You do not need to lose weight but you need to see a therapist, one who is familiar with eating disorders and if possible a group support system of others with eating disorders.
You did mention things about excersise and my weight "resorting" itself out. I think the hardest thing for me is that I did plateu at 130, and I had the same measurements as my "healthy" measurements after leaving impatient care for anorexia...
So even though I'm twenty pounds heavier than the weight they forced on me, my body is the same shape exactly. And it just makes me think that.... the reason I feel so fat is I want the number on the scale to be lower. I know weight is more than just a number, but I cant help but want it to be lower. Knowing I am forty pounds heavier than I once was is tremendously scarry and makes me feel like a failure. I know I wasn't healthy at 90 pounds, but i worked so hard to get there... and i feel like i just let myself go. You know?
And thanks for taking the time and energy to respond.
Get help. You are going to slowly commit suicide by not lifting your fork with food to your mouth. Find something else to turn your efforts to. Losing weight to an unhealthy weight is not something anyone should want to do. You've already been hospitalized once for this, do you want to go back? It's your body and you can do what you want with it, but when your unhealthy behaviors result in hospitalization, we are all paying for it in higher insurance programs and taxes. You will never be healthy until you can accept yourself at a normal weight.
I'm honestly not quite sure how to respond. Its defenetly a look at it from an outsiders point of view, and I enjoy and value seeing that as my mind is so distorted. Perhaps gettnig help is the way to go, but im scared of getting help and addressing my eating disorder rather than just loosing the weight. I also feel like I wont be taken seriously by treatment providers and other members of my family/friends (i would rely on them for transportaiton) as I am a normal weight and completely keep this and all my behaviors to myself. Its scarry you know?
I am by no means suicidal. And part of the reason I've been seeking out support in weight loss such as a forum is I want to do this the right, or relativly almost normal... way. My body has reached a lot of its limitations. Sometimes its hard for me to workout without being in extreme pain after. My body is damaged and it cant take very much. It leaves me feeling very stuck
I know purging is not condoned here, but I just want to say... today I attempted purging (not proud of it... bad day) and even after years of not doing it more than once a month....i was crying in pain afterward. I can't imagine how I would feel or what it would do to my body if I relapsed full swing into purging.
I want to lose weight, but I want to be safe about it. And it will be so so so so hard to keep that medium.
Part of the reason I don't want therapy is because I want to lose weight. In a way I don't want to be stopped. I'm finally moving out and I've wanted to take this weight off for years and be able to just do that for years without being judged for it. Now is the time I can do that. However I don't want the eating disorder if that makes sense... but if im being treated for an eating disorder they wont let me lose weight. Ugh.
I'm not even sure what I want
And for the record, both hospitilizations came out of insurance (thank god). I never ever ever want to be hospitalized for this, or hurt anyone the way i did, or loose quality life to it again. I DONT WANT AN EATING DISORDER. Its miserable. I just want to lose weight.
but yeah, i mean. I don't think Id benifit from being hospitalized agian. The times I was hospitalized I was so new to recovery and it helped me so much, gave me a whole new set of coping skills...and just really helped me get my life on track. Now I have those tools forever and I can use them whenever I like. As much as I hated the hospital, if I could go back and change it...I wouldn't because my life wouldn't be how awesome and positive it is right now if it wern't for the help I got.
I wish I could accept my normal weight, I really do... and maybe there is some kind of underlying problmem as to why I cant... but I don't understanad the harm in loosing weight if I stop respectively and don't purge or starve, or overexcersise...and keep my calorie counting just at meal times.
Maybe I'm not getting something?
I don't mean to be mean or aggrivating, I'm just upset with myself for feeling so stuck in this. Please don't take it as attitude
For the record I want to thank you for reading and using time and energy to respond. It means a lot
Anorexia is a disease with a very high death rate, that's why we're worried. The deaths aren't all suicides either. Remember that if someone who is chronically malnourished gets another medical problem, the malnourishment can worsen it to the point that something that should be easy to treat becomes something life-threatening.
