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Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

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Old 02-08-2016, 09:57 PM   #1
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Default Nervous about online dates

Hi ladies! I'm so glad I found this community. I think I will be helpful to give each other support.

Anyways I've been doing online dating for a while and I'm up the point of meeting guys. I have current pics up but I'm not at an ideal or healthy weight. I'm about 30 lbs over what's healthy for my petite frame. I'm about 5 feet tall and about 140 lbs. I've been mistaken for being pregnant by a student recently. Unfortunately I carry most of the weight in my stomach.

I'm wondering if any of you ladies can give me some support? Have you ever felt this way and had things turn out for the best? I do want to say because of my weight and low self esteem due to it, I'm not too experienced with dating. I want to change that obviously, and gain confidence in myself.

Anyways ladies thank you for reading and if you have any ways to ease my mind I would really appreciate it.
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Old 02-12-2016, 04:56 PM   #2
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I'm having this exact same problem, and I understand exactly what you mean about being nervous. I have anxiety over this a lot. I'm about 85lbs overweight currently, and although I've shared pictures with my long distance boyfriend, I'm not sure if he knows I'm overweight, because I look only a bit chubby from mid-waist up and that's what I sent But, I was also much heavier before then.

However, we've been dating for almost three years, and he's obviously in shape. He was also the one who suggested meeting.

I'd like to think that if he wants to meet that he must like you for your personality at least enough to give it a go no matter your weight if he's the one that suggested meeting. I still have 3 and a half months to lose weight before he can even consider coming to America because he has school, so I'm trying to lose as much as possible before then. And if it doesn't work, it just doesn't (even if it hurts). This is what I tell myself, but truthfully my anxiety still comes back about it.

As for confidence, even if you are losing slowly, you should exercise when you feel nervous. Personally, I always feel really good about myself after I exercise. I'd rather be tone and fat then just flabbily skinny when I meet someone. What's sexier than big, toned thighs?

Also if it worries you too much, you can always talk to him about it; Vaguely steer the conversation with him to health and see what he thinks. That might give you an idea of what to expect;

He might not care about your weight since you're trying to be healthy. That shows you have effort, dedication, and self-appreciation--such positive traits. And if he suddenly doesn't want you because you're a little overweight, then he's shallow anyway, and it's probably for the best.

Also wear things that take attention from your stomach and flatter your good areas, you know the ones.
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Old 02-19-2016, 01:41 PM   #3
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I agree.
If you are nervous about being surprising to your boyfriend, why not talk to him about it?
You've been dating for three years, and that isn't something you can just dismiss because of a little weight.
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Old 02-20-2016, 03:50 PM   #4
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I completely understand. I am not saying that what I did is right or healthy, but I ended up suspending (or "hiding") my online dating profile until I feel better about myself. If I don't like myself how can I expect someone else to like me, let alone love me?

I have always felt that women of all different shapes and sizes were sexy and beautiful, but now I realize that it was so easy for me to feel that way because I was a stick figure my whole life. So apparently that applies to all women except myself. It is very discouraging to wake up one day and realize that you are fat, and not only that, but that you do not feel like anything that remotely resembles "sexy" or "beautiful." I hate that I define my own beauty by the size pants I wear.

Before I suspended my profile I'd begun texting with a guy who lives about 25 miles south of me. I know that the ball is in my court and I could turn it up at any time and meet him. I do not because I don't want him to see me in my current state. It really messes with my head that I do this to myself. There are/were a couple of current pictures on my profile, but they were from the neck up.

Now that I am writing this and thinking through the past year I realize that there were three guys I met via online dating who were very interested in me, but I shut it down and two who I was very interested in and they put me in the friend zone. Are our perspectives of ourselves skewed? Do men really care as much as we think they do? The guys who were interested in me are actually good guys. Do I sabotage potential relationships because I think I don't deserve to be happy? <-- This was just suggested to me by a very old friend a few days ago, and it upset me quite a bit.

The dating pool in Tinytown, Alaska is pretty small, so it's not like I have the luxury of being able to screw this up a bunch of times. Or a bunch more times, lol. I am divorced and 44, after all.

I'm really glad I found this site. Thanks for the forum in which to talk about these tough issues.
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Old 03-03-2016, 06:56 AM   #5
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You should sent a full body pick without any filters. So the guy knows whats up. If he still wants to meet you there is no reason to be scared.
But don't make fake pics where u look thinner or something because thats unfair for the other person.
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Old 03-03-2016, 08:07 AM   #6
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I agree with Wyndy. It's uncomfortable, and do use some really great pics of yourself, but a full body one will make it clear that this is who you are. It will also be better for YOU to do this - people will meet you because they're attracted to you You'll have less anxiety.
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Old 03-06-2016, 04:54 PM   #7
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" Do men really care as much as we think they do?"

NO. Speaking for myself and others that I know curvy trumps stick figure all day long.

