What's wrong with me?
 

Why would anyone in their right mind be bothered by their 11 year old step-daughter putting on and wearing around the house her (my) shoes which are just sitting in the living room or what have you? I don't like that it bothers me, it makes me feel WAY too uptight.

I realize that children (girls) do this when they look up to you or admire you. That is why I feel awful about how I feel. I should be beaming that she wants to be like me!

My guesses are that it encourages territorial feelings in me, that deep down I have "foot germ" issues or maybe that she doesn't respect my things. I dunno, I feel like a crazy person! =(

Well, at least you realize you're being irrational. Would it bother you if it were your own biological child? You may not be able to answer that, but I know my sister dealt with something very similar when she dated a man with a child. She had a real hard time warming up to the child (who did have some behavioral issues, but not severe enough to warrant the ill feelings she was having towards the poor little girl).

On one hand it's not uncommon to have occasional negative feelings towards your own biological children, let alone adopted or step children, but it's important to remember who the adult is, and to work on changing those feelings. Sometimes we think we have no control over thoughts and feelings, but we have a lot more control than we think. Everytime the negative thought comes to mind, we need to "reinterpret" it. In this case talking to yourself (well at least silently) is a good thing.

I remember when I was 10 or 11 I loved to play "dress up" and my mother would let me put on her high heels. I felt like a grown up lady. That's what kids do , they play.

I was thinking the same thing...maybe it's just the fact that she's your step-daughter?

My first question would be how long have you been a family? If you're territorial over a pair of shoes, how do you feel when she cuddles on the couch with her father, or otherwise is the center of his attention?

If you find yourself resenting her, I think you should seek counseling, because you can do permanent harm to her with these feelings, even if you never voice them. Kids can practically read your mind.

I know these feelings aren't good, but over the last few days, I've come to figure out that it may just be that having other people's feet in my shoes freak me out. I've never liked it when my sister did it either. I've know her six months. And, no, I don't get jealous when she cuddles with her dad... he does a greater job than I could ever hope for in making me feel precious and important to him. So, I don't think jealousy or territorialism is the issue here. Would I feel differently if she were my own? I don't know. I've never had my own children. My fiance asked me the same question. I don't feel I can answer that question. And, please, before you guys get too worried, notice that I never said that I'm harboring resentful feelings for her, I love and care for her VERY much!

Hey lilmiz,

Get some shoe spray, and use it after she's been wearing them. This is an easy solution. You might also ask her in a smiling way if her feet are clean before she puts the shoes on. And then, help her wash them like this is part of the fun. Just a thought...

Jay

If it's just a germy-phobia thing, that's pretty minor. If you can get over it, great. If not, you may have to ask that she not wear your shoes, but explain to her that you know it's silly and it's your problem not hers.

One thing to consider, is that shoes are rarely the way foot diseases and disorders are transfered. Athlete's foot, and toenail fungi and other foot germies, are usually transfered in the bathroom not by shoe, because foot germies have to be moist to survive. In fact, usually athletes foot and such are more commonly caught in gyms and such where the floor and bathtubs/showers stay moist. As soon as the shoe or surface is dry, byebye foot germies. Also foot and nail funguses are far more common in adults than kids - so she's more likely to catch something from you, than vice versa.