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Wow, this is such an appropriate thread for me right now...
I am visiting the board after a 2 month hiatus(sp). My first instinct on seeing this poll was to vote the second answer, "yes, some".
After giving it some thought, I have to amend that, because in reality, I can't think of even one time when I resented a thin person that I didn't already know and dislike for reasons OTHER than their weight (tho their size probably added insult to injury). It is people who are cruel and conceited that irk me, regardless of size.
As to my knee-jerk reaction: quite often, thin people trigger a sense of...something close to *panic* in me. Probably from years of being a chubby kid who also dressed poorly (I was a late bloomer), was rather homely, very socially awkward and shy (though you couldnt get me to shut up when i with people i was comfortable with); I became a target of bullying from literally my entire classes from the 4th grade till around 10th grade. I switched schools a LOT and each transfer proved worse than the last. I had had issues to begin with, and those years of **** changed me fundamentally. I never fit in after that either, but my body size was more normal and I dressed *slightly* better, so I was able to "blend" a little better. Fast forward several years, and, I have never outgrown being the outcast. I am actually pretty sure that I have a mild to moderate case of social anxiety disorder. So, with all of that factored in, it's probably not a big surprise that until a get to know them a bit, I feel EXTREMELY self-conscious around thin people. Sometimes I think I resent the fact that many people can be thin with no effort and they are cruel and thoughtless to others who have to work at it. I can totally relate to what another poster said about very thin friends who roll their eyes and get patronizing when I'm trying to watch what I eat, or can't join them because I absolutely MUST make time to exercise.
It's after 4am here and I don't remember where I was going with this, so, please forgive me for the thread hijack (wait. does this count as a thread hijack?) and the garbled ranting.
Nice to "see" so many familiar faces, and I hope to get to know some of the new[er] ones as well
Lilith, I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in what you experienced through school. I had a very similar experience. I was very thin back then, though, not overweight. We were very poor and our clothes showed it. I never felt I fit in, but always had a small group of friends. I was very often the target of being made fun of and being the outcast. It is hard to get over that feeling. To a degree I have gotten over it, but there are situations where I still feel that way. I still don't want to speak in front of a group of people, even if I feel I have something of value to say. And I do still have some social anxiety as well, although at 38, I am finally getting over it pretty well. I just wanted to say, I know where you're coming from!
After reading this -- and I'm glad that I trampled through all 3 pages!!
I'm impressed by the honesty and also the negative reactions to it!
For me, I tend to resent 'lifestyles' rather than individual people (for example, I resent a strongly consumeristic, wasteful lifestyle).
But I think that it's good for people to admit if they resent, hate, dislike, are jealous of, etc. other people based solely on their weight. It's good to see what bias you carry around with you, and it's good to be able to be honest with yourself. Admitting this and recognizing it, I think, does no harm... AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T EFFECT YOUR ACTIONS!
I mean, I don't think that anyone on this thread implied that they hate skinny people and that's okay, reasonable, or legitimate reaction. I think the point of this was just the opposite -- to bring it up and realize that it's -not- reasonable. It's hard to change the way you -think-, but I think writing about it here -- in a 'safe zone' -- of sorts is a good first step to recognizing it.
Once it is recognized, then the next time you're at the store buying groceries and the woman in front of you is -gorgeous- and you start thinking a little nasty thoughts toward her, you might be able to catch yourself and reason, "Gosh, Self, this is unfair." and after a while maybe you'll stop thinking it at all.
So yes, resenting a stranger b/c of their appearance isn't really reasonable, as long as you dont' act in a way to support your resentment, and as long as you -realize- that it's unreasonable... then it might change.
I think that's a great point PhysDom, there are so many little predjudices that we've all picked up from one place or another, and a lot of the time we don't even realize they're there. It's good to be made aware of them I think.
I wonder sometimes what people think (if people think anything) when they see me stop by the european grocery and stock up on my french dark chocolate. I usually buy 2 big bars at a time and maybe some short bread cookies for my husband. I'm a normal weight now, so are there women glaring at me thinking that I don't have to watch what I eat? (Not realizing that my chocolate is going to last me a month at least)
I know I'm chiming in a little late here, but I have to agree with what's been said previously -- resenting or disliking someone for their size is more an issue of how you feel about yourself than it ever is about how you feel about them, especially when you're talking about that first gut feeling you get before you even know the person.
Example:
Someone who is overweight looks at someone who is average or thin and thin and feels resentful. Why? It's not because the average/thin person did anything. They're just existing. I had one situation in which I felt a bit jealous/resentful about a new coworker back when I was weighing in at 247 on a 5'4" frame. She was 4'11" and slim for her height -- in fact she looked like a 10-year old even after having four children, and she had one of those bright and bubbly personalities that many people are drawn to. I kept a distance for a while, but then realized that the reason I was doing that was because I perceived her as being everything I wanted to be but wasn't, and I resented that I couldn't be the person that she was. My feelings were never about her, but it took me some time to see that. After I realized that, we actually became good friends. I still occasionally felt like a giant standing next to her, but neither of us really cared.
Example:
Someone who is thin/average and looks down on someone who is overweight without having any clue about that person. Why? Maybe because somewhere deep down, they have their own issues they're dealing with -- maybe they have a little body image issue of their own, and the "bigness" of an overweight person makes them fear becoming overweight as well...maybe they see an overweight person struggle with someone as simple (to them) as climbing a few flights of stairs and realize that they never want to be in that position themselves. Maybe they have been teased for being fat even when they weren't, and rather than examine those feelings caused by such an event, they project them outward onto the unfortunate person passing them by?
