Childless by choice-advice pls.

ViolinCyndee · 10-10-2007, 01:26 AM

People ask me the same thing all the time! I am 40 and have no children, and I want to keep it that way! If my husband and I have kids, we will not be able to do anything that we do now, and like to share. The person who complains the most is my mother-in-law..

BillBlueEyes · 10-10-2007, 05:21 AM

Congratulations, Goddess, for being clear about being childfree.

Just thought you would like to know that now, with my DS and DD grown into adults, people ask me when they are going to have kids.

My usual response is a light hearted "You think he wasn't listening during our father/son chat?"

featherz · 10-10-2007, 08:16 AM

You know what's interesting.. When I was in my 20's, everyone told me 'you still have time, don't hurry' (even when I knew I wasn't planning on kids).. In my 30's I got a lot of 'but.. but.. but..' from coworkers.

Now that I am 40 (sniff) and working with older women with grown kids, all of which are MAJOR problems (jail, drugs, etc) - they all applaud my decision.

Of course, most kids are not the problems these are but I still find it amusing.

Spinymouse · 10-10-2007, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ViolinCyndee

The person who complains the most is my mother-in-law..

This is one of my pet peeves! The people who push for grandchildren. I mean, they got their chance to choose what they wanted to do about having children and they chose to have children. Fine. They don't get to choose again for somebody else!

On a similar note, it doesn't happen to me very much anymore, but every once in a while I am surprised that someone expresses some hope that I'm going to get a mate/spouse of some sort. (I'm not.) Blows my little mind. Why would they even care?

jo

shananigans · 10-10-2007, 02:29 PM

My folks pulled me aside about this for the first time this past weekend when we all made a trip out east for an engagement party hosted by my future MIL. To their credit, they've never really asked about it before. I guess now that we're getting married it makes sense that it comes up. I made it clear that we do not intend to have children, but in the future if we change our minds for some reason (who can predict the future?) we agreed we would adopt. Then my mom added with a chuckle that my F-MIL told her that she is to start pressuring me

Seriously. I guess my mom knows that amounts to a joke because I've always had a mind of my own, damned if anyone's gonna pressure me into anything I don't want!

nelie · 10-10-2007, 03:47 PM

I think that is why I love my ILs... When we told our ILs that we were going to expand our family, my MIL asked if it was a gold fish

She was relieved to find out it was a dog...

Optical Goddess · 10-10-2007, 05:02 PM

I think the reason people put the pressure on is because they weren't ready when they decided to have/gave in to the pressure to have kids, so they figure no one else should be either... I'm thankful that although family members may tease me about the whole childfree thing, they realize that I have my mind made up... I just don't understand how people can take having a kid so lightly ("oh, you'll feel different about it when you have it and it's yours")--there's a great reason!

ViolinCyndee · 10-11-2007, 01:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spinymouse

This is one of my pet peeves! The people who push for grandchildren. I mean, they got their chance to choose what they wanted to do about having children and they chose to have children. Fine. They don't get to choose again for somebody else!

On a similar note, it doesn't happen to me very much anymore, but every once in a while I am surprised that someone expresses some hope that I'm going to get a mate/spouse of some sort. (I'm not.) Blows my little mind. Why would they even care?

jo

Well mine cares because she DOES have grandchildren already.. My husband's brother and his wife have 2 kids. But since she (my sister in law) is SO inept, I think my mother in law would rather see us do it "right"!! HA!

Whateva... I am not about to go through all of that NOW. And, I don't wanna have to lose weight all over again!!

Amy8888 · 10-11-2007, 11:26 AM

I didn't read the whole thread, mostly just the first post. I hope I don't repeat too much!

Anyway, I have kids and I was never sure I really wanted them. I was always drawn to dogs in the park, never babies. BUT, I'm glad I have my babies, I love them more than anything. In fact, after we had our first I loved her so much that I was pregnant again 5 months later. (Don't worry, this isn't turning into a lecture of how once you have them you'll be glad you did! I just wanted you to have that background).

