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Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

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Old 05-11-2004, 06:59 PM   #1
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Unhappy Failure

When we were little, I remember Mom would bake something and then eat almost all of what she made. She would say she had an "attack". When you have some sort of "trauma" (for lack of a more appropriate word coming to mind) you react to it. Some people react positively as in what they always told us to do in school...confront someone and talk it out, write down your feelings, go for a walk...etc. A lot of people react negatively and fight or yell, or hurt themselves or do drugs or smoke or BINGE...etc. When Mom would talk about her childhood I always got the impression that it wasn't good. She talked about being beaten with a belt and about not having a good relationship with her parents...etc. Well, we know that Mom did some drugs and smoked, as she has admitted. I also know that she was skinny when she was younger. So apparently she didn't use food as a comfort. But then she got married and was unhappy. And I'm sure she still had negative feelings from her childhood. And then she stopped the drugs and the smoking and had children. So she resorted to binging to make herself feel better. As a result, she only felt worse. And she did what she thought she should do and made us eat only healthy stuff and NEVER any junk food. She didn't want us to do what she did. (And I already see myself doing the same thing with my toddler) But just like everyone else, kids react to things too. Now, somehow I had been chubby as a child. I was born that way (10 pounds, 8oz at birth). I was a really sensitive kid. So when people would tease me for being chubby or when I would see Mom or Dad argue or when my siblings would leave me out of things, (I am the middle child) I reacted to it. How? By binging of course. I am no psychiatrist so I can't explain everything, but for some reason that was my way of coping with things. I apparently ate because it was comforting. I am assuming I picked this up from my Mom? So to make matters worse, there would never be anything to eat! So that caused me to hoard food. Whenever I could get my hands on some kind of comfort food ("junk") I would eat as much as I could because I knew I wouldn't be able to get it again. I couldn't get the good feeling from it again. And so the cycle started. I was fat, so I would get upset and eat, which made me fatter..... Then when I realized that it was hopeless to think that I could lose weight, I tried everything I could to get the focus off of my weight, or to try to make it a good thing. For example, I played football all the time. I want her on my team! See? That would make it seem ok. I was always in denial. Then I figured I could wear Abercrombie and hang out with the cool kids and it wouldn't matter what I looked like because I was smart and funny and the cool kids liked me! Then that started to fizz away and I became friends with the kids that did drugs. Now she is cool again. These kids like me because I will buy them drugs and I am brave enough to take the hard drugs with them so who cares if I am fat? Same with smoking cigarettes and drinking. It was cool, so I did it. Not because I liked doing those things or because I really liked those people, but so it would take the focus off of me being fat. And then there were the older guys I dated. They thought it was great because I had big boobs! Who cares if she's fat? Look at those boobs! So then the sex started. All of this because I was running away from the fact that I was fat and I felt I couldn't change it. I did great at school and even better at my job. I learned how to drive a stick shift car, got engaged at 18, moved out to live on my own at 18, became the manager of the company I worked for at age 18!....etc. ALL to take the focus off of being fat. If I could only accomplish this, then they won't care that I'm fat. None of these things have ever truly made me happy or solved the problem. I have just been running away from the problem because I don't know how to fix it. I've tried every diet. I've never lost more than a minimal amount of weight because I can only stick with it until something triggers my "need" to binge. Then I feel like a failure and figure I will never lose the weight so I give up. I slowly gain and gain and gain weight. In the beggining I was just chubby. Then I had to start buying plus size clothing. Now I am starting to have trouble fitting into seats at the movies and concerts. I have trouble breathing at night unless I am propped up. My feet are killing me by the end of the day. I can hardly find any clothes, even in plus size stores that fit. I am really starting to panic because it is becoming less and less of a "weight problem" and more and more an addiction that is going to kill me. I have begged and pleaded with myself to do it. JUST DO IT! Just stop eating, get outside and walk! I have said time and time again, "This is it. No more being fat. I am determined. This is going to happen." Then I fail. I am only 20 years old. I weigh 300 pounds. I don't want to have sex with my husband and it hurts my knees to get down on the floor and play with my toddler. I just don't know what to do. What I really want to do is join a gym. I want to get up every single morning and go work out. But I am so incredibly embarrassed. I know that those skinny pretty girl's that I went to school with are still skinny, pretty and WORK AT, not only work OUT, but work AT the gym. They will be there and will see that I have gained 100 pounds since I graduated and they will make fun of me or feel bad for me. I am too embarrassed and ashamed to go there. I live in a very small town, so yes it is the ONLY gym. We definatly don't have enough money for me to drive 30 miles there and 30 miles back to the nearest town that also has a gym, every morning. I don't want to buy a piece of equipment to keep here at the house because I know I won't use it. I won't hold myself accountable. I need to be at a gym at a certain time. Besides we don't have enough money to get one or enough space to put any excercise equipment in our tiny house. I need to go to the gym. Why can't I just get over it and go? I need to suck it up and face those girls. But I can't. I am just a big, huge, FAT failure.
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Old 05-11-2004, 07:58 PM   #2
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Default A message for Leigh