And if you're someone who believes there's "size-ism" out there, believes it's wrong, and have perhaps experienced the pain and humiliation of it yourself, why would it be okay to be "size-ist" toward a thin person? It's a two-way street.
For what it's worth, I'm a size 6 and I still resent thin women. I resented them when I was 120 lbs in high school, I resented them when I weighed nearly 200 lbs a few years ago, and I resent them now. I have always resented anyone whom I perceive to be prettier, curvier, smarter, more talented, and more confident than I am. That is a large percentage of the world's population. It even includes my husband's sister, as she has all of those qualities. For a long time I struggled with jealousy of her, especially when I was overweight. It's better now but has not gone away completely.
This isn't to judge anyone in any way - I just mean that for me, like others have said, it's all about the fundamental insecurities I've always had, and will probably have until the day I die.
Lilith, I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in what you experienced through school. I had a very similar experience. ......
Lesley
Lesley, thankyou so much for the encouraging words! They really mean a lot. Your experience really does sound quite similar to mine. It's good to know that even though I *feel* completely out of place at times, I'm not alone and there are others out there who can empathize.
To PhysDom and Tani: I totally agree with your posts. I think the best way to begin overcoming our personal prejudices is to have a "safe" place to discover, acknowledge, and really examine them, without fear of harsh judgement or criticism. And once we acknowledge those feelings we can really take an active role in changing our thought patterns and making sure our behaviour doesn't reflect our [temporarily] skewed perceptions.
Much thanks to-- oh, shoot-- was it Joan? for starting this thread. It's so nice to have a discussion that I, for one, have found quite enlightening and therapeutic, without wondering how much of it my insurance will cover
Resent? YES!! Hate? Well, my four-year-old son would severly chastise me for using that word, so I'll say, 'strongly dislike' thin, beautiful people only if they are rude and above-it-all. But, that holds true for many, many people in my town...95% of which are much larger than I am...
for instance...there is a woman in town here that is excruciatingly pretty. So much so that my husband was on jury duty with her and, knowing my insecurities with myself, he asked me...'What do you think of her?' (he was testing me to see if I'd be so shallow as to say, "Oh, I hate her, she's so pretty!) and I said, I hate her because she's so pretty, but underneath it all, she's really super nice and I like her a lot...one of the few people in town that says hello to me!' Seriously, this lady has the toned arms, always seems to have a tan, wears all the trendy clothes, after two kids, she still has the flat stomach of a supermodel...even when she brings her son to preschool (her son and my son are in the same class) in her sweats and acts all like she's hoping nobody notices she's not looking up to par, she's still dead-on attractive. But, at the end of the day, she's one of the few people that have always waved at me from across the street and says hello to me and remembers my name and THAT is a way more important thing to judge someone on than their looks or lack thereof. Attractiveness is far more brilliant when it comes from within. Am I jealous or restful of her looks? You betcha! But I still like her and think she's A-OK anyways.
In the last year or so I've felt so helpless about my battle with weight and my self-loathing has grown. I haven't had any seething or lingering resentment or jealousy toward anyone. I have caught myself thinking momentary, sarcastic thoughts about someone I might see who has a cute little bod. I always recognize quickly that in spite of my thoughts, I'm not really resenting her, I'm resenting ME. (By sarcastic thought I mean, "Wow, what a tiny body, how very nice for you." )
I'm glad this subject was brought up. There's a lot of healing to do inside as well as outside.
I just read this quote tonight and it made me think back to this thread:
~Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle~
When I was 17, I weighed a whopping 125 lbs. My measurements were 36-26-36. My dear loving father made comments to me that I had a fat a$$ and I should try to lose weight like my step sisters who weighed around 100 lbs each and are both small boned. My favorite step sister who is the smallest of the two, told my dad to shut up, that she would give anything to be able to have a figure like mine. I have loved her ever since....... I have watched her struggle to try to gain weight unsuccessfully and have snippy comments made to her that she should eat something. I have gained many pounds since then and she still loves me just the way I am just like I love her without her gaining a pound....
No, I have worked hard to BE a thin woman and I more or less am, well, not really, but obviously I would not hate something I have aspired to be. Oddly enough I have kind of lost the close friendship of one or two people who haven't been successful in weight loss because I am thinner now. I have been told (by those who are still overweight) I am too thin (which is crazy 'cause I'm still over my ideal weight), skinny, wrinkled, getting sick, skin and bones ... etc. ... when demonstrably I am not any of these things.
So, there does seem to be some resentment on some people's parts regarding people who have successfully lost weight. This tends to make me feel resentment back ... which is not good either.
Too bad we have to judge others by their size ... whether heavy or thin ... we're all just people.
So, there does seem to be some resentment on some people's parts regarding people who have successfully lost weight.
There is just something so screwed up and sad about our society (in general) that people who have been successful at something -- not just weight loss -- can become targets of other people's resentment. JUST for being successful. And yet, everyone wants to be successful at SOMETHING. I just find it so ironic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amarantha
I have worked hard to BE a thin woman and I more or less am...
Exactly. You have WORKED HARD. You should be ADMIRED for that, not resented.
Hi Lilith!
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