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Is your boyfriend / husband.....

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Old 08-20-2007, 05:09 AM   #1
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Default Is your boyfriend / husband.....

I want to know if anyone else has a non affectionate bf/husband?
I am an affectionate person, im not clingy or needy, but I like a the occasional hug/kiss/cuddle etc. I also like to hear an occasional comliment or "I love you"

I tell my boyfriend I love you, and he says "I know"
I walk up to hug him when he gets home from work and he says "What!??" - not always, but I just think that is plain ol rude. He has also told me he does not "Love" anybody. All this from the man who pushed for me to move in with him, and I did. Why do you want someone that involved in your life if you are not "In love" with them.

We have been together for 3 years. We get along really well, we are a good match as far as living our daily lives - the day to day stuff, and we genuinly enjoy each other, we have fun together, we laugh alot, we have a nice social life with friends and family. So why do i feel like I am missing something, why can i just not accept that he loves me but he does not buy into the whole "IN LOVE" thing.

I know that there are guys out there who fall in love - we have friends, couples, where its obvious to me that they love each other - that the guy loves the girl. I want that.

I actually told him that I'm not so sure we are meant for each other anymore.

Im 31, i have spent 3 years with him and I can't imagine starting over anymore. I have never been married, but I want to, and I want to have a baby - before Im 34. I guess Im wondering if I just take what I have, because afterall with the acception of not feeling loved - we get along amazingly. Yup, I love him, and he really likes me. If its good enough 4 him, maybe it could be good enough for me, and i will eventually get over the empty feeling I have??

PS - I dont believe he has always been like this - een though I have been told he has (i have reason)
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Old 08-20-2007, 06:54 AM   #2
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I was married for 9 years to someone that was totally unaffectionate and pretty much exactly how your boyfriend sounds. Notice I said "was". It won't work. Eventually that need for affection and to hear the words will drive you mad. I got really, really heavy during my marriage and now, looking back, I can see that it was a defense mechanism. You're a beautiful girl, there are a million men out there that would treat you like royalty. Don't settle for one that isn't right for you just because it's scary to start over. It will be a lot harder to start over 10 years from now when you realize that you need more.

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Old 08-20-2007, 07:05 AM   #3
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Only you can decide what's right for you, but it would be awfully lonely to live that way. And if you had kids, would he act that way towards them (since he doesn't love anyone)? That would be so sad.

There is someone out there who would adore you, not just like you. Can you pass that up for what's comfortable?

I've been married eleven years and every day is like the day we met. We don't just like one another, we're passionately in love with one another. It makes me sad when I see people who don't know that feeling.

It's sad because it sounds like he's been hurt awfully bad in the past, but sometimes you can't fix people, no matter how much you love them.

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Old 08-20-2007, 07:47 AM   #4
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I would definitely listen to what Carrie said. Don't settle for a man that says he "doesn't love anybody". You deserve better than this. You're young and beautiful and can find a person that the relationship is equal on the love spectrum. You feel something is "missing", it is. LOVE. There are some things in a relationship that can be overlooked , but this is one of those non-negotiable things. I wasted 8 yrs. of my life in this type of situation and moving on was hard, but I'm thankful I finally did it.
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Old 08-20-2007, 09:32 AM   #5
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Kids are HARD they are like little magnifying glasses on all the cracks in your relationship. Dont settle for a less than stellar relationship, its not fair to you and its not fair to future kids.

I grew up with parents who didnt love each other (they did NOT fight, they were "just friends" for the last 15 years ) and it seriously screwed my perception of love and relationships.
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Old 08-20-2007, 09:37 AM   #6
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Other people may disagree with me but IMO 3 years is LONG enough to know whether or not you want to marry someone/spend the rest of your life together. I know you are not mentioning marriage here but it is something to think about.

And he can't even say I LOVE YOU. ???????

RUN!!!!! RUN FAR/ RUN FAST!!!

There are many men out there who will treat you as you deserve!!!!
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Old 08-20-2007, 10:22 AM   #7
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I think you need to draw a distinction between non-affectionate and not being in love with you. Really different things. Some guys are't demonstrative but show you how much they love you in a million ways. My Dad was like that; not a hugger but did everything for his kids and wife. There was no doubt of his love.

A guy who tells you he doesn't love anybody means he doesn't love you specifically. Run far and fast. You deserve better; we all do. I have that relationship that you want and it's unbelievably fantastic. I can't imagine spending everyday with anything less.
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Old 08-20-2007, 10:28 AM   #8
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Wow; I sound more like your boyfriend! BUT - I'm a self-proclaimed loner, so I'm not taking anyone else along on my cuddle-free trip through life. Just wouldn't seem fair to do so. Interesting question though -- I think a lot of times when people say they are in love, it is something else, that "feeling of temporary insanity" caused by hormones or who knows what. Maybe it's good that your guy is being honest and not exaggerating anything. (Hey, somebody has to stick up for him.) But again, what do I know?
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:00 AM   #9
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Ok, first of all:

I think you shouldn't compromise for the types of things you desire like affection and being told that someone loves you. I think those things are very important.

You should go with your gut. (And I think you know what the answer is). I had to let go of someone a long time ago and giving up the security, social life, some mutual friends, laughter, etc. It was extremely hard, but I needed to have certain things in my life that I was never going to get with this other person. I spent some time alone and then along came my husband. I am so lucky and glad I made that hard decision not to "settle" as I know now I wouldn't be happy.

I wish you well and hope you get what you need...
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:45 AM   #10
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I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to realize that someone you love is not the right person for you. So what are you going to do? Hang on for another 3 years, hoping he'll change? Have a baby and hope it fixes everything?

