I have been dating and seeing a guy for about a couple a weeks, and recently he’s expressed his feelings for me, and asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy when he asked me, but now I keep brushing the question away and never gave him a real answer. I really like him and would love to be with him, but I’m scared. I’m scared that if we ever get intimate he would see my sagging skin, stretch marks, cellulite, and my fat. He has explained to me that he loves my body, but he’s only seen my body with clothes on. We’ve got a little intimate but nothing over the top yet. I have never really got into anything too serious with men with this new body, so I’m terrified now. I want to tell him, but he’s young, attractive, and is in shape. I also don’t think he wants to deal with me and my insecurities. What should I do ladies? I tried avoiding him but I always end up going back to him. Ladies please help me?I don’t know what else to do. I’m also afraid of rejection. I’m afraid he will not feel the same way about me when he sees me naked or when I tell him the truth.
Btw this guy is awesome and treats me like a queen, I'ts been a while since I felt this happy about a guy, but I' afriad to take that step with him because of my insecurities.
Last edited by motivation86 : 09-26-2007 at 07:13 PM.
Chances are he as a fairly good idea of what you look like without clothes and he likes you anyways. Men are so much more forgiving about our perceived flaws than we are. Give yourself a break and enjoy yourself (and him)
You say that you don't think he wants to deal with you and your insecurities but he has asked YOU, as you are, today, to be his girlfriend, so I say, be honest with yourself, with him and go from there!
Are you sure it isn't a fear of intimacy that is keeping you from letting him in? He sounds like an accepting guy. Let him love you if he wants to and you want to be loved by him too!
"I do feel that spiritual progress does demand at some stage that we should cease to kill our fellow creatures for the satisfaction of our bodily wants." -Gandhi
I'd say take things slowly. If someone really cares about you your size will not matter to them. Sounds like this guy already cares about you exactly how you are so that give him a gold star in my book!
When I first met my husband I kept thinking things like my big belly and saggy breasts would turn him off. Funny thing is he always told me I was beautiful and I finally realized he wasn't just being nice he really meant it!
Guess what? After a few years of marriage I know that along with me he's gained weight too but when you love someone you don't see them "that way".
I think you should give him a chance just do things at your pace and when you are comfortable. Never be ashamed and always be proud of who you are!!!!!
Hon, I was in the same position and you know what he didn't care. He thought I was just as beautiful and even now that I am some 50 lbs heavier he still thinks I'm beautiful. Honestly, he probably doesn't even really notice things like that. I've learned slowly over the past two years of being with this man that guys don't stress over stuff like that. He asked you to be his g/f for a reason so just go with that first happy feeling. Enjoy it and Congratulations
He sounds like a great guy who genuinely cares about you. I went through the same thing with my boyfriend (who is also thin and athletic). It took me a long time to realize that he wasn't going anywhere and was proud to call me his girlfriend even though I'm not thin. If he's someone you genuinely care about and want to be with then it's worth taking a leap of faith with him. Just be honest and let him know that it will take you some time to be comfortable with the idea of that kind of intimacy. If he's as great as he sounds then he will understand.
Maybe it's denial (and a defense mechanism), but we assume our clothing hides alot more than it does. Believe it or not, he probably has a pretty decent idea of what you look like naked. It may seem like a huge risk, but it really isn't. What happens if he decided he's not interested in you at any point in a relationship with him, for any reason (he sees you pick your nose, I don't know)? You're out one boyfriend. What happens if you avoid him because he might lose interest in you at some point in the relationship - you're still out one boyfriend.
I know fear can keep us from doing a lot of things. It's ok to be afraid, it isn't ok to let fear make you a prisoner. Courage isn't lack of fear, it's a choice to act despite fear.
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I know what you all are saying. You girl are probably right, he probably has an idea, but I canít see myself being completely naked with him. I really havenít accepted my body, so how can I expect him too? He is a great guy that I would like to build something with, but Iím just so scared. He also hasnít dated anyone as big as me, so imagine if he seeís me naked. I know heís attracted to me, I know he likes me, but I just cant see myself getting intimate with someone and telling him this secret.
If you really are too afraid of rejection to take a risk, you should seek counseling now, because it isn't going to get any easier. To be blunt, the fear is not going to go away when you get to your goal weight, in fact it's only going to more disabling. Unless you're independently wealthy and can afford a lot of plastic surgery, there's still going to be loose skin, and your clothes might actually hide more of it (thus increasing the odds of actually "surprising" a partner.) If you wait until you are comfortable with your body, you may still be waiting when you die of old age. It doesn't get better until you get out there and take the risk.
