OK, I am felling really bad at the moment.
I just want to tell my story (it's not exciting), maybe that'll help me wake up. It's really long winded, so if you're bored easily, I suggest you don't bother. It's not that interesting anyway.
I've been suffering from depression since I was 12 years old (I'm now 22). This is when I started to get bullied about my weight. It got so bad I refused to go back to school one day and was sent to another, where I was also bullied.
I'm sure most of the people reading this know about that old cycle of get upset about weight, comfort eat, put more weight on. Well, that was me. Over the years I've put more and more weight on. Family comments don't help my self esteem. My Granddad calls me Wideload and my Nan said I had a neck like a wrestler! And I've lost count of the people who tell me if I really wanted to lose weight I would....
Anyway, on the 12th of March 2002, I became a mum, and the depression got a whole lot worse. I loved my little girl, but I felt like although she wasn't being neglected, it wasn't long before I would start neglecting her. So I let her go to live with her grandparents at one year old. From then on, things just got worse. My house was a mess, I'm talking mouldy dishes on the sides, rubbish all over the floor. It got so bad the house got infested with beetles and I had to move. I made just as much mess in the next house. I couldn't even be bothered putting my bed together, I was sleeping on the floor surrounded by sweet wrappers, mouldy food, etc. I'd cry over the smallest thing, and I'm talking full on wailing and sobbing. I was also neglecting my poor little dog. I hardly ever fed him. One day I fond him with a cut nose because he'd been that hungry he had been trying to lick the inside of a tin that had been lying around. I never took him for walks or hardly let him outside. When he messed inside, I wouldn't even clean it up, I'd just step over it.
Soon, I started cutting myself. I'd smash dishes, just to have something to cut with. One I even picked up some broken glass off the street and used it even though it was covered in mud and God knows what else.
At this point I was only eating sweets, nothing else. The weight just piled on.
I was shouting at my family all the time, didn't even realise anything was wrong....yes, even though I was living in mouldy food and dog mess, I thought everything was normal.
Eventually my mum made me go to the doctor and he diagnosed postnatal and clinical depression. He prescribed medication but I didn't take it.
Then, just before Christmas 2003, I was listening to my favourite music when the CD started to jump. I started screaming and pulling my hair. I went downstairs, sat in front of a mirror, and hacked all my hair off. I'd cut it so short that my brother had to shave my head. My mum was devestated. My Dad told me she was at the dining room table crying afterwards. I think that's when she realised how bad it had gotten. Soon after, she let me move back in with her, my dad and my little girl. She, my Auntie and my Nan all went to the house to clean up my mess. I'll always be grateful to them for that, and for never throwing it back in my face how I was living.
Things slowly got better. I moved into my own house again, kept it clean and tidy, and looked after my poor dog, who now had put all his weight back on, has regular meals, baths, walks and cuddles.. And, thank God, I think he's forgiven me for all I put him through. I even got two cats who I loved with all my heart. I was finally on the mend, even though I have never taken the anti-depressants. But recently things have started to go downhill again. I'm cutting myself again, my house is less tidier more frequently, I'm stuffing my face again. Things upset me a lot. I couldn't cope with having three pets, so, even though it broke my heart, two weeks ago, I asked my mum to take my cats to a sanctuary to be rehomed. I just can't get over this. I keep crying about it I miss them so much.
So many things are making me more and more depressed. My daughter doesn't seem to like me, even though I've seen her almost every day since she moved to my mum's, my weight is also obviously getting me down, my family seems to hate me, in fact, recently my Nan told me no one in the family likes being around me because I cause arguments ( she meant between my mum and dad over issues with my daughter, I'm not allowed tell her off when she slaps me in the face, etc), I'm in debt, I can't get a job, and to top it all off, my house is full of fleas and even though I've spent a small fortune on stuff to get rid of them, nothing works ( I know this last one is a bit petty, but anyone with depression will tell you that when you are depressed, the little things are as upsetting as the big things
). I've been on the edge off just finishing it a few times these last week. I can't even start taking my pills because it says not to take them if you're feeling suicidal because they make you worse at first. At the moment I'm just managing to hang on and look like nothing is wrong to outsiders (my house is still tidyish, and my dog is well looked after), but I feel like I'm on the edge of going back to how I was, and I desperately don't want to go down that road again.
feelin' down
