Relationships and Being Aggressive

[AndyNY]

I don't actually believe that all men are scumbags, or that even most men are scumbags. A lot are, of course, and even more will be when the opportunity presents itself.

There is certainly a double-standard for men and woman in regards to who is "easy" and who is a "stud." But that's the price you pay for being generally seen as the pursued rather than the pursuer.

Here's the thing, people tend to value things in direct relation to the extent they have to work for them. So if you give too much of yourself -- physically, emotionally, or spiritually -- too soon, it often makes you seem less desirable. That's not a game, that's just human nature.

Don't get too down on yourself or on guys and dating. Things might still work out with this guy, and if not then that's okay too because that just means he wasn't right for you anyway and it's good that you found that out after one evening. Some people don't find that out until years into a relationship.

[Blueyedblond]

Lola - I don't think of all that call/dont call stuff is completely games. The truth is men and women are hard wired differently.

I have learned to be very independent in my years of dating/relationships. (I have never been married)
I love love love my independence - and I have found that majority of men find the fact that I am independent emotionally and financially quite a relief - and that makes it easier for them to get close. I have to admit, it feels good too - it freed me of feelings of insecurity and jealousy etc. Less than a year ago i finally moved in with my bf of more than 2 1/2 years, and i have to tell you, it was soooooo hard for me to do BECAUSE I had become so independent. That's not to say that I don't get my feelings hurt, or have emotional needs - I just am able to move on from things easier.

[lilybelle]

Lola,

I hate to admit this but some men are the way they are because we as women/mother's taught them this. I have a very great looking 21 yr. old son. I admit that I taught him by the age of 15 yrs. old that if a lady is willing to hop in bed with him on the first date, that she'll do the same exact same thing with the next pretty face that comes along. I'm not at all proud to admit that he has had more than his fair share of one-night stands.

I'm not making a moral judgement about you personally, I'm just letting you know what I taught my son.

I also have a 15 yr. old daughter and I've taught her the same thing about men. Not only would they sleep with her if given the chance, they'd be with someone else by the following weekend and they'd make sure everyone in town found out about it.

All of this coming from a woman that is 47 yrs. old, has had 3 husbands and tons of heartache.

I actually think ANDY's advice is right on the money.

[lola06]

Lilybelle, I understand what you're saying. I just think when it comes to things like this we almost always see the issue or place moral judgements on the other person and think nothing of the choices we make. It's like saying well, if she's willing to sleep with me I'll do it but she's a skank and I won't respect her afterwards, but thinking nothing of his own actions. But I do believe you get it.

It's hard to realize you had a lapse in judgement, which I did. Now I have to deal with the fallout from the choice I made. It's not easy, it hurts, and I feel stupid. But I'm a big girl and I'll eventually move on.
Thanks All

[Lafayette]

Men do pay for being scumbags. They don't get great girls. I think that's fair!

[Lainey2]

Thank you AndyNY for your honesty and candor. If you want to know how a guy thinks, then ask a guy. You may not like the answer, but at least it's the truth. Why make all kinds of excuses for the guy, when it's pretty clear what happened? You deserve better. Move on.