Were you ever thin/normal, but thought you were "fat"?
I have been struggling with this off and on since I was 10.
Not to give too many details or to bring things up that may be uncomfortable for others (because I've had therapy for this and I'm really ok about it now) - I was molested by a stranger in a neighbourhood park when I was 10 and that's pretty much when my bad body image started. I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly, dirty, fat, horrible girl reflecting back at me.
By the time graduated from HS I thought I was an absolute cow. All of my friends were thinner than me and were constantly dieting. Little did I know most of them had some form of an eating disorder.
I'm so, so tired of seeing a fat person staring back at me. What's really strange is that IN MY OWN HEAD I look like who I was a few years ago when I lost weight, exercised regularly and kept that weight off for a couple of years. When I started re-gaining was during a really bad period for me. I was looking back at photos in 2004 when I was about 8 KG over my goal weight; I went to a party at a club in town and one of the girls I knew who hadn't seen me for a while said to me "Wow. You've really gained some weight huh?" This shattered me. Oh, to be only 8 KG over my goal weight now!! I've gained ALL of my weight back!!
I want to be the girl in my head. Not the girl in the mirror. I want to feel like what my DF says I am; beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, pretty. I want that again and I don't ever want to go back to thinking I'm fat or ugly or horrible. You would think that after all this time I would know by now that I'm not all of these negative things.
In high school, I weighed about 140 pounds at 5'8" - I felt okay, but a 'friend' (who was MUCH larger than I was, oh the irony!) told me almost constantly how I needed to lose weight - I recall her saying I had "an a$$ that won't quit" or some such thing. I then dated a chubby guy who constantly told me to lose weight. I did - about twenty pounds, which helped get me into drama school. I dumped him, and got on with getting fatter and fatter.
I still have HUGE issues of self-worth. But I'm working on it. For a long time, at nearly 300 pounds, I thought I was MUCH slimmer than I was. Now, at just under 220, I am still the fat girl, and I suspect I will be for a very long time, regardless of what the scale says.
Thanks for the thread. We are not alone (oh - that sounds like there are aliens - - !)
The first time I started believe I was fat was when I was in 6th grade. Our school was playing a special basketball game for girls that were under 100 lbs. I weighed 110, so I didn't get to play. I was 5'7 and the same height as I am now, so I definitely wasn't fat at all, I was just tall. My sister got to play on that team and I didn't, so that made it even worse.
I was on the regular basketball team and a fairly good player. My coach wanted me to play that game and tried to get me to lose 10 lbs. but I couldn't lose it. I don't think I had a spare 10 lbs. on my body to lose at the time. There were a couple other girls that were in my situation that did starve and lose some lbs. to get to play. I was never any good at starving myself and never will do that.
When I was 5'5" and 115 lb in highschool, I thought I was so fat. I was a competitive athlete with a six-pack, so there's no way I was!
The funny thing is...now, my lean body mass is 110 lb. I'm not sure what it was then, but there's no way I could ever hope to be 115 lb now without losing a whole bunch of muscle or having 4% body fat. :P
I've been there! When I was 14 (and my best friend was 12), she had some serious eating issues. She barely ever ate, and she would say EVERYONE was fat. One day, she told me anyone over a size 3 was fat. I was a size 4. I CRIED insanely hard that night. That's about when my binge eating started, and I actually DID get fat.
Funny thing is, now she still has eating issues, but she sees people the opposite. Whereas she only weighs about 95 pounds, she swears I'm much thinner than her (I'm 2 inches taller and roughly 130).
When I was a teenager I was about 150 or a size 14... sometimes 16. I thought I was huge at the time, because I was on the higher end of normal. I wish I could have appricated it then that I wasn't huge I was healthy. Now 150 is my GOAL weight. Heh.
My body image in my head is thinner then I am now because I've been overweight since being a teenager but most of the time I'm closer to 250 rather then what my highest was. I've been as low as 220 as an adult, but I still felt very large. I'm not sure how long it's going to take my mind to adjust to seeing a thinner me once I start dropping into weights I haven't seen since high school.
Half Iron Triathlete as of 7/2010
Training for Ironman Wisconsin!
I would bulk up as a kid and then grow taller - I think most kids do that. I started with eating disorders when I was about 12...I remember thinking if the scale went over to 100 lbs my life would be OVER!
I started chunking out around age 15, and for me that meant a size 8 or 9... and then somehow the next thing I knew I was shopping at Lane Bryant! I have no clue of the time between... it was like I woke up and was fat one day. Sad thing is, I always thought I was fat from grade school on. And even now I can't tell the difference between a 190 lb me and a 250 lb me - they look the same.
And even now I can't tell the difference between a 190 lb me and a 250 lb me - they look the same.
I feel the same, but I actually see the thinner person in the mirror. It's not till I see a picture of myself that I really see my size. I think it's strange when I have to squeeze through a tight place. I think it's one reason I have trouble losing weight. I can't see myself as fat. Yes, it could be worse, but I need to lose this weight or it will kill me like it is killing my mother.
When I was 11 I was 120 lbs. That is 6th grade if anyone remembers...LOL. I used to have this girl and her buddy run behind me in gym class and she would call me fat a**. It was horrible. I cried every day after school. Little did I realize that I was freaking skinny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously! I was taller than everyone else and already packed with size C bras. By 8th grade (age 13) I was the heaviest girl in the middle school. I was 135 (5'5"). I was fatter (or so I was told because of the weight) than the fat girl in our class. I weighed more so I thought I was fat but in reality I was built even at the tender age of 13 like a fully grown woman. I had curves and muscles and the height of a woman 8 years older.
I just wish I had known how beautiful I was. Because those were some of the worst times in my life. I do not know if it was jealousy or what but I had many people calling me fat...all girls. The only comment I can remember from a guy was "d*** you are sexy." but I thought he was making fun of me.
What I wouldn't give to go back to the 140-150 lbs!!!!!!!!! I look at what few pictures I have of then and I can't believe all the wasted time and enjoyment that I missed out on for feeling fat!