Harpo, sorry you are having to deal with this. We have the same type of problem from my SD. She is constantly wanting money out of desperation. Goes from one family member to another. Her DH has a good job and she wastes all the money. She'll call begging for money for food or diapers for her 2 kids. In November she had the audacity to call one of my DH's best friends and beg money from him because she had an eviction notice. (the guy paid it too). Then she WAS evicted in February after not paying the Jan. or Feb. rent. I had all of this that I could take and my DH finally told her that this time she couldn't live with us anymore. (She's moved in about 5 different times during her 3 yr. marriage). She is now living with my MIL and she is 7 months pregnant. Her soon to be XH has custody of the other 2 kids. She has lost her driver's license due to hot checks and warrants for her arrest. It's just a huge mess. Now, my MIL that has bailed her out a zillion times is footing the bill for her divorce and her custody battle while she is sitting on her butt , smiling and acting like she has done nothing wrong and has not a care in the world.
I truly believe there is a difference between helping someone that is in a tight spot and enabling someone to continue to be totally irresponsible.
you don't know me but I am going to tell you as somone who WAS bailed out over and over (by my mom) I didn't become a grown up with money till she died and my father refused to bail me out one more time.
Sorry to say this but by helping her you hinder her.
I also agree that you should cut her off. My brother is the same sort of personality that your sister/BIL is, and my SIL #1 (DH has two sisters) is the exact same way.
**(Clarification that brother and SIL are not married-it is my brother, and then DH's sister.)
My brother and my SIL are both irrisponsible. My brother has literally been in college for almost 10 years...and no, he is not going to school to be a doctor in a specialized field. He simply has started, stopped, started, stopped, switched schools, etc. and my parents have been footing most of the bill. He has wrecked cars that THEY bought him, they have paid bills, they have bailed him out of jail, paid car insurance, and so on and so on...and he still is not degreed, and still parties, etc. instead of being responsible. I swear if we didn't look alike, I would think one of us was adopted-because we could not possibly have come from the same genetic background. I am the oldest, and he was the "baby" BTW. He has a big entitlement thing. I would rather live on generic canned green beans and generic white bread for 3 months than ask my parents for money-however, if he is in a bind (of his own making) he EXPECTS the help.
My SIL-geez. She has always been irrisponsible. She has dropped out of college TWICE-college that she wasn't paying for. (grandparents) Grandparents have bought her new cars, paid for the insurance/oil changes on it, while DH had to buy his own. She moved out in her TWENTIES, and when she would get paid, she would drink at the club, buy new clothes, buy cigarettes, and then complain that this bill was due-or she didn't have groceries-and family would bring her food/give her money. Repeatedly.
She recently got pregant ON purpose with a man she wasn't married to who had been in trouble with the law/tattoos all over his neck-I have tattoos, but NOT on my neck!/and basically came from a bad family. He had no intentions of marrying her, it was plain to see. Well-her and I were pregnant at the same time-she still smoked, took antidepressants (which she didn't need), didn't eat right, or anything. He left her a week before she gave birth. Now she lives with MIL, and runs around all the time while MIL and other family watches her baby and foots the bill. She has learned nothing. Instead of 27, she might as well be 17. She is already with another guy-and her son is only 7 months old. She leaves him with MIL all night to sleep at her boyfriends house. She gets bills in the mail MIL said, but none ever go OUT into the mailbox. (As in, none are being PAID.) MIL does her laundry, and takes care of her like she is still a child. I told MIL to cut the umbilical cord-she is an adult.
It is ridiculous.
All you are doing by giving, giving, giving-is enabling them. Lazy people won't do for themselves unless they have to-if they can get a free ride some other way. It is just like public assistance-it is there for emergencies-but there are lots of people who abuse the system so they can live off disability/food stamps/WIC/unemployment instead of using it only when they actually NEED it, because they don't want to work. I think everyone knows someone like that. There are just some people who will take advantage every chance they get. Don't waste your hard earned money. JMHO...
I'm in agreement though with the majority here. They will NEVER, EVER learn to fend for themselves if you keep helping them out. I understand totally and completely your desire to WANT to help them. But in the end, I really don't think it would be of any help at all. They are totally irresponsible and you should not have to clean up their mess. They are going to have to learn the hard way.
Good luck. I know it will not be easy to sit and watch this unfold. But I really believe that by you NOT helping them out monetarily, will be in the long run what's best here.
Get this one... my irresponsible relative (posted in previous message) did the same thing with school. His parents said they would pay for school (and expenses) as long as he was in it. He went to school for 10 years and then finally his parents told him to graduate or get a job or something. I am not sure if he even graduated.
He is now working for a college. He told his parents that he was going to take classes again and wanted money to go back to school (remember he is in his 40s). I told his parents that if he works for a college that he gets free tuition and that he is just trying to get extra money. So his parents asked to see the bill and he couldn't produce one.
I think it is definitely a sense of entitlement issue. With my parents they felt that they shouldn't have to work for anything, they always had my grandparents to help them out, in fact they lived with my grandparents until I was about 5. Same w/ my hubby's parents they mostly stayed with his or her parents until they couldn't anymore, and to this day no matter what happens someone always bails them out. Neither of them learned how to be responsible adults... and they have passed those lack of values on to their youngest kids. Quite honestly, I worry about them getting old because there is no way I will be taking care of them.