It's truly not for everyone. It is HARD work. The thing I don't get is how anyone could tell a childless couple that they're selfish. In many many cases, it seems selfish to me that people do have babies. They like the attention, they like getting gifts. (I'm thinking of a particular couple and I do not mean to generalize to all parents). They expect baby showers and free babysitting from relatives. It's the expectation that bugs me. They don't seem willing to change their lifestyles to accommodate the babies. To me, that is selfish. It seems far more mature and selfless to decide that you like your life as is, and even though society is pressuring you, you decide to do what's best for you.

The other thing I wanted to say is that people really need to learn some tact. I can't believe someone would pressure you, constantly ask when you're having kids. Why is that OK, but these same people would be appalled to ask you your weight? It's extremely personal information NO ONE has the right to ask about it. Sure, it would be extremely hurtful if you were infertile and were actually trying to have a baby. But I don't see why it's any better to pressure someone who's chosen not to have a baby.

I think I would eventually just get really rude back at people who were on my case about having a baby. I think I would ask them a personal question right back. Them: When are you having a baby? You: I don't know, I'll tell you after you tell me how much you weigh.

Bottom line, it's none of their business.

sidhe · 10-11-2007, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizziness

"and remember, folks, have yourself spayed or neutered"

Okay, I just busted out laughing!

When I was a teenager I knew I didn't want kids. When we got married my hubby did, and I agreed that IF our lives settled down and IF we both felt like we were in good places to be parents and IF we were BOTH ready to give up things for the kids, THEN we'd talk about it. So we got married. And then he got sick (mental illness). And then he agreed that he wasn't stable enough to take on that responsibility and raise kids. He also agreed that if god forbid something happened to me, he wasn't prepared to raise our children himself. So there's that issue done. I have an IUD, now, and I'll continue to have one until...oh...menopause.

My mom, when we got married, bugged me for awhile about having kids. Finally I squashed the issue when I told her that "I'm waiting for it to be my dream for my life, rather than somebody else's dream." She never mentioned it again. My dad has occasionally mentioned it in terms of "we need a girl" (at the time I had 3 nephews), but now that my sister had her second child, a daughter, that has stopped too.

I am open and honest about the fact that it is for me a selfish decision. I am not willing to give up parts of my life to raise a child I don't really want. I work with kids, but I don't want any of my own. I tell people that my favorite part of the day is sending my little patients home. I also see what happens to a child when that child is unwanted or being raised by parents who really weren't prepared for what they were getting into, as well as the unpredictable, uncontrollable things that can happen to a child (autism, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, Angelman's syndrome) even when the parents do everything "right". No, thank you.

My family is my husband and a grumpy cat, and we're plenty happy.

Spinymouse · 10-11-2007, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sidhe

My dad has occasionally mentioned it in terms of "we need a girl"

Gee, I didn't know you could order them like that.

Optical Goddess · 10-12-2007, 03:01 PM

I am bipolar, and even though I knew I didn't want children before I was diagnosed, I know that I am not a fit parent. I neglect myself enough, let alone someone who depends on me. When I finally told someone this, as a way to give a 'tangible' answer to the question, they just said, "oh, there are pills for that."...

It mystifies me that people just think everyone is fit to be a parent, and that's the end of it. From a religious stand point, I've had people tell me it was my Christian duty to have children. I believe God saw fit to make me realise that children aren't my bag for so many reasons, and that by obeying this, what I feel is the right thing for me, I am being dutiful.if that makes any sense.

chick_in_the_hat · 10-12-2007, 03:17 PM

I've just never been interested in being a mom...now that I'm 41 the people who gave me grief before have pretty much accepted it. It might help that DH has a son from before me...and both my sisters have kids.

I've just never seen what is wrong with stopping to plan whether or not you actually want kids.