My dearest Leigh,
Your post was very long but I read every word....................if I were in your presence I would give you a great big sincere hug at this very moment! Don't worry................I am a straight and honest Mother of 2 girls older than you!

Expressing your feelings and trying to figure out "why" is a great start for you.

I just returned from leading 3 Weight Watcher meetings today and dont know why I would pop in here to talk "weight" once again.Quite frankly the old body of mine is tired tonight. PERHAPS it is because it was meant to be.

My advice comes from the heart and not a Weight Watchers "guide".

YOU are not a failure! God does not make junk! My first advice is PRAY for guidance daily. START somewhere.making changes............the smallest of changes makes a difference.

Your value as a person has nothing to do with your weight! Please know that!
You are of value just as you are.......................especially as a wife and Mother!

Start posting in here................we are here to help and encourage!

Thanks for sharing....please smile and know GOD loves you!

Sincerely
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Old 05-11-2004, 09:47 PM   #3
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Im glad you shared that, thank you. I am having trouble getting motivated so my first goal was to just walk my dog around my apartment complex at least once a day. We walk around the whole thing, twice and then we come back in. Its nothing to really brag about but Ive started it. Maybe you could do the same with your daughter. Just put her in a stroller and take off for a lap around the apartment complex. I know its sad but I signed up for an online exercise tracker on the american heart association website. I actually put that down on that tracker and it has a little description box. Its kinda sad but I like seeing that tiny spike on the grid it draws out for you. So even doing something small may be just enough motivation to make you do an extra lap one day or something. I wish you the best of luck and happiness!!
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Old 05-11-2004, 10:14 PM   #4
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You sound really down, I'm sorry your weight has burdened you. I know that it is hard to change. Your relationship with food isn't healthy. I'm in the same zone. It is a slow journey. I have lost and gained the same 5 lbs since January but I'm plugging away. I am jumping on my exercise bike whenever I feel like it,even if it is only for 5/10 minutes. Just to start the brain clicking over on that activity vibe. I am stocking the fridge with crunchy veg. to snack on. I am drinking water every chance I get to curb any empty feelings. I try and have something to eat every three hours to stop a binge too. I am no expert at this, but these are the steps I'm taking to slowly wittle away at the excess that is weighing me down. I also write once a week or so in the journals here, it helps to put what you are thinking out there. This is a great site for support. I hope you check in regular and start your own baby steps towards your goals
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Old 05-12-2004, 12:58 AM   #5
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HEY LEIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screw the gym.....You are stressing yourself even more by adding that to your things to deal with, sounds like you already have enough to upset you.

I live out in the woods, the closest town is 15 miles away, I don't drive and my husband
works out of town all week, but I am finding a way to do what I need to.

You say you have a child that it hurts to get down on the floor and play with??
How about sticking them in a stroller and sharing some nature???
Kids love it when we spend time with them period, they don't care if your getting in some exercise at the same time.

