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This may sound depressing...but if it were meant to be, it probably would have already taken place. Not in a foofy, "destiny" sort of way but in a very practical one.
Let me explain: If you two really wanted, deep down, to be together in a "relationship" sort of way, then it would have happened. You would not, for one thing, have lost touch at all. The U.S. Post Office was in full effect ten years ago. And the internet was coming into full bloom, and that's free.
I too had a relationship that came back, sort of, 10 years later. Now, the difference is that we weren't just friends with undertones, but it was a whole-nine-yards kind of thing. Stupid stuff got in the way. Well, 10 years later I got an e-mail from him. He had been searching for me "all that time," even through a marriage, a divorce, a son, etc. Well, you know what? In that time...nothing truly changed. He was still him, and I was still me, and even though we could have come sooooooooooooo close, that one little bit was missing. I don't know what that little bit WAS...just that it was missing. Something somehow did not click in the final analysis.
It sounds cliche, but sadly, it's true: sometimes love ISN'T enough. And most of us have that one person who we always think "what if?"...but once reality rears its ugly head, it falls flat. Like your friend having access to you now by phone, e-mail and even visiting, but he just can't seem to pull his own weight with his end of the relationship (as friends or whatever it may be).
I'm sorry to be such a downer, but I've been there and I totally understand. There is just always that one relationship (friends and/or more) that never works out, and as many times as you say "what if," the answer to that really is staring you in the face already. There was plenty of opportunity for the two of you to be together as more than friends, before you were married. And even after you were both married, there surely was plenty of opportunity to be together as just friends. It didn't happen. More recently, you were in touch again but you can see that he's flaked yet again. That's his pattern, hon. And that's that. I am so sorry.
but I hid it from everyone, because everyone would have teased me about it, because I did have a "thing" for this best friend of mine...
That says it all to me. Don't call him. I am sure your husband is a good man and is trying to be supportive of you, but no doubt there is a part of him that is wondering if your friendship with this guy is all that healthy of a thing. I know you say your friend's wife of 10 years was verbally abusive to him, but even so, if my husband was spending a lot of time talking to and emailing another woman I would get suspicious. That could NOT have been helpful to their marriage. Wait to hear from him, but even if you don't, you can still hang on to the fond memories you have of him.
, I have his cell phone number, but I'm afraid to phone him....because I'm not really supposed to...
You know, this just caught my eye. I'm wondering: How come? If it's a just-friends thing, what would be bad about you calling on his cell phone? Or is it about the phone rates or something? Not a big deal, just curious.
Also...I was thinking about the soon-to-be-ex wife thing. Your friend is saying she was emotionally abusive. I don't usually like to disbelieve stories of abuse, because they should be taken seriously, but think about how he has flaked on you so many times...he disappeared for ten YEARS, hon..then you only got back in touch b/c you sought him out on the net, and now he's flaking yet again. Is it just possible he was flaky with her too? There is NO excuse for abuse, I'm not saying there is, but what if...just what if...he was distant with her too, expected her (as he seems to expect you) to keep up the conversations, keep things going, try and try to get his attention? I know that would make ME start screaming and throwing fits. (And probably, after years of it, leave.)
I don't know...something about this story is just poking me in the gut going, "Investigate this further..." I mean I don't want to be butting in, I swear, but I've been intrigued with this story since I first read about it from your post.
And as for her blaming it on you...who told you that? Him? If so...WHY would he put guilt like that on you? Is that fair? There would have to be a reason...wouldn't there? Could he have been testing the waters to see what you'd say? Could he be sensing your inner feelings and that's why he's backing off? Just a thought.
Personally....if it were me...at this point I'd be disgusted with how much work I'd had to put into this friendship, and wouldn't call again.
Thanks for the advice and all, but it's an old post, I've dealt with the situation already..... and have moved forward....old news.... but thanks for caring enough to respond....
I know it is an old thread, and i'm wondering how you dealt with this! I know i'm young (only 19), but i've been dating this guy for three years, and our relationship is pretty serious. So i've got this "best friend" who's a guy, who has lately become a very close dear friend. For valentines day, though, he went all-out with gifts, cards, and it really made it clear to me his feelings for me.
I stopped talking with him for a while, and i could not accept his gifts, because I knew he wanted a relationship, and I did not want either of us to get hurt. My relationship with my boyfriend was more important than the friendship. I did not have feelings for this other guy.
Time came and went, and the friend started talking with me again. Feelings I never had for him creeped in this time around-- we all know what that's like. He says that right stuff at the right time, and I also feel like we connect on this level that I have not connected with anyone else on. But I LOVE some of the posts on this thread-- like how the "grass is always greener..." or "dont go for the ones you like when you have who you love". I totally understand that. I'm thus trying to distance myself-- wean him off of me... and myself off his sweet talk.
