My Birthday is already ruined!!!

[veggielover]

I don't think your mother is a very understanding mother. In fact, sometimes this makes me wonder why some parents are even parents. I really don't want to make you feel bad by saying this, but if my mum ever did anything remotely close to what your mother did, it would give me the impression that she didn't appreciate me as her daughter. First off, taking a portion of your paycheck just because you owed her is a little petty. Most mothers wouldn't burden their children with the payback if they could afford it. And to top it off, the Happy 20th comment is just so immature.

[staciec878]

If I could afford to move out I would have. We have 2 cars, there both hers, but I mainly frive own of them. If I left she would take the car. I dont make alot of money and noe I have to start paying for school.
I jsut really cant afford it. I have lots of bills, and living here is basically mo only option for now. Since I work from 8-5 then go to school from 6-11. I dont see her much, its just that shes been on vavation. Right now my only option is to suck it up and live here rent free, till I gradute college. I jsut really dont like how she talks to me, I try to keeo me cool, but when she sayes something abobut my weight or how im an nobody thats what get me

All this really is giving me determinated to be someone, which I will. but until then I hav to find a way to ignoreher.
Mybirthday is on there 9th. And if shr ruind it for me, I dont think
I csn forgie her. Sunday is supposed to be my day. Thats all I asking fot.

[SamsGirl2002]

Stacie, Happy Birthday! I'm sorry things are tense with mom, and I understand not being able to afford anything else right now. I think you should still go to the game!!! Why give up something fun because your mom is not willing to celebrate with you?
Good for you for not turning to food for comfort!!!

Hang in there! You will be able to be on your own someday. I remember counting down until I could be out of our house when I was growing up, and reminding myself that as long as I hung in there, I would be free eventually. Same is true of you!!! In the meantime, stick with your friends who care about what happens to you!!!

Celebrate your day!!!

[kaplods]

Whenever a person posts here about how evil another person is to them, I always hesitate before posting advice. My gut reaction is to want to console the person and wish evil on the one at fault, but I have to remind myself that
reality is never that simple, and fault usually lies with both sides. We only get your side of the story, not hers, and as they say there are always at least three sides to every story, in this case your mom's side, your side, and the "truth" generally lies somewhere in the middle, even if it does nudge closer to one side than another.

The truths in this situation isn't easy to feret out. Your mom obviously has problems, but this situation is not her fault. She obviously isn't completely evil, as she had every right to kick your bitt out of the house at 18, and let you fend for yourself as best you can (a parent doesn't have to be evil to believe a person needs to be independent and make their own way in the world). You are 20 years old, legally an adult for 2 years now, and you admittedly pay no rent. Your mother owes you respect and common courtesy, just as you owe her, but she is supporting you, when she does not have to. You live rent free, and have use of a car. Your mother is giving you, each and every month a gift that is worth far more than $700 in most cities each and every month. A gift she has no obligation to give you (that she takes some of what is owed in a pound of flesh is unfortunate, but you do have a choice as to whether to pay it). The reason you cannot move out at this time, is because on some level, you recognize the value of what you are getting out of this relationship.

She isn't evil, she is a flawed human being. She seems immature, ungrateful, and mean spirited, but [not trying to be harsh, really], but so do you [which really is to be expected, considering you learned from her example]. That she doesn't tell you to move out and find a way to support yourself on your own without her help is to her credit.

Unbalanced adult relationships are extremely unhealthy. You are not pulling your weight in the house, and whether you acknowledge it or not, it puts a burden on your mother. However, it also gives her emotional and financial power over you. It not only allows, it encourages her to treat you like a child, and you to act like one. Neither of you know how to treat each other as adults.

I know you said you can't move out, but the truth is you could, but don't want to. Many people leave abusive situations with nothing but the clothes on their back, and they find a way to cope. If the situation is as bad as you say, you really need to get out, regardless of the cost.

If you aren't going to move out, I strongly suggest counseling. I also suggest that you sit down with your mother, apologize for your part in this nasty business, even if she doesn't acknowledge hers. I'd also advise discussing ways to share the responsibilities and finances of living together, to put you on a more equal footing with your mother. You should be paying some rent, even if it's $50. You should also be paying part of the utility bills, groceries, phone bill, gas and car maintenance costs (and payments if there's still money owed on the car). If you can't afford to do so in money, you should do so in chores (and if you're alread doing so, that's great, but put it in writing, so you both can acknowledge that each of you is making a contribution to the support of the home), or at least acknowledge the value of the "gift" in some way each month.

When your mother is negative or nasty in any way, respond calmly with a "catch phrase," such as "I love you, and I'm grateful for all you've given me, but I refuse to allow you to talk to me that way." Get up, and leave the room EACH AND EVERY TIME. Get counseling, even if your mom refuses to go. One of the best things counseling can do is help you deal with difficult people whether they're your parent, boss, coworker, stranger, or some day child.

Good luck, and choose to have a happy birthday. It really is in your control, not hers.

Colleen