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Old 12-22-2006, 12:31 AM   #1
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Thumbs up Break up advice?

My situation is that i am moving about 250 miles away the day after Christmas. I have a boyfriend right now who is wonderful and sweet, and i don't want to lose him. He tells me that he will come visit me twice a month and we will talk everyday. He says that he will wait for me to come back in 5 months, which i know he will. But i have learned from experience that long distance relationships don't work out. Sure it's only going to be long distance for a few months, but still. I don't know if i should tell him to see other people while i am gone, or what, i'm afraid if i will do that, then he will find someone else. We were moving kind of fast in this relationship, which i didn't like, so i told him to slow it down some, and he agreed to doing that, but none the less he is still talking us over the speed limit if you will, that's why i am kind of glad for this time away from one another. He wants a future with me, and i am not totally sure he's the man i'm ment to be with, but I have never met any guy like him. He actually puts my needs before his, every other guy i know is selfish. Another thing is, i'm afraid i might meet someone while i am gone, not that i am looking. I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend becasue that is SO very wrong. I've been hurt too many times that way and i refuse to do that to anyone. The biggest problem is if i do decide to break it off with him, i don't want to do it before or on Christmas. He is not 100% mentaly stable and if i break it off over the phone because it hurts me not being able to be with him in person, then i'm afraid he will do something very stupid. I know that i don't need someone like that in my life, but other then he having his extreamly rare depressed moments, he is perfect in my eyes. Does anyone has any friendly advice or would like to share any wisdom from thier long distance relationships? I need to make a decision fast. Thank you all.

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Old 12-22-2006, 05:33 AM   #2
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Oooh it's a toughie.. personally I'd wait it out. Do the long distance thing, it might work - you're thinking about breaking it off because you THINK it won't work. If it doesn't work out, and either you or him meet someone else, then that's the time to call it. But I think you could see what happens. Like you say.. it's only 5 months.

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Old 12-22-2006, 06:17 AM   #3
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I agree this is a toughie....
If it's only five months, then I would say don't break up unless you really want to end it and this is a way out. The long distance will give you both some time and space and if he is rushing you-it will give you a chance to reevaluate what you really want.
As far as breaking up and meeting someone there, if you are only going to be at the new place for five months it wouldn't make sense to start a new realtionship since you would have the same issue with the distance when you did move back.
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Old 12-22-2006, 06:37 AM   #4
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So I take it you're not pregnant?

In my opinion, if you really like the guy, and want to be with him then try the long distance thing. It's only 5 months. However, it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to dump him. If that's the case then don't lead him on. Break it off before you move.
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Old 12-22-2006, 12:55 PM   #5
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That was my thought--you have posted recently that you believe you are pregnant. That bit of information would alter any advice I would give you.
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Old 12-22-2006, 01:08 PM   #6
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I was in a 5 year long distance relationship (different countries, meeting only once a year) which worked out finally! I am now happily married and living with him for 2 past 2 years. I think 5 months is nothing and u should definitely give it a try. Have faith in ur relationship and make that extra effort to keep in constant touch. I am guessing its only different cities, so calling eachother or even flying a few times wont be a big deal...

If he is ready to wait for you, I'd say give it a try! 5 months will fly like this

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Old 12-22-2006, 11:08 PM   #7
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Ladies. Thank you for your posts. I am actually not sure if i am or am not pregnant yet. I am taking my doctors advice and waiting on testing for 2 weeks. He told me i should know for 100% by then espicially if i do not get my period. As for the guy, i like him very much even though we rushed into things, and i am willing to wait for him, and i think it's best that i do. This could be a real test to see if he truely wants to be with me still. I am hopeing that i will figure out while i'm gone if i'm only with this guy to fill the empty hole i have in my life right now, or if i really do have strong feeling for him.

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Old 12-22-2006, 11:52 PM   #8
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I was reading your post, nodding and thinking of the advice I intended to give you, when I came across: "He is not 100% mentally stable". WHOA!

Use this time apart to constructively reflect and re-evaluate if you really want to stay in this relationship. Is this man good for you? Do you love him with all your heart? Your ambivalence about the relationship runs all through your post. You should not let circumstances entirely dictate whether you commit yourself to this man.

It is not fair to him and it is not fair to you if your heart isn't in it.

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Old 12-23-2006, 10:20 AM   #9
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Oh my goodness sweetie ~ from reading, it seems to me that the question really is: DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM.....I know the "maybe" pregnancy wasn't planned, but the results should be no indication on wether or not he wants to be with you forever...or you with him.

Life is hard...to be with someone you are not sure about (other than going through the normal dating process to see if that person is a "possibility) is just not a smart thing to do.

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Old 12-23-2006, 12:16 PM   #10
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Here's what I think: It's not like he's asked you to marry him and you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You seem more concerned with his feelings than your own. The emotionally unstable thing bothers me, too. Like you need THAT at this point in your life. Just go and see how things pan out. And hope to the Good Lord Above you get your period soon!!
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Old 12-23-2006, 09:07 PM   #11
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1) Is he good for you?
2) Is he good for your baby? (I know, you're not 100% yet, but for the sake of argument I will go with you having a baby come August or so.)

