have a full life..I dont NEED a man...but I do get lonely, and I do think that it is my size that is causing the problem. Im not being hard on myself when I say that, but it is a reality in my life..Ive tried dating sites, but when I send them my picture, they stop talking to me..may be coincedence, but its a big coiencedence that someone doesnt talk to me after I put up a pic lol

Im young, I dont need to be married, but I should be dating.

[Smiling_Sara]

This is actually a very sensitive subject with me. All my life I've been known as the great friend, all the while guys telling me stuff like I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend, bc you're great, etc. I always end up falling for guys that live far away, and I see it as kind of a defense mechinisim in two ways. I don't know why, but I feel like if I can't stand to look at my body, how am I sopose to think someone else can, and 2nd, I feel like I've been hurt in the past, I don't know how much more my heart can stand. I had some dates and stuff in HS, but after, I just went into this shell. I don't go out with friends to places where guys might approch me, I stay home and mess around on internet sights ( mainly sports ) and thus finding guys in difft states. Last year, my sister set me up with someone she knows, we had a dbl date with him and then my sister and her fiance, it was so awkward I can't even describe it, needless to say, I never heard from him again. I About 2 yrs ago, I actually got up enough nerve to meet someone from online, but we had talked for months via phone, the internet and snail mail before meeting. Since then I've had two interests, but again, they live in difft states. It's pretty pathetic how incredibly shy I am with meeting a guy who might become something more.

I actually have signed up on a dating site, and got a few responses, but one guy who wanted my number and stuff, I ended up telling him I wasn't over someone else and didn't see it fair to him. And as of last week, a real hottie sent me a mesg that he was new to the area, and thought I was beautiful, wanted to know if I could show him around. I have yet to get back to him, I just don't know how to handle it.

[NightengaleShane]

BornToFly, WRITE the HOTTIE BACK! NOW! What are you waiting for? a HOT guy wants to talk to you the least you can do is say hello and swap some sort of contact info

[kaplods]

The thing is BornToFly, no one "knows" how to handle dating situations, they just muddle through. The thin, cute girls may get more experience, earlier but they start out just as clueless as everyone else. They also face rejection and are just as hurt by it.

I guess I always assumed thing girls had it easy until my two much younger, thin and pretty sisters started dating. Especially with my middle sister who is a bit shy, I realized that the fear of rejection and not knowing what to do is certainly not unique to fat girls.

For me what finally made it easier, was looking at rejection as a positive aspect of dating. Without it, everyone would be stuck with the first person they ever dated, whether they were a good match or not. I suggested this to my sister and it's helped her too. Make lists of the things you require, would like, and will not tolerate in a boyfriend. Know that you will reject anyone who doesn't meet your qualifications. Concentrating on your standards make it a lot easier to accept and understand that when you don't meet someone else's standards it doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with either one of you, There are tons of reasons that you might not match up, and your weight isn't even going to be at the top of some guy's lists. It doesn't completely take the sting out of rejection, but there is no way to avoid all of the risks in life, and you wouldn't want to.