By the time you hit your 50's if you can't hold down a job because you get mad and quit, or call in sick and never go back... or you leave the country to avoid paying your bills (seriously, i doubt i'll ever see my parents again) well then you never will be responsible. Someone in their lives should have stood up and said ENOUGH already! But they didn't.
I didn't add that they DO recieve food stamps, but they sell them to their friends for extra cash to get this, go OUT to eat so they don't have to wash their disgusting dishes so they can cook. BIL doesn't smoke, but he does chew tobacco, which is a financial priority in their house (as well as beer).
I was going to ask "why do people think they can get away with acting so irresponsibly?" But I already know the answer -- because they get bailed out over and over again by people who don't know how to say no.
I haven't said no, but I've been avoiding her phone calls. I think she doesn't even know I'm in town, unless she drove by our parent's house and saw my car. I'm such a little meek thing, and it would be easier for me to text her and say I won't do it, would that be distasteful?
Thanks again for sharing your stories everyone! You really have helped!
I wouldn't bail her out. I am lucky my sister is very responsible most of the time.Yes she blows money but she has always paid her bills. My ex was like that he never paid rent and it was a fight to get him to pay anuthing on the bills until thay threatened to cut them off. Then when I went to work (we had 2 kids together and was a SAHM) he was annoyed that he didn't have control over all the money(including child benefits) so i left his butt i got tired of being evicted (I never made enough to par rent just keept the kids fed and warm). I was a young mom (18 for the first) and I knew what was the most important aspect of my life, my kids.
I know this must be hard on you but the kids are not better off if you keep bailling out their parents. They are being tough that this behavior is acceptable.
OMG, I know this type of behavior. And as someone who can say for a FACT, they have much bigger problems then just mismanagement of their money!
They are in trouble. And the biggest favor you can do for them, and the children is to stop filling their hands every time they put them out!
The kids will learn so much more from a responsible adult telling their parents NO then being in that situation for the rest of their young lives.
Sooner or later it is just going to be an embarrassment to the children.
I hope you find the courage to say no.
HUGGZ!!
Tonia
Harder said than done. But the opposite thought is what do they do if something ever happens to you? Who bails them then? Wouldn't it be BETTER for them to tell them no now...while they still have a place to send the kids if need be while they live in their car for awhile? Or is it better to bail them out again when you yourself state they keep getting worse. Why? Because they don't HAVE to get better. No one forces their hand at it. And when the help is gone, who then will they rely on? If you can't say no for fear of hurting them, say no because you know its the only way to ever REALLY help them.
Everyone has said it. I totally understand that you want to text the "no", but can you have a "family meeting" with you, your sister and mom as mediator? Do you think you can hang tough in person? Have you spoken to your mother about what is happening and about to happen?
I was going to say tell them NO! Then I thought, nah. But...you have to put your foot down. Apparently they don't care and know that they have you to fall back on. If you feel the need to help them this time I would tell them that this will be the last time and stick with it. Knowing thought that they wouldn't be out on the street, maybe I would just tell them no. I know it's hard telling family no...been there, done that. A similar incident happened with us...SIL wanted money and lied and said it was so she could take her son to the hospital for his weekly treatment, he had leukemia (sp?). It angered us when we found out that they took that money and went to a bar. She used her son as an excuse and that is sooooo wrong. It killed us to tell them no the next time but we knew they were lying. And ya know what...they were mad at first, but got over it. There's no reason for your sis to use you to pay their bills when they should be taking care of themselves and their own family. You shouldn't feel guilty either...there is no reason for you to feel bad.
Another one for "NO"! Tell them that you aren't in a position to help them this time. Simple as that. They won't starve. Maybe you will be HELPING them to realize their priorities. If you aren't there to bail them out, and no one is there, then they will have to rely on themselves. Bailing them out time after time teaches them that you are a ready reserve of money, so why NOT go out and blow the last 20 bucks in the account? They won't take responsibility for themselves unless you and your family forces them to. I know it makes you feel bad, but I think that you are helping them, not hurting them by saying "NO".
I would just tell them "no" straight up. If they know that you are a meek little thing, they won't believe you anyways until you refuse to give in. I think the family meeting isn't a bad idea - get reinforcement!
That's a tough one, but the fact that they went boozin' helped me make up my mind. Especially since the kids won't end up in the street. Tell her no, you can't afford it, and btw, you're tired of bailing them out repeatedly when you can't see them making any effort to be responsible. I think the idea of a family meeting is excellent, but if you just can't stomach that right now, I say texting her is fine. Don't worry if it's "distasteful" - what THEY are doing is what's distasteful - much worse, in fact. You really don't owe her any of those little social niceties after the way they've been treating you.
He simply has started, stopped, started, stopped, switched schools, etc. and my parents have been footing most of the bill. He has wrecked cars that THEY bought him, they have paid bills, they have bailed him out of jail, paid car insurance, and so on and so on...and he still is not degreed, and still parties, etc. instead of being responsible. I swear if we didn't look alike, I would think one of us was adopted-because we could not possibly have come from the same genetic background. I am the oldest, and he was the "baby" BTW. He has a big entitlement thing. I would rather live on generic canned green beans and generic white bread for 3 months than ask my parents for money-however, if he is in a bind (of his own making) he EXPECTS the help. 
Everyone has said it. I totally understand that you want to text the "no", but can you have a "family meeting" with you, your sister and mom as mediator? Do you think you can hang tough in person? Have you spoken to your mother about what is happening and about to happen?