You have to answer those two questions. The answer to both of them must be yes. You don't need to get embroiled in a bad relationship because you think it will be best for your child; I have seen far too many women do that and it just does not work. Once you are a mother you always have to be aware of what you are modeling for your child, and a healthy relationship is right up there at the top of the list, IMO.

So I would say: tell him you need some time to process things and your feelings and you don't want to break up but you do need some distance. Then slow it down while you are away. Keep in contact, but don't put all your energy into maintaining the romance. I have married my long-distance honey; we've been married nearly eight years now. So I know it can work, but I also know how distance can distort things and make you think only of the best aspects of the person. I was sometimes quite annoyed with my husband in the early days!

Stay as sane as you can while you are gone, and if you are pregnant, well, don't make too many life-altering decisions until the baby is here. Hormones can really knock you for a loop, trust me.

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Old 12-29-2006, 12:41 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by tweetyandme View Post
We were moving kind of fast in this relationship, which i didn't like, so i told him to slow it down some, and he agreed to doing that, but none the less he is still talking us over the speed limit if you will, that's why i am kind of glad for this time away from one another. He wants a future with me, and i am not totally sure he's the man i'm ment to be with

For me, that paragraph answers your question. To my mind, long distance relationships can intensify feelings that may not really exist, because your so desperate to make things work, and spend so much mental energy keeping things alive.

If your not totally sure he's the guy for you, I think your doing yourself, and him an injustice by keeping things going.

This may be harsh, but each person is responsible for themselves, mentally. I think you would do more harm putting off a break up because your scared of what he might do if you leave.

I know it's hard. I was in a long distance relationship for twelve months, moved across the world to be with the person, and recently, after nearly 5 years living together, it finished. It was so hard, after everything we had been through to be together, and I'm still sad over it.
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Old 12-29-2006, 12:56 PM   #13
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Well kykaree I think your advice is good and I think you are a perfect example of why not to stay in a relationship that you don't really want. I think that some times people stay in a relationship because of desperation. I'll never find anyone else... I don't want to be alone... etc. People end up so unhappy because they try to make relationships work that don't. I think kykaree is a perfect example in that she had a relationship that didn't work, it ended and then found the man she wanted to marry and be with for the rest of her life.

For me, it was very similar. I was in a long distance relationship with someone for nearly a year, we broke it off, I was sad but the relationship wasn't progressing (I didn't feel the urge to move, he didn't feel the urge to move, so no where to go really with the relationship). A few months later, he found someone who he ended up marrying and less than a year later I started dating someone I married.

So my advice is to get out of relationships that you don't make you happy. You can find the person you want to be with it may just take some time and a little luck.
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:06 AM   #14
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I moved about a week ago, 3 days before i had originaly planned to. The day i left, my boyfriend helped me pack my stuff and load the moving vehical. He was very disheartend and extreamly sad. I could sense his pain even though he tried not to show it. He did keep telling me that he didn't want me to go. It wasn't until about 7 hours before i was about to leave until i realized that this guy actually does care about me very much. I have had a few serious boyfriends in my past, but never have i felt this way. It actually scared me at first, but now it feels so right. He is the first guy who i felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in his lap. I had always been too unsetteled about my past guys to do that. I slept there for 2 hours while he and my mother talked about their lives. My mom even pointed out that i have never been very trusting with guys until him. I felt safe and like if the world was going to end, then right there was where i wanted to be. Before i left he gave me his class ring, along with a 3 stone promise ring(which i had apprased at over $300! I wouldn't have cared if it was a gumball machine ring though!) Thirty minutes before i left, he broke into tears, although he tried to be strong. Unlike many fakers i have encountered in my past, i felt he was sincere. I could almost feel his heart breaking. He again reassured me that he would wait for me, no mattter how long it takes for me to come back. I talk to him on the phone many times a day, with him telling me how much he misses me and that he is going to come see me, he already bought the train ticket.

I have met many people in my life that have been fake with me, and made empty promises to me, but i have never beieved someone as much as i believe him. I know some of you reading this are thinking that i am only trying to see the good in this guy hopeing that i am not wrong about him, that i am blind to his true nature. Actually i have done a few tests unknown to him, such as strait off telling him ALL of serious problems, and telling him ALL of my past mistakes. In telling him everything about me, he opened up his life story, and became VERY close to my parents in trying to get close with my whole family so that they see that he's not like anyone in my past. My parents actually approve of him VERY much, even knowing the fact that he is a few years older then me. My father(a cop) ran a background check on him, finding out everything about him posible. He has honerable discharge from the army with several medals for bravery, he has never comitted a crime, not even a small traffic violation. He owns his own place, and has the job and education to support himself very well for the rest of his life.

Anyway, i havn't felt this way about a guy before in my life not even my ex who i thought i was going to marry next year. I love him. I was unsure before, but now i know i do for a fact, and those are not just lonely words talking, those are words from a heart in love. Thank you for all of your posts, and advice.


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Old 12-31-2006, 11:45 PM   #15
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I don't know. My last situation in this department ended in an angry paintball fight and someone getting shot in the crotch. (Hint Hint, wasn't me). The key is if you trust your relationship enough to wait it out and hope for the best. Keep the faith.
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