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Help me, how do I repair this?

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Old 12-24-2006, 02:45 AM   #1
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Default Help me, how do I repair this?

My 'husband' (he's not technically my husband because we're not technically married, but we've been together for 16 years and have a 7-year-old-son) has been a real *** lately. Last night he totally went off on me (not physically) screaming about this and that and I don't know what the heck else and I've been dealing with his crap for the last month or so. We've even spoken lately of splitting up because he loves to run those, "Well if I'm not good enough for you, then go find someone else!" guilt trips on me. As well as the, "You don't pay enough attention to me in bed! You don't compliment me enough! You don't **** my brains out on a regular basis!"

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Well tonight was the last straw. He was in the back room wrapping presents and our son happened to walk back there and looked in the room, not meaning anything by it, just wanting to see what daddy was up to. He (dad) got all p'd off because our son walked in on him wrapping gifts and told that child he wasn't getting anything for Christmas. Told him that Santa wouldn't leave him anything now since he walked in on "daddy" and "disturbed" him while he was wrapping presents.

My son was pathetically in tears. He was crying and said, "Mommy, daddy said Santa wouldn't bring me any presents."

I was so upset that I went and talked to him and told him you NEVER say those things to a child. A child who has been talking about Christmas for the last month straight and making beautiful things for mommy and daddy in school and decorated the Christmas tree himself and has a countdown to Christmas hanging on the fridge and went to the holiday shop at school to buy his loved ones gifts and asks me every day how many days there are until Christmas. A child, like most children, who LIVE for this kind of thing. My son has spent the last month talking about, planning for and waiting on, Christmas. And his own father tells him tonight he's not getting anything.

I'm so blasted mad right now I could spit nails. Damn him anyway. I spoke with him and he went and hid in the bedroom, running his usual, "What can I say, I'm a bad person!" bullcrap on me and told him that, once again, I was going to have to be the "peacemaker" and fix things with our son. Which I did. I held him as he cried and tried to sound chipper and told him daddy didn't mean what he said and that Santa knew he'd been a good boy this year and would bring him plenty of presents. Again. As always. I'm always having to 'repair' the damage that boy's father inflicts upon him. No, his father has never physically abused him. But I happen to know, from experience, that verbal and emotional abuse hurts just as much. And when my son's father tried to run excuses on me for his behavior, I said, "I don't care what your problem is right now or what excuse you have, you NEVER say that kind of a thing to a child." And when he tried to apologize (to me, not our son) I said to him, "Sorry, but the damage is already done."

And, of course, his apology wasn't heartfelt. It was your typical, "I'm sorry, okay?! What do you want from me!" type of things.

I'm not looking for relationship advice, that part I'll handle myself. But how to do I repair the emotional damage my 'husband' has done to our son? That was a horrible HORRIBLE thing to say. And it broke my heart to see my baby standing there in tears because daddy told him he wasn't getting any presents this year.

Thanks, everyone, for listening. I have to go to bed now, it's very late. But I'll check back tomorrow and I'd love to hear advice or even similar stories of maybe other mommies that are going through or HAVE gone through the same thing. I'm just heartbroken right now, for my baby. I can't even describe the heartbreak I'm feeling. Until you've seen a child in tears who has been told by his own father that Santa wouldn't bring him any presents (after the very night before he was so good for grandma because he wanted to make Santa proud of him) you haven't felt THAT kind of heartbreak.



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Old 12-24-2006, 04:03 AM   #2
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Explain to him that as long as he knows that he has been good, then he knows that Santa is going to bring him presents. Tell him that things are going to be okay! I would just give him lots of love and help him keep the spirit of Christmas with the count down. *HUGS* I hope that things get better!!
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Old 12-24-2006, 04:32 AM   #3
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How freakin' depressing!

I would be so livid....these times are stressful for everyone on one level or another...but to steal a child's magic in such a minor incident is so sad....

I would just continue to make as much magic as you can...love him, hug him, read to him.....and distract him....tell him that it is his dad's problem and not his....that his dad was in the wrong and carry on...

try to make peace with your SO.....the best gift parents can give their kids is to love each other...if that is not an option...your new year's resolution my be obvious.

Hang in there!

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Old 12-24-2006, 07:36 AM   #4
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I'm so sorry that your son and yourself are going through this. Thank G-d your son has you to love him and cherish him and recognize the importance of this special time. I think I would tell my son that what daddy said was wrong and sometimes daddy gets angry and says things that he doesn't mean, but nevertheless loves you very, very much. I would just keep reinforcing what a good boy he is and how very, very proud you are of him.
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Old 12-24-2006, 09:08 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by rockinrobin View Post
I'm so sorry that your son and yourself are going through this. Thank G-d your son has you to love him and cherish him and recognize the importance of this special time. I think I would tell my son that what daddy said was wrong and sometimes daddy gets angry and says things that he doesn't mean, but nevertheless loves you very, very much. I would just keep reinforcing what a good boy he is and how very, very proud you are of him.
Ditto to this. Or you could try saying that daddy was doing some work to help out Santa and got angry because he thought that your son was spying on him (which every child knows you're not supposed to do). But reassure him that Santa knows it was all a misunderstanding and that he's given daddy a good telling off for being so harsh!