This guy friend occasionally gets depressed, though, and I get afraid for him-- there is a part of me that cares. I would hope he is not manipulating me. Do i give him the "aww poor friend" attention that he probably could use? Would this hurt him more in the long run? How do I deal with him? Should I just stop talking with him... or is there a way we can talk?
I had a best friend for years. He was a guy and he was the one that I went to for everything. I truly did not feel anything romantic for him and he truly did not feel anything romantic for me. He was in the wedding party of my first wedding, I was in the wedding party of his. We lasted through countless boyfriends and girlfriends before that all just as friends and never anything more. He was the one constant in my life. He was the one that was always there. At times he picked me up and at times I picked him up. After he had been married for 6 months he was killed in a terrible car accident. It has now been 7 years, I still miss him, I still pain for him. But he is still my dear friend. I love him, but as a friend would love someone. I still go to his grave every memorial day, every birthday, and every death day. I still visit his parents, I still see his wife. You see this man was my friend, that is all he ever was and all that even if he had lived he would ever be.
Now on that also, I went through a terrible divorce a couple of years later and I had a guy friend help me through a lot of it. We were just friends but once I was free and through all of my junk we started dating and now I am married to the other best friend that I ever had. These friendships can go either way. There is nothing like being married to the man you love and having him be your best friend.
The first friend I would have never married the second I would marry again in a heartbeat.
You need to evaluate each situation. But do not let anyone tell you that men and woman can not be just friends, because in some cases that is all they are meant to be, but in some cases they are meant to be more.
Trish I am dearly sorry for your loss, that must have been one tough hardship for you. I'm also very sorry to hear your divorce was a terrible one-- it sounds like you went through some rough times.
I'm glad you pulled through it so beautifully, and that you followed your heart to the friend you married. You sound like a very strong woman, and I'm glad to see a response from someone like you!
It's interesting to hear an opinion from the other end of the spectrum-- lots of posts in this thread say "steer clear of the 'wounded guy friend'" or to pretty much walk on eggshells with male friends. If this guy friend of mine, God forbid, were to die tomorrow, I too would pain for him-- as i said, part of me certainly cares.
My situation is a bit different, however, because my friend is single, and has nobody to share his romantic feelings with... his feelings will always get in the way. I don't want to share too much about this over the internet, as he's a chat forum type of person-- but i do certainly value your advice.
Thanks so much for sharing with me your story-- I will take from it that male friends are not something to steer clear from-- and not to take friends for granted. This one in particular though is a bit of a different story. Stay strong, Trish-- you are very much in control of your life, and quite the role model.
Christine
Last edited by Christine1128; 06-25-2006 at 03:00 AM.
I had a really, really, REALLY great friend - just a friend, no more, as I completely adore my loving husband. I met my male friend at work, and he, my husband, and I, along with several other friends from work used to go out. Well, my friend (I'll call him John), met a girl (I'll call her Jane), introduced her to me and my husband, and we would hang out together. BUT, it turned out that Jane, for whatever reason, was totally insecure with John having a female friend from work. John would be really friendly at work, and we would go to lunch together (often with my husband, but always with my husband's knowledge), but after work, he and Jane would avoid me and my husband. Finally, when he was leaving the city we were living in for another job opportunity across the country, my husband and I invited both of them over for a farewell. I went out and bought them a really nice stained glass piece made by a local artist and a card to both of them signed by both of us. They never showed up. So, I called John, and he said that Jane "didn't feel like coming over", so he wouldn't come over. I haven't heard from him since. SO:
1. You CAN have a platonic friendship with a guy (I've had another great friendship with a high-school guy, who participated in my wedding and asked me to participate in his, and I've known him for 24 years AND it has always been a friendship AND I really, really like his wife and three kids...)
2. It takes TWO to make a friendship.
3. If your friend wants to get in touch, he will. If he doesn't, for whatever reason, respect that and move on.
4. BUT, your BEST friend should be your husband, and he absolutely must come first.
Why not give this relationship a bit of a break, and wait and see what happens. He's probably doing better than you think and doesn't want to contact ANYONE at the moment. Respect his distance!
Thanks for the kind words Christine. I just wanted to let you know my take, I also understand what it is like to have a friend sapp everything out of you. So it is probably good that you realized it and are moving on. Sometimes that is easier said than done, so good luck.
I mean I don't want to be butting in, I swear, but I've been intrigued with this story since I first read about it from your post.
