When will I feel "thin enough"? (Warning, this is a rant)

[lackadaisy]

I keep doing this -- falling off the wagon about coming to 3FC and being responsible about weight loss, that is.

Instead, I let myself stress out about it, check myself daily in the mirror (but not the scale; I left my scale at home and am in a scale-less phase which drives me nuts), become vain and despairing in turns, guesstimate calories and feel terrible about how much I think I'm eating...

I don't know how much I weigh right now. My waist measurements have gone down a LOT -- from ~27/28 this January to 24.5 right now -- and my muscle tone is good, and I feel smaller most of the time, especially in the morning -- but at other times, I feel huge & dumpy & absolutely awful. I know I should be considered more-or-less "thin" and "fit" by now, but I don't feel it. I hate that.

It's like even if I figure out how to eat better and exercise all the time (I've been commuting to work by bike, ~90 minutes a day), I still feel "fat" when I see myself in the mirror.

Anyway, I'm back at 3FC because I am sick and tired of feeling out of control of my weight. I need to buy a scale, face up to the number, go back to goal-setting and stop thinking about my size as a battle. But it's so hard to keep control and do these things. I feel like I'm battling anorexia and falling-off-the-wagon-into-binging at the same time, and obviously neither of these is a good thing... and I'm tired of feeling deprived... and I don't even calorie-count anymore.

UGH. Thanks for tolerating my rant, girls -- you've always been amazing, and I remembered that even while away in my dark place

[Ilene]

back... We're here to help you...

[skinnyelle39]

Hi lackadaisy Ive been thinking about you from time to time in the absence of your posts. Im sorry to read about you struggling so much. Weight loss and trying to develop a healthy relationship with food and healthy body image can be so daunting. Especially when its seems like it will never be enough. As you know, you always have a ton of support here as everyone is going through the same struggle.

I dont know how to help you out but I hope that you are able to find a sense of normalcy and control again. But identifying that you have an issue is of course the first step. Welcome back! It will be ok

[fitmom]

I can identify with a lot of what you said. My TOM is right around the corner and I feel so fat the last few days. I just try to remember that it's temporary (the feelings) and it too will pass, so to speak. I think self-acceptance is a lifelong thing for most of us. Heck, it took me almost to the age of forty to finally be happy with the way I look for the most part. The important thing is that you're here now. Remember, with knowledge comes power. Knowing your weight is a good starting point but it's not the end-all be-all.

[krampus]

I've been thinking and wondering about you too. I don't have any wisdom for you but I suspect your thinking is such that you will never feel "thin enough" - so that might not be a basis to go by. 24.5 inch waist is GREAT though, and all that exercise too.

Unless a lot has changed you're still probably a bit of an overachiever/perfectionist, and are tempted to return to lots of numbers and measurements and things. I think it might be healthy for you to eliminate numbers and exact figures from your daily life for a while though...calorie counting and weigh-ins may aid the obsession. You might feel out of control and freaked out by the "uncertainty" but I think it would be a good thing for you.

Either way, no matter what you choose to do, I hope you feel comfortable with yourself and happy soon, because life is too short to blow suffering from dysmorphic crappy self-image (yes I am suggesting that you are teeny and "really" thin ^_^)!

[lackadaisy]

Thanks everyone for the support . I think it's the not- knowing that has driven me crazy--I will have to go to the gym later today, find out my actual weight, and start tracking calories again to feel rational and accepting of my size, I think. I'm happy about how much I can do physically now -- biking or walking everywhere, walking up DC's absurd metro escalators -- so I guess i can face up to any number.

The problem is that when I see myself in the mirror, I still think i look huge -- square -- and I suspect the reason is half because of my frame and half because of my skewed body image. I guess it's that body acceptance thing -- being okay with my frame shape/size -- that still eludes me.

Hopefully that will slowly change. Thanks again for the support

[neurodoc]

I have two strong recommendations for you: Why Weight, and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, both by Geneen Roth. The first is more of a workbook, the second discusses her approach and theories. Your post precisely describes the problem that she addresses and treats. Take a look at the books on Amazon and see what you think. Good luck!

[RummyMcGin]

I understand completely. but i have come to realise that there is a big difference between feeling fat and being fat. and most of the time i just feel fat. i find sometimes it helps to remind myself of when i think i look ok and then logic it out that i can't look much different than that so i must still look ok!

it's hard though, and i do spend a lot of time hating the way i look and obsessing over the squidgy bits.