Sorry you're having to go through with this. If you do decide to split up, PM me if you need to talk. I was about 9 and my brother was 6 when our parents split up.
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Old 12-24-2006, 09:20 AM   #6
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The Christmas part is fairly easy. Reinforce that Santa knows if a person is truly good inside, and no matter what, he's a good boy. The magic will likely be reinforced the moment he wakes up to see what Santa brought him.

As far as the rest of the emotional damage, that's not so easy. It's hard to explain to a child that one of his parents was very wrong and said some things he shouldn't have. Kids look up to their parents and it's hard for them to see that they're anything less than perfect at that age. No matter what you say or do, he will likely still blame himself because that's how children deal with things like this. From what you've said about your relationship with him, I think that the love you give him and the support and reinforcement of positive behaviors will be his saving grace. Sooner or later he will realize his dad isn't perfect, and has said/done some bad things. And he'll also realize that you've been there for him through it all.
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Old 12-24-2006, 09:48 AM   #7
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i Say Comfort The Child And Keep Him Focused On Christmas The Best You Can At The Moment ~~

I Would Not In Any Way, Shape Or Form, Tell Him That Daddy Didn't Mean It ~ To Me, It Sounds Like He Does...as You Have Said You Always Have To Be The Peacemaker....if His Father Is Truly This Way, The Sooner The Boy Finds Out The Better...if The Father Is Really Sorry Then I Would Think He Would Be Comforting The Boy All He Could...i Know I Would.
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Old 12-24-2006, 10:23 AM   #8
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I agree with Gary, don't make excuses for his Daddy. Let Daddy make the apology and make it right.

Let your son know how much you love him and comfort him by talking to him about Christmas and being excited about the things he made at school. My kids were so excited when they did the Christmas shopping thing in elementary school and they had a wonderful art teacher that did a craft with the kids to give as a gift every Christmas. They are 21 and 19 now and they still get excited about buying gifts and I still proudly display their creations they made.

As he gets older, your son will see what a jerk Daddy is to both you and him and neither of you did anything to deserve it. Lookout Daddy when that son is big enough to yell back. My father was a yeller and my brother has had nothing to do with him at all for a very long time. They got in a huge fight when my brother was 17. I make attempts with my Dad because I too am a peacemaker, but I always end up being hurt almost every time. My husband tells me not to keep trying.
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Old 12-24-2006, 10:46 AM   #9
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I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that daddy was indeed WRONG, that sometimes even parents make mistakes, but nevertheless he loves you very much. And that he didn't mean it. That it was said out of anger. And yes he most certainly should not have said those things. I don't agree (just my opinion, certainly not fact) that he should know about his father the sooner the better. Beleive me if he continues on in this way he'll figure it out soon enough, if he hasn't already, without his mom bad mouthing his father. Good luck. And with you on his side, your little boy will be just fine. He's lucky to have you. I really, truly hope you have a Merry Christmas indeed.
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Old 12-24-2006, 11:13 AM   #10
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HEY ROCKIN ~ The point I was trying to (and if I may speak for my pal JULES) is that LLV said she is "ALWAYS" having to repair what dad said to the boy ~~ I think it is wrong to continually "lie" for him. If it was a one time thing because dad was stressed out for something, then fine ~ but as I said before, if that were truly the case then dad would have found time to comfort the boy himself. I do agree that the boy will eventually see it himself, but that doesn't make it right for mom to always cover for dad...she just needs to comfort the boy through these times.
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Old 12-24-2006, 11:29 AM   #11
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If this is new behavior for dad, maybe he is going through some emotional trauma or depression (hopefully not substance abuse). Have you talked to him about whether something is bothering him? Is he really stressed out right now? Does he feel like he can communicate with you? Needless to say, this is not an excuse, but maybe have a conversation where he has a chance to talk openly without the premise of him being told he's doing something wrong. However, if his behavior is an old problem, then maybe you need to think about what is truly best for your family, and I have no right to tell you what that is, because only you know your family situation.
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Old 12-24-2006, 11:30 AM   #12
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GARY: I understand your point - 100%, but no matter what we think of the dude, do you really, really think he doesn't love his son, do you really, really think he meant what he said - I think he DOES love his son, although he's gotta lousy way of showing it and I DON't think he meant what he said. And therefore I think it's okay if his mom says so.
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Old 12-24-2006, 11:33 AM   #13
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I would consider that he might not have meant it, too. It seems that it may have been a moment of frustration (not handled well) because he wanted Christmas morning to be perfect and a wonderful surprise for his son.
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Old 12-24-2006, 12:02 PM   #14
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Nobody is saying that the Dad doesn't love his son, but what I think Gary and I are trying to say is he is the one that should make it right not the mom. If Mom is "ALWAYS" making excuses for the Dad's outbursts, it is justifying the bad behavior and making it acceptable when it is not. The Dad needs to be a grown up and admit what he said was wrong and apologize. Nobody is saying that the Mom needs to badmouth the Dad either, that would be just as wrong and confusing to a 7 year old and just make the situation worse.
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Old 12-24-2006, 12:28 PM   #15
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DITTO ~ JULES
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