That being said I don't think I could ever be truly comfortable again (naked) with a woman until I'm finally satisfied with my own results.
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Old 03-26-2016, 09:06 AM   #8
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I've been waiting to date until the weight comes off.... but I'm not getting any younger (52)... dating is scary enough without having concerns with your weight demolishing your self confidence.

I agree with all above. Be honest, if he's worth it he won't care. I admire your bravery!
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:42 PM   #9
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Well I met him and he likes me just the way I am. Words of encouragement for us all! ...not that I'm going to stop losing weight! haha
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Old 06-28-2016, 10:13 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Letsdothis89 View Post
"Well I met him and he likes me just the way I am" That is lovely to hear
Indeed! And to follow up, he likes me even more now... JUST THE WAY I AM.

That is not to say that I've quit trying to lose weight or anything like that, but he likes me for me and not for what size or weight I am.
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Old 07-09-2016, 02:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadWyndy View Post
You should sent a full body pick without any filters. So the guy knows whats up. If he still wants to meet you there is no reason to be scared.
But don't make fake pics where u look thinner or something because thats unfair for the other person.

This. So much this. Anxiety would be so much lower if we'd stop sharing *just* the pics that were taken for angles or when we had a good boob day. (We all have that ONE bra that makes us look fabulous. Don't lie. You know which one it is. )

Starting communication based upon pics that are a decade old or when we were 20 pounds thinner isn't doing justice to ourselves. It just breeds disappointment for the other party.

If anything, share your less attractive pics so he's pleasantly surprised in person.
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Old 07-09-2016, 04:22 PM   #12
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I wrote this response once and deleted it because it sounded snarky, but I'll try to say it as nicely as I can. My photos were not 10 years old or 20 lbs lighter, I never lied to anyone about anything, and I had to google what a filter is, so I didn't use one of those either. My post did not say that I did any of those things. It said that I had a couple current pictures from the neck up. The other gals didn't say that they did any of those things, either.

Funny. This thread is in the "Depression and Weight Loss" forum. Take from that what you will. Whether the comments were addressed to me or to the other gals or to all of us, there seems to be lots of criticism over assumptions made about perceived hidden implications of one sentence in pretty long posts. We're supposed to be here supporting each other on what is undoubtedly a rough journey for each and every one of us. Right?

Last edited by NorthernLight; 07-09-2016 at 04:28 PM.
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Old 07-09-2016, 11:33 PM   #13
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Confidence comes from knowing who you are, being who you are, and sharing who you are. Knowing your strengths, loving who you are and having gratitude for what we have. What I do is write down three things I am grateful for before bed every night, and I see my brain automatically thinks of things I'm grateful for around the same time every night.
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Old 07-10-2016, 04:53 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernLight View Post
I wrote this response once and deleted it because it sounded snarky, but I'll try to say it as nicely as I can. My photos were not 10 years old or 20 lbs lighter, I never lied to anyone about anything, and I had to google what a filter is, so I didn't use one of those either. My post did not say that I did any of those things. It said that I had a couple current pictures from the neck up. The other gals didn't say that they did any of those things, either.

Funny. This thread is in the "Depression and Weight Loss" forum. Take from that what you will. Whether the comments were addressed to me or to the other gals or to all of us, there seems to be lots of criticism over assumptions made about perceived hidden implications of one sentence in pretty long posts. We're supposed to be here supporting each other on what is undoubtedly a rough journey for each and every one of us. Right?
I'm sorry you took that personally. I've known girls who've used old pictures and didn't understand why they don't get second dates.

I also work primarily with men, and that's their biggest complaint about online dating. Pics aren't representative of the women they meet. It's a deal-breaker for several of them.

I won't apologize for encouraging all of us to showcase who we are today. I'm not sorry for that. We're all imperfect, but we're still pretty awesome as-is.
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Old 07-10-2016, 10:07 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swinella View Post
I'm sorry you took that personally. I've known girls who've used old pictures and didn't understand why they don't get second dates.

I also work primarily with men, and that's their biggest complaint about online dating. Pics aren't representative of the women they meet. It's a deal-breaker for several of them.

I won't apologize for encouraging all of us to showcase who we are today. I'm not sorry for that. We're all imperfect, but we're still pretty awesome as-is.
I have worked in heavy industry my whole career... You know, with men. And I have nearly always been the only woman. You don't have the corner on that market.

You seem to have a reading comprehension issue, and it would benefit you to go back and read the original posts that I referred to so that you can understand my above comments. We have all probably known people who have used old, skinny, or "filtered" pictures on dating websites. No one here said that they did that. Next time perhaps you could ask instead of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

This is a forum dedicated to supporting people who are trying to lose weight and this particular thread is in the 'depression' forum. So, yeah, we should all be cognizant of the things we say to others here because it is very likely that there are those among us who are far more sensitive than I am, and the things we say can have far reaching and unintended effects.
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