Jill: See...that's why I think my daughter and I remembering her dad in the park we used to hang out in and maybe floating a few flowers down the stream...a few nice words...is more fitting than going to a room full of psycopaths (his family) and having them swoop in on my daughter like vultures on roadkill and saying mean things to me. And I'm getting a lot of peace from the Buddist, smoke, spirit thing. I think that is really nice and a way for me to make peace with it all. In fact, I may...may...even consider it for myself someday for the same reasons.
That sounds lovely and meaningful. I'm tired of people putting restrictions and constraints on others. You do what is meaningful for you and that wonderful daughter.
This thread has been very interesting. I personally don't care what happens to me once I'm dead. I have never had a family member to be cremated but after reading this I wouldn't mind cremation done for me. I have had multiple deaths in my family and the whole burial ritual was totally gruesome. Pictures of kids in casket with the parents, favorite candy and chewing tobacco in hands of dead FIL, teddy bear in casket with child. What in the world for? The hardest for me to deal with was when I was 13 and my dad died. He had a sister in Iowa that showed up late for the funeral, and showed up at the graveside. They opened the casket at the grave to let her see him. This haunted me for years.
I had always thought that I wanted to be put in a mausoleum, but that seems awfully expensive and for no real reason. Each yr. now, we still travel to multiple cemeteries to place flowers on the graves of loved ones that have passed. That has always been family tradition.
This has been very thought provoking and something I need to discuss with my DH and kids. We may start our own family tradition here at my household.
I remember you telling me a little about your life once before. What a nightmare! I hope things are going a little better now. My mom, who knew she would be in heaven because of Jesus death for her, gave her body to the U of WI for study. She had that planned years ago when she lived in NE. My brother is doing the same thing. It sure made things simpler. It was only hard because she lived with us and died at age 90 from a sudden heart attack. We had a nice memorial service for her where my brother and dh spoke the gospel. Just recently my son suggested we put her name on my dad's headstone back in NE. I still miss her so.........she died last Aug.
I respect everyone's wishes as my mom past away this past October, and even though cremation would have been so much less expensive, my mom did not want to be cremated so we didn't do that with her. Myself, I want to be cremated and I've told my family this. For one, it is much cheaper and the other is even though I'm no longer alive, I've always had a thing of being closed in a coffin in the ground, and have had some bad dreams of being buried alive.
"Ashes to ashes dust to dust..."
Both my parents and myself want to be cremated.Our thinking is in the long run it will be heathlier for the environment to be cremated. With all the weather problems we have been having with floods, hurricaines, twisters, etc. it's sure to bring up the dead and cause disease.
My mother was cremated. She was very clear about what she wanted and we did what she wanted. I'm not exactly sure why she wanted to be cremated, but I suspect that it is because she saw burial as a huge waste of money (she was very practical) and land. We did end up burying her ashes next to her father, which is definitely where she would have wanted to be (she was very close to her father).
My father has said that he wants to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered over West Virginia, which is where he grew up. I think he has a vision of us dropping them out of a plane. I don't think we'll be able to manage the plane part (it's got to be illegal) but we can probably manage to quietly scatter them somewhere near where he was born.
I also want to be cremated because the whole decomposition processes, whether worms are involved or not, seems far more disgusting to me than a nice, clean, sanitary fire. I also do not want to my ashes to be buried (I'd like them scattered someplace warm, probably somewhere in CA) and I do not want to have any sort of grave. My SO and I try really hard to be good environmentalists--having a grave just seems like a waste of greenbelt. I also do not want my survivors to have to bother keeping up a grave. My mother is buried in a area of Pennsylvania that is two hours from the nearest airport and over 6 hours from where my sister and father live (days away from where I live). We never visit her grave; I can only hope the relatives in PA keep it up, but I'm really not sure about that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her or feel the hole her death has left in my life, but her grave is a meaningless plot of earth. When I want to feel close to her I go to church, which is something that was an vital part of her life.
I have had multiple deaths in my family and the whole burial ritual was totally gruesome. Pictures of kids in casket with the parents, favorite candy and chewing tobacco in hands of dead FIL, teddy bear in casket with child. What in the world for?
In my experience, cremation doesn't do away with any of that. My mother was cremated but we still had a full-day wake and a funereal on the following day, both with an open casket (obviously they didn't cremate her until after the funereal). They still did the whole embalming thing on her, made up her face (more make-up than she ever wore in her life), put her in an outfit she had picked out. People still commented on how nice she looked even though that comment was completely ridiculous. Someone put a rose in the casket with her and somehow that rose got saved for my sister and I. I literally just came across it last week while cleaning out some stuff at my Dad's--ick! I think you can include anything you want to be cremated with the deceased--toys, candy, whatever.
I'm glad we had the wake and the funeral and I'm grateful to everyone who showed up, but I've definitely specified in my will that I want a closed casket! Or better yet, no casket--just the container with my ashes (forget the expensive urn, just toss those ashes)!
Last edited by BlueToBlue; 04-16-2007 at 03:17 AM.
My big thing is the whole wake -- I see no purpose in viewing someone who has died, kind of morbid to me.
I never understood the purpose of a wake either, until my mother died. The wake is about so much more than just viewing the deceased. My mother's wake was an opportunity for people to show their support to her family and to say their own goodbyes to her. My mother touched a lot of people in her life, more than could possibly attend her funereal (far more people than the funereal home could hold), which we felt should be primarily for very close friends and family. The wake gave everyone a full day to come in on their own schedule and say goodbye to her. It also gave them a chance to express their support for us and frankly, it was really appreciated. It was also gratifying to see how many people cared about her and were touched by her death. Both the wake and the funereal also put a finality to her death and allowed everyone to start the long process of moving on with their lives. You can do a wake with a closed coffin (definitely my preference) but some people, esp. folks my father's age, really want that one last look as part of their goodbye. Everyone says goodbye in their own way. Ultimately, both the wake and the funereal are for the living, not the deceased.
I understand the whole thought behind the wake -- I'm just not for the open casket. My mother in law had an open casket and it was absolutely horrible to listen to people tell me "how good she looked" -- she doesn't look good -- she looks dead!!! (sorry to be so blunt). Also, at my grandmother's wake her brother-in-law, who she never got along with, told my mother "if I had known it was going to be a closed coffin, I wouldn't have come", what's the deal -- it's wonderful to pay your respects to the family, but you know she's "there" even with the closed casket.
My 9 month old grandson was cremated just this past December, why?? Because his parents are young & his ashes will go along with them anywhere they go throughout life - who knows where they will move or what will happen but no matter what, his ashes will remain with them as part of their family.
I personally also chose to be cremated when the time comes. Why? Because I think that the land should be for the living... I don't want my rotting body taking up space that living people could be using for something else! There's way too many live people for all the dead people to be taking up so much space! (I feel the same way about my organs & donation, if I'm dead & they'd be useful to someone living, by all means TAKE THEM!!!)
Anyway - theres just 2 examples for you. I'm sure there's a million & one other valid reasons (and probably some invalid ones too) why people do it.
Wolfena -- Please accept my condolences for your grandson. I agree with cremation, and having the ashes with you, how hard it would have been for them to move, knowing they were leaving him behind somewhere in a cemetery. I feel my body is the "vehicle" for my soul and I'm not "there" when I pass, so my organs should be used to help someone see, their heart to beat, etc. Beautiful, untouched land is becoming less and less for our kids to roam around on, I agree with not wasting the space putting my body in it. And I think it's sad the cemeterys that are so old, no one even visits or takes care of it any more -- it's kind of disrepectful to me to see the grass growing tall and the stones deteriorating.