You say you really like this guy, so what will be more harmful to you in the long run - facing the possibility(not the certaintly) of rejection - or facing the certainty of a missed opportunity. Most regrets in life are based on failing to take a risk, not on taking a risk and failing. Rejecting him so that you avoid rejection - still results in rejection. YOU have rejected you, before he could. Believe me, I understand the feeling. All through school I was one of the class clowns. I made fun of me before others had a chance to. It did cut down on other people calling me names - because I had already done it for them, but it didn't change the fact that those labels were attached to me all the same. How could I not believe it, if I had said it.
Even though my husband is a big guy, his prior girlfriends were all tiny, gorgeous things, except for the girlfriend before me. She was cute, blonde and more curvy than fat. I had probably 150 lbs on her or more. Women would flirt outrageously with him in front of me, because they didn't see me as a threat. In the town we met, for some reason, asian women would swoon over him. In a chinese restaurant, a waitress asked in broken english if we were brother and sister. She lost her smile and sighed with a disappointed "oh," when my husband corrected her.
When it was the subject of "nekkid time," first started coming up, I learned that he was just as nervous as I was, not only because he was overweight, but he felt the need to warn me that I might be disappointed when I saw his "package." Yeah, that's what I was worried about! I'll tell you I was so nervous, I'm not sure I would have even been able to tell you, after the first time, what he did look like naked, except that his package was well within the normal range. To be honest, the way he had warned me, I had expected to need a microscope to find his "bits." I had a girlfriend (very thin, very cute) who dated a gorgeous (but a little nerdy) guy with an unusually large package, and he was very insecure about it, and embarassed their first time too. Guys aren't always any more confident about that first undressing than we are.
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As someone before me said, we notice much of our perceived physical flaws waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy more than a man would--unless of course he's really shallow. If he enjoys being with you and has asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend, he's probably fallen for your mind and body. Take a chance and let him in. If you're the one that's so uncomfortable, just be honest with him about it and girl, turn out the lights (it's what I do ).
My dh is 5'10 and 145!!!! Man. We met on the net and I did let him know I was heavy but not how heavy. He didn't care at all. Most his gf's had been normal weight except one he said he was with for a year(his longest ever relationship before me obviously) that was heavy. I still don't know how heavy.
Anyways he fell in love with ME. How can you put a weight limit on someone you are crazy about. Think about it. How many gorgeous, great body guys have you met that may have seemed attractive at first, but you had nothing in common with and could care less about?
Men are the same way. Yes they are attracted to a woman who looks nice and takes care of her self but unless they are extremely vain, some extra weight will not deter them.
I was 240 when my dh came out here to be with me, I wound up gaining another 40 due to excess stress. He never noticed. He made me feel like a queen and still does. When we got engaged and we took the happy couple pics, I could see all the love and tenderness in his eyes and I did not understand how he could love me and want to be with me.
I decided then that I did not want to be so fat on our wedding day. I didn't lose much, but was down by 30 pounds. I am now down 80 total and I look back at those pictures, flabbiness and all and I DO see why he fell in love with me. I see a beautiful person who is very loving, faithful, kind, who absolutely adores him and makes him feel like he is prince charming.
We women are way more hung up on our weight than the men are.
This is my 2nd marriage so aside from him, not much dating experience.
So I will jump to my best friend. She recently had the surgery and is now 140, but before then she was 230-300 and let me tell you she has always had dates, relationships, men wanting to marry her, falling in love with her.
Get some counseling, get your self esteem in check, give this guy a chance.
I was extremely self conscious as well and this month is 3 years together and 1 1/2 years of marriage.
Last edited by Jasmine31 : 10-02-2007 at 03:53 PM.
Hi! Well IMO the worst POSSIBLE thing you could do is avoid him/avoid answering him cuz, remember from his perspective, his ego is on the line too, it's not easy to be the guy and work up courage to ask such things! He has a fear of rejection just like you. So that could possibly be hurting his feelings. Don't do THAT, awesome guys don't exactly grow on trees ya know!
IMO, tell him the truth, that you have really strong feelings for him but they are making you a little afraid and insecure. That way he knows it's not about HIM! He will be much relieved! Then ask if it's OK with him if you take things a little slow.
At any rate make SURE he gets the point that
1) you haven't been just brushing him off
2) his proposal to deepen your relationship is not so insignificant that you forgot about it, or haven't been thinking about it
TO DO LIST: Lose one pound. Keep it off.
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