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Dealing with Verbal Abuse

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Old 12-18-2006, 06:38 PM   #1
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Default Dealing with Verbal Abuse

I am currently being verbally abused by my sister. I have been for the past 10 or so years, mostly about my weight. I have even been abused when I was 160 pounds and wearing a size 10!!!

I have recently gained about 60 pounds over the past 2 years. I knowthat I need to lose weight. But her calling me names isn't going to solve the problem. I don't live in the same house with her, but when I come home for holidays, I am dreading it because I know the comments about my weight will begin. I am currently home for Christmas and it should be a happy time, but I'm already having at least one heated argument a day.

Did I mention she used to be an overweight child (174 in the 8th grade)? Now, she feels she is superior because she lost the weight in high school and pretty much kept it off. I'm a medical student and under a LOT of stress. I know it's no excuse, but some people gain and some people lose when they're stressed.

Anyway, any advice? I have not been home in 11 months and this is why. Because of the verbal abuse. I am thinking of not coming back after I leave at the end of December.
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Old 12-18-2006, 07:34 PM   #2
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It's horrible when you don't have supportive family members. I finally had to tell my father that I would no longer visit if he continued to bug me about my weight. I knew I was fat, and I didn't need him to remind me. He hasn't said a word since.

While I don't know your situation, can you enlist the help of your parents or other siblings in letting your sister know her behavior is unacceptable?
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Old 12-18-2006, 07:36 PM   #3
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I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through with your sister. My sister has always been very negative about my weight. She has hurt my feelings so many times. Of course, she doesn't mention it now that I've lost the weight. I hope that you don't let her keep you from being around your other family. It's not worth it. I'm an RN and I can only imagine how stressful medical school is for you. But, great job for pursuing that awesome goal. Always remember that absolutely no one is superior to you. As for advice, I really don't have any. With my sister, I've tried getting mad, crying, ignoring her. None of it ever made much difference. However, I think ignoring does work best as negative people hate being ignored. Hugs.
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Old 12-18-2006, 07:36 PM   #4
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I am very sorry that your sister is that way. Look at all you have accomplished! It is not easy getting into med school. Perhaps she is jealous of your brains, drive, and desire to do good in the world?

I have changed the way I deal with abusive people over the years. The worst offenders are simply not in my life any longer. No apologies. I do what I must for my mental health.

I would just tell her to shove it, quite frankly. Sounds like she needs to hear that.

Could you enlist your parents or other siblings? They will miss you if you are driven away permanently.

You are not a doormat. No one deserves verbal abuse. Hugs to you.
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Old 12-18-2006, 07:38 PM   #5
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Hee hee. Looks like you got some good advice all at once!
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Old 12-18-2006, 07:48 PM   #6
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Look her up and down, from head to toe, and then straight back in her eyes and say..."baby, you ain't missing no meals, either." I said that to someone at the grocery store and their mouth fell open.
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Old 12-18-2006, 09:56 PM   #7
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Bookworm, you made me laugh!
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Old 12-18-2006, 11:40 PM   #8
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HAHA! I am not a mean person; in fact, I'm quite passive. The one thing that makes me go from sweet to ***** in .2 seconds is someone commenting about my back 40. Even if her sister isn't fat, the mere act of insinuating that her thin sister just MIGHT be a bit big will do wonders messing with her mind.

People like her keep on and keep on hounding people because they know they can get away with it. The last thing she expects to happen is to be called on her insults.
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Old 12-19-2006, 12:13 AM   #9
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What have you tried in the past? I would put her in her place so fast her head would spin....and then I would cut her loose....one of my motto's in life is..."You get what you put up with"...I have been overweight in one degree or another for most of my adult life and no one has ever made a rude comment to me about it...I wouldn't put up with that anymore than I would put up with any other form of rudeness...when you really have gotten over it...it will no longer have the desired effect....it doesn't sound like she is a very positive energy in your life....good luck and happy holidays! Let us know what you do to deal with your situation!

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Old 12-19-2006, 04:18 AM   #10
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I have to agree with Bookworm!!!! Most people who do this do it because they feel awful about themselves, by making them take a look at them self really makes them think about the verbal garbage that is coming out of their mouths.

But I do agree with the other ladies here, to keep going to see your family. Don't let what your sister says stop you from "living". Don't give her that kind of "power". Everytime she says something negative, just laugh or just start talking about something else your really positive about, heck maybe even ask her if she would like to join you for a workout or a walk!!!!

All in all, Keep going girlie and Kick some Booty!

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Old 12-19-2006, 10:03 AM   #11
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I agree...you get what you put up with. I have always said the same thing, but in a different way:

People will treat you how you LET them treat you.

She makes these comments, because you let her. You have to turn it back on her.

For instance, a few years ago, my grandfather made a comment about my grandmothers weight...something to the effect of how she didn't look like that when he married her. She smiled, and said "When I married YOU, you still had hair, AND your own teeth."

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Old 12-19-2006, 04:55 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aphil View Post

For instance, a few years ago, my grandfather made a comment about my grandmothers weight...something to the effect of how she didn't look like that when he married her. She smiled, and said "When I married YOU, you still had hair, AND your own teeth."

LOL. haha.


I'm sure your sister is in no way perfect, and by trying to make you feel bad by making rude comments she is only trying to raise her own profile. You're probably right about her feeling superior because of her weightloss.

If it was my sister I would tell her to shutup and stop being so rude. Try and make her see that you don't care what she has to say (even if you do).

At the end of the day though you can't control what she wants to say or do, so be strong and ignore her comments. They're probbaly a load of rubbish anyway.

x
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Old 12-19-2006, 05:17 PM   #13
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I have learned with family the hard way and at a young age to not take crap. If she starts saying things, tell her that you don't wish to speak to arrogant people. Tell her that attacking you might make her feel better for the moment but in the long run she is only hurting herself. I am usually a "tell them how you feel, explain things, sit down and talk" kind of person but when it comes to years of this type of abuse. There shouldn't be any sweet talking. Get down to the point. Good luck! Maybe she won't this year, but if she is still mean, give it to her good.
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Old 12-19-2006, 08:48 PM   #14
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Quote:
For instance, a few years ago, my grandfather made a comment about my grandmothers weight...something to the effect of how she didn't look like that when he married her. She smiled, and said "When I married YOU, you still had hair, AND your own teeth."
That is hilarious! WTG Grandma!
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Old 12-19-2006, 10:36 PM   #15
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the fact that she abused you when you were size 10 and the fact that the arguments were heated...I would avoid saying anything like "shut up" or anything that indicates that what she says bothers you. It sounds like she is looking to pick a fight.

I would say to her once, very calmly and NOT in response to an insult ..initiate the conversation if you can...that you will NOT put up with verbal abuse from anyone anymore. And then just tune her out. Ignore her when she calls you names...walk away...dont hear her, dont respond dont play her game.
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