Are you eating junk???
I am a member of the APRIL CHICKS and one of the women in our group was suckin' down the soda's like crazy (3cases a week) she cut that out 3 weeks ago and posted tonight how her pants already are not as tight.
Isn't there one or two things you could cut out of your eating plan right now???
White bread, sweets, sugar???
Fast Food??
How about turning your back on the way things have been up to this point and sending yourself in a new direction???
Sounds like your mom had a hard time and a real struggle, how about learning from that instead of falling into it???
Would she want that for you??

If you were a true failure you would not have come here, something inside yourself is trying to tell you something...listen.
Look your baby in the eyes and say to yourself that you will take care of that baby's mother.

And Leigh, I and another member of the April Chicks who also saw your post and told me about you would love it if you came and checked us out.
We are a small group who all have recently joined 3fc.
There are 2 threads started in the "support" section, the first says wave:April Chicks,then there is April Chicks #2...
We are a happy healthy bunch struggleing through this together,most have written their own little bit of our history and the stories are amazing and inspiring.
I too have struggled with depression and lost myself for a few years, but I am so much better now, just trying to lose this extra 100+ lbs.
Please come check us out,
Ralpmarie(diane)
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Old 05-12-2004, 08:15 AM   #6
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My friend, you're not a failure. You are a person struggling with a great many issues similar to the ones all of us have. Join us in our daily chat here or find a group somewhere in these forums.
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Old 05-12-2004, 09:06 AM   #7
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Hi Lady,

My gosh when I read your post the first impression I got was that no way in heck are you a failure, you've accomplished alot for some one your age, you should be quite proud of yourself.

When you said this......."So to make matters worse, there would never be anything to eat! So that caused me to hoard food. Whenever I could get my hands on some kind of comfort food ("junk") I would eat as much as I could because I knew I wouldn't be able to get it again. I couldn't get the good feeling from it again. And so the cycle started. I was fat, so I would get upset and eat, which made me fatter..... "

I can relate to that statement like you wouldn't believe, it was like I was reading my own words.

The advice the ladies here gave you are wonderful words of wisdom, people who have and are still going thru the struggles of weight loss.

I think its time for you to look at the inside and not the outside. Its time to take baby steps back to good health. BABY steps. If your anything like me, when I try to accomplish to much to fast it will only set me back, much farther than when I started.

You really need to retrain your brain. We all need to. How about choosing healthy foods and making that your first priority of your journey, then how about, when your ready, cause if your not ready your gonna hate it even more, okay when your ready, how about putting the radio on and dancing w/your little one, or taking your baby for a little stroll, or play tag in the yard, just some sort of movement. Every little bit is a step that will get you closer to where you want to be.

My sister who was almost 400 lbs has lost over 80 lbs, she is very close to being in her twosies !!!!! she also took it in small steps, first around the block, then dancing w/the kids, 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, now she can dance your socks off lol.

Then when you get into it, modify your diet and make even healthier choices, you get the picture..

Losing weight is NOT going to happen over night, just like gaining it didn't happen over night.

SLOW !!! is good, honest and before you know it viola!!!!!

You can do it, your worth it and your family deserves it.

Hugs to you, and if you'd like, join us on the daily thread where we can get to know you better.

Hugs to you sweetie and your the best !!!
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Old 05-12-2004, 09:32 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leigh83
I did great at school and even better at my job. I learned how to drive a stick shift car, got engaged at 18, moved out to live on my own at 18, became the manager of the company I worked for at age 18!....etc.
Well. that's a heck of a lot more than *I* accomplished by age 18!!!!! Good golly, gal!!! And now you're a mom and a wife!! I ain't done none of that either, and I'm old enough to be your momma!!

How could you possible be a failure? If you are, then what does that make me? Hmmmmm?

I am not a failure and neither are YOU. You are here, which means you are still trying. Failures are people who have stopped trying and have absolutely NO intention of EVER trying again.

All the others have given you great advice. Just take it easy and slow. Hang out with us. Dance for a few minutes every day with your babies, or with your husband. They'll both love it, and then you'll have created some happy family memories.