I was in a relationship (maybe a few) where I loved someone so much, I thought that I could live with the things that bothered me. Luckily, I ended up finding my husband (at the age of 30) and getting married a little over a year later. He is very affectionate and I often wonder how my life would've been if I had "settled" for other guys that I knew weren't quite the right match.

I would say, evaluate your relationship now before trying to hang on a few more years and seeing if it is what you want. Don't settle.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:28 PM   #11
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I am with you Spinymouse...and you sound like me & my DD. She says it's just chemicals, lol. It's the same chemicals that produce depression and schizophrenia and it's an overused word that doesn't mean anything and people say it out of routine, lol. I kind of agree with her. I mean really, how may times can you say something over and over before it loses it's meaning.

I think your (Blueyedblonde) SO is me. Don't get me wrong...I DO love my husband and I know he loves me and the occasional hug is fine with me. But...I don't feel the need to be told I love you on a daily basis, or 15 times a day. I don't need to be hugged when he comes home from work etc. I know he would like to be, lol.

To me it is just words after so many times. I KNOW he loves me and he knows I love him so I don't need to hear the words everyday, it becomes routine and that's not what I want. But he does anyway and instead of saying I love you back, I say more, lol. Sometimes I don't say anything, most times I don't say anything. As I said, it's routine and it seems the meaning gets lost when I hear it sooo much.

Again, though, at least he is being honest with you. Maybe he doesn't really know what love is. Apparently he is doing something right if you've been with him for three years. I know it's not enough to be content with a realationship that lacks what you want from it but, whose to say that there's not anything better out there??? You never really know. He sounds like a good guy other than what you mentioned.
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Old 08-20-2007, 02:54 PM   #12
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There are men who don't think they have any emotions, at least not the kind women seem to have. But if his actions also say he doesn't love or value you, then you've got your answer.

My grandfather was the type that if asked "Why don't you say you love me," would have replied "I put food on the table don't I?" or "I changed your oil, didn't I?" In his generation taking care of your family was your way of showing love.

My dad didn't SAY "I love you," to any of us that I can remember, but he was always very huggy kissy, not only to mom (in that "icky" way, we kids thought) he was also always wrestling, hugging, and kissing us, always willing to play with us, even "tea party," and letting us use him as a "horsey."

The completely stoic man is a challenge, especially if you're wanting to have kids. It's really hard to tell a small child, "Daddy loves you, he just has a hard time showing it," especially if you don't completely believe it yourself.

You need to talk to him about these things. Has he ever loved or been in love with someone? What does he think love is? Does he see your relationship ending in marriage and children? How does he expect to show (or not show) affection to the kids...

You've been with him long enough to have a good idea about some of these things, but you need to talk to him to make sure you understand and can live with his answers as well as what his actions say independent of his words.
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Old 08-20-2007, 02:56 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueyedblond View Post
.

Im 31, i have spent 3 years with him and I can't imagine starting over anymore. I have never been married, but I want to, and I want to have a baby - before Im 34. I guess Im wondering if I just take what I have, because afterall with the acception of not feeling loved - we get along amazingly. Yup, I love him, and he really likes me. If its good enough 4 him, maybe it could be good enough for me, and i will eventually get over the empty feeling I have??

I'm not quite sure where to begin here but..when I read your post, I immediately thought of myself!! It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you are happy with this person. Honestly, IF you were happy with him, you would not be here questioning the relationship.

The first question I need to ask is, are you insecure about yourself? About your weight? About your own self worth? When I met my ex, we were in high school & I was very overweight. Being overweight made me very insecure about myself. He paid attention to me when no one else really did, so...at 20 years old, I "settled" for that and I married him. Was I "in love"?? Absolutely not!! Was he?? No, he wasn't. It took me many years to finally realize I was insecure about myself & he wanted a "Mommy". I'm sure you can all guess how it turned out.

Fast forward....I now have someone in my life that I KNOW loves me & I love him!!! I can't tell you what a difference this has made for me!! I was able to finally lose the weight that caused me to feel so insecure about myself all those years once I got away from the cause ("Its not what you're eating..its whats eating you!" 100% true!!) For the first time in my life, I feel LOVED everyday of my life!!! As my dear friend puts it "you are a different person today...you aren't a B%^#H anymore!!!

My advice to you is, if you have even the slightest concern about this person...He is NOT "the one"!!! Don't try to convince yourself either of you will change. Love just comes natural...it can't be forced. Don't settle for less than you deserve!! You may not be as fortunate as I've been to be given a 2nd chance.

All the best to you!!!

Kim
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Old 08-20-2007, 04:14 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueyedblond View Post
He has also told me he does not "Love" anybody.
I was with you until that sentence right there. My hubby isn't really affectionate. I say "I love you" first, but he always replies with an "I love you too". If I hug him, he hugs back. I never get random hugs or kisses. But its other little things he does that really lets me know he DOES love me, and while he doesn't show it in the traditional way I guess I don't really need it that way. I'm happy with what I've got
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Old 08-20-2007, 04:27 PM   #15
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Get out now. If you really want to get married and have kids, then you need to find someone who feels the same way. Just my 2 cents. I wasted a lot of time in my life, but when I saw 40 staring me in the face I got serious and had my first kid at 41, my second at 44. I am SO GLAD I DID. This is your life, not a dress rehersal. Don't worry about starting over, just make a space in your life for what you're really looking for. As my mom always said - "You can't meet Mr. Right when you're dating(living with) Mr. Wrong".
Good luck!
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