You can say that you don't want an eating disorder, but you already have an eating disorder, and you are wanting to lose weight despite being at a healthy weight already. Yes, that's harmful.
esophia
You've defenetlly reminded me just how flawed my logic is. Actually something happened last night and this morning that kind of reminded me that i really might be struggling...
when I was very malnourished and underweight i used to have dreams I was gorging on bigmacs, brownies, cakes etc. Because my body was so deprived of fat and carbs. I had one of those dreams last night....
Now I'm in a point in my recovery where I just eat the food and deal with the feelings. Its become second nature to just do whats right for my body and deal with the eating disorder... but what wasn't so good is my body was craving the fat. I ended up having like three servings of chips. After that I forced myself to have a balanced breakfast.... then i wanted to purge. I didn't purge.
Now its like lunch time and I'm craving the fatty foods all over again. I feel so hungry and its probabbly from all this weight loss foolishness. *sigh*
Last edited by catostrophix; 06-14-2011 at 12:17 PM.
My family and friends don't condone my loosng weight and I feel like if I tell them how disgusting I feel they won't believe it. I kind of don't think I'll ever be able to accept my body, but if I'm at a low weight I might kind of be able to think along the lines of "well ive done all I could". So I don't know.
Part of the eating disorder is a distorted perception of yourself. You are at a normal... Possibly low weight for your height at 5'3" depending on your frame size and body make up. You have been hospitalized for this illness twice in the past. Recovery is a lifetime process- you are not better just because your stay at the hospital is over, sorry to tell you. I work with the severely mentally ill and they decomp and go to the hospital, which is worse than normal for them- but once they get out and reach their baseline, they still have to take meds, attend doctor appointments, go to therapy. The fact that you are posting about this says that you know something is not right. I think you need to seek a therapist immediately. I know you may not want to hear this but you are in danger. I do not think you should attempt to lose weight at this point in time. I highly recommend that you seek counseling and treatment for an eating disorder right away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by catostrophix
I'm thinking along the lines of like "if i get to that low weight than I know its defenetlly a body image issue" or something.
You have a body image right now. You need to get professional help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by catostrophix
Part of the reason I don't want therapy is because I want to lose weight. In a way I don't want to be stopped...if im being treated for an eating disorder they wont let me lose weight. Ugh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by catostrophix
today I attempted purging
You do not want to seek treatment because you know they will not allow you to lose weight (at least they will not condone it). This is like a heroin addict not wanting to go to a methadone clinic for treatment because they won't give him the heroin anymore- where is the difference?? Your body image is NOT healthy. You do NOT want an eating disorder-- SO YOU CAN LOSE WEIGHT. Perhaps if you did not have an eating disorder, losing weight when already at a normal weight would not be such an OBSESSION for you. Unfortunately, this may be a struggle for you for some time. You are participating in dangerous behaviors- such as purging and a starvation diet (500 calories or less). What makes you think weighing 110 lbs will be enough? Perhaps then you will want to be 100 lbs? Then 90 lbs? Your body image and thought process at this point in time is clearly distorted. The fact you have self harmed makes me think there is possibly another issue at hand as well but you do not give enough information here to make any other determination.
You need to find a therapist and treatment facility near you. I agree with whoever suggested a peer support group. As someone who personally struggles with a personality disorder *ahem* I know how it feels for no one in your family to get you or even friends, boyfriends... It is a personal struggle. This is why you need a professional who understands, who wants to help you, who is knowledgeable, who will not judge you. A peer support group of others with similar struggles will also help (sort of like this website ). Seeking help can be scary, but these people are really there because they really want to help!!
Please take care of yourself.
P.S. I see I am almost a week late for this discussion.... But I really think this is very important and I had to step in and say something. I hope you are doing okay and have attempted to find support and help.
Thank you so much for the caring, thoughtful, and informative response. I commend you for working in mental health; special people do this...and it makes a difference in peoples lives for sure. You know i totally relate to what you said about it being a normal occurance for people with mental health problems to be in and out of hospitals...and always going to appointments. Luckilly, i have past this point in recovery...but i feel i might have to revisit some of my appoints...probabbly not as intensely, but i admit i do need the support.