One other thing: Have you talked to a professional about your depression? When was the last time you had a full and complete physical? Do you need to have your thyroid checked? Your physician, if you have one, will be happy to help you try to lose weight. Let her/him help you. Let your husband and your friends and your neighbors and your family and anyone else who wants to help you help you. Because it's hard are **** to lose weight. It is. You *can* do it. You've done hard before and succeeded. (Remember gving birth? gack.) You can do this, too.

Let us know how it goes, 'k?
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Old 05-12-2004, 09:43 AM   #9
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Smile A Thank You From Leigh

Oh Everyone, Thank You so Much for Caring About me and taking the time to encourage me when you didn't have to. I did what some of you suggested and I took the baby outside in the stroller and went around the block. And guess what? As I was walking, on the other side of the street I saw 2 women, both who were around my size, walking together. Just as I was thinking, "Wow it would be nice to have a friend that would walk with me" one of them walked across the street and asked me if I'd like to walk with them sometime! It turns out they live just the next street over from me and they walk 5 days a week! I have walking buddies!!!!! I am so excited! I am going to town today to buy a good pair of walking shoes and I'll be meeting them right outside my own house, every day at 10am. This is just what I needed. I honestly think between these wonderful women, YOU wonderful friends, my husband and MYSELF I can turn this around. I just want to THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL! And I will continue to post here. It is a good place to vent for me. And I will be sure to keep you all updated on how the weight loss is going. Today I weigh 295. My BABY goal is 290.
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Old 05-12-2004, 10:46 AM   #10
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Old 05-12-2004, 11:01 AM   #11
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Thata Girl !!

Just don't let little things set you back, brush them off and start again. Persistance wins not perfection.

HUGS
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Old 05-12-2004, 11:21 AM   #12
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You can do it. Just stick with little goals as has already been said and when you achieve it set another, it'll really build up your confidence. You are only young and you need your health so if you make little steps i'm sure you will be able to do a lot more with your toddler soon.
Start with gentle stuff it might be a good plan to get some of those little strap on leg and arm weights they are only tiny but you can strap them on when you go walking and it will make you feel like you are doing that little bit more. Or get some tiny dumbbells I have some tiny 1.5kg ones that I use when I'm watching TV.
Dont put too much pressure on yourself, dont go to the gym yet if it'll make you feel bad theres plenty of time for that later.

Hope you make new friends through your walking and that you enjoy yourself doing it.
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Old 05-12-2004, 11:45 AM   #13
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BRAVO
See...........................aint GOD good? You got just what you needed at JUST the right time!

Please keep us posted!~
Hugs to you!

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Old 05-12-2004, 11:56 AM   #14
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I just wanted to let everyone know that I am so excited about my new "adventure"! I talked to my husband this morning and we took the baby and went for a LONG walk. Well, it was long for me. I was feeling the burn! lol But when I came back, I got in the shower and I realized that I need to have some kind of reward for when I reach my goals. Being 300 pounds, when I lose 10 pounds, it is not physically noticable. So it isn't very exciting. So I decided that for every 10 pounds I lose I will give myself a NON FOOD reward. When (not if) I lose the first 10 pounds I will go and get my hair done. The next 10 pounds I will get my nails done. When I get to 250 I will get a $50 mini shopping spree for a new outfit. When I get to 200 my husband and I will go to a Concert. And when I reach my long term goal of 150, we will all fly down to Miami and swim in the ocean. I think that if I reward myself for all the hard work I will see better results and it won't seem so hard along the way. I am so thankful for all of you and that the lord gave me such a wonderful, supportive husband.
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Old 05-12-2004, 12:20 PM   #15
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Talking Congratulations Leigh

Yay Leigh

I am so excited for you. It is wonderful how in less than 24 hours things have turned around for you.

You are an amazing person and you can do whatever you decide to do.

Congratulations on walking it takes a lot to pick yourself up when you are down. But you did it.

I am so happy for you. It really was wonderful reading your posts this morning.

Please Take Care of YOU
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