In the past 110 pounds has gone to 100 and 100 has gone to 90..and when i was 90lbs i wanted to be 85. I can see how slippery that slope can be when i think in a logical mindframe; and its scarry. Me, my family, and my friends...dont need this. But for some reason its so appealing.
And yeah... i understand that not wanting treatment becuase it will get in the way of weightloss is an eating disorder behavior. Deep down i know i cant be doing this to myself, i have way to many other exciting things to do in life then be stuck in hospitals... then going out. loosing weight, and repeating. That is such a waste of time and of life, but i cant help but turn to this familiar coping mechanism whenever it seems fit. And i feel like im screaming inside, trying to save myself...but theres a reason this has come up for me. And im scared of how to handle my anxietys (that are obviously there) without the coping mechanism... I feel like people wouldn't take me seriously if i were to vent...
I'm going to try my best and get help. I know i can do it...thanks so much for this responce
Last edited by catostrophix; 06-25-2011 at 09:22 AM.
I just wanted to offer the perspective of someone who sort of knows what you're going through. My eating-disordered behavior never reached the point that yours did, but I have struggled with dangerously negative thoughts ("I don't deserve food") and near-breakdowns during attempts at eating almost nothing.
I first want to say that I admire your strength and bravery for coming as far as you have - that is incredible! Secondly, I know how it feels to want to lose weight, but to wonder if it's right, or to be afraid that you'll start out doing it the healthy way, but eventually relapse into old habits.
It's not necessarily wrong that you want to lose weight, but you have to ask yourself why. Is it really about your body? Or are there other things going on in your life? You said yourself that you feel sometimes as though you just want the lower number on the scale. In that case, for you, I would say that now is not a good time to lose weight, and I would recommend checking back in with a doctor. You know better than anyone here that it is important to catch these things before they spiral out of control.
Please do what you need to do to be well. Your hard work is inspiring, and college really is an awesome experience to look forward to!
I remember being your age & going through similar struggles. At the time, I remember thinking that there was no better feeling on earth than seeing the number on the scales go down. I loved it when people told me, "You've lost weight!" - If anyone told me anything I didn't want to hear, about my ever decreasing waistline, (19 inches at one time!!), I would tell myself, they were jealous & just out to sabotage me. I was resistant & wouldn't believe anything apart from the fixed beliefs I had inside my head, & the distorted views I saw in the mirror ... such is the nature of the beast
I am now 45 years old. I have lived a very sad & lonely life, consisting mainly, of me & my eating disorder. Together, we managed to chase, almost, everybody & anybody, who got too close, away.
I progressed from being anorexic to being bulimic, to, recently, giving up completely & turning into my worst nightmare, now being 253lb/18stone/113kg.
In my 20's & 30's I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis & I also, started to lose my teeth. I have suffered a miscarriage too - something that still haunts me to this day - all possibly due to the self abuse of my body
I really hope you do/are doing something about this now. Do not let this horrific affliction eat away at another 30 years of your life, like I did ... or even worse!
Finding a good therapist is the key. I never progressed with anybody I didn't trust or respect. Also, it must be your decision. If you are not fully ready to accept that you are ill & truly want to get better, the resistance will still be there.
Yes, anyone can be forced to go through the motions, but unless they are prepared to do the work themselves, for themselves, the cycle will begin again, as soon as they are left to their own, manipulative & deceitful devices ... yes, when gripped with this disease, secrets & lies become par for the course. Anything to keep up the facade of normality!
I hope telling you, about my struggle, helps. Of course, I know this is a complex disease & there is so much more that I could say. I have met many people, who suffer from eating disorders, & each & every one of them was beautiful, kind, caring, intelligent but, most of all very, very, sad ....
Success and happiness are not matters of chance but choice. Let us both choose to succeed at this & be happy
Bargoo and quilter 
). Seeking help can be scary, but these people are really there because they really want to help!! 
But I really think this is very important and I had to step in and say something. I hope you are doing okay and have attempted to find support and help. 
