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Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

I don't wanna have sex anymore

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Old 03-29-2015, 04:16 AM   #1
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Unhappy I don't wanna have sex anymore

*removed for personal reasons* thank you to those who replied.
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Old 03-29-2015, 06:46 AM   #2
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First of all I want to congratulate you on losing so much weight!

My advice would be to look to your faith-based teaching on these issues.

Again, kudos on your accomplishment!
~Molly
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Old 04-03-2015, 09:13 PM   #3
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I can relate. I'm getting divorced after 16 years of marriage and about 20 together. My weight has been a major issue for years. Lots of arguments over the years. I wanted it and she didn't. It crushed me. The first few times I was treated nicely by a woman I dated it felt wonderful even though she wasn't.
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Old 04-04-2015, 10:36 AM   #4
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To the OP, you've seen the light, don't become that person! I had a friend who had WLS and when she lost weight she could not resist male attention and became a real you know what. Pay attention to her, and you could take her home. You'll notice I say I "had" this friend. We're no longer friends because I couldn't handle being friends with someone who'd sleep with any guy who looked her way. I tried to stop her self destructive behavior. I reminded her that these guys don't give two shakes about her, they just want to get laid. I reminded her that valuable things aren't "free" to anyone, only worthless things are. And she was making herself worthless by bed hopping through town. Eventually I stopped seeing her all together because she wouldn't stop. And guess what? She regained after the honeymoon period of WLS and all those men won't even point their faces in her direction, let alone pay her any compliments. So now she's fat AND has a bad reputation. Because she didn't respect herself, no one else will now. It's terrible and I feel so bad for her, but I guess she had to learn on her own.

The thing to remember is that there are TONS of men out there who'll sleep with you. But they don't care about you. They just want sex. Every time you give yourself away for free to someone who doesn't earn it nor deserve it, you're setting your value in the eyes of the rest of the world. Set a high value for yourself, not a low one. Find the kind of man who doesn't even think of trying to get into bed with you when you meet. Find the kind of man who wants to get to know you and spend time with YOU, not your lady bits. That's the guy you want to invest in, that's the guy who's worthy of you.

USMCvet, your wife was concerned about your health and probably felt disrespected and like she wasn't valued when you didn't take it seriously, in her eyes. I know in that situation I would feel very scared to lose my husband to a heart attack or something. She probably felt desperately afraid of losing you, and like you didn't love her enough to do something serious to save your own life so she wouldn't be left widowed and alone. That is how I would have felt. And she did the same thing I probably would have done...she started distancing herself from you, to cut down on the pain of eventual loss. People, women in particular, are good at the slow fade of emotional withdrawal when the fear of abandonment, loss, or pain starts looming. I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage, and I hope you can move on to a new life.
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Old 04-04-2015, 11:14 AM   #5
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Seriously, just be yourself. Live in the moment and do what your heart tells you is right. I had that issue when I first started losing weight I was so introverted, if any girl gave me some attention I would jump on no problem, I had no standards, and I was FAT. But the thing is, if they are being nice to you and giving you attention, there is nothing wrong with that, they probably genuinely like you to a certain degree. Have fun in life its easy, don't over think things!
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Old 04-04-2015, 12:02 PM   #6
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*hugs* It's OK, hon, many people who have trouble with body image also find sexuality tricky as well.

Don't beat yourself up about having had casual sex, that is absolutely fine! You're an adult, if it's safe and consensual then it's normal. And it is also normal to try casual sex and decide it's not for you. I'm not suited to it either, but some people are, and I'd never for a second blame them for it. Anyone who is going to get judgemental about it can take a flying leap.

It might help if you just tried exploring your sexuality, and your sexual persona, on your own for a while. You've decided you don't want to sleep with anyone just now, that's OK, and perhaps now you can just go for cheerful, light flirting in a context where no one is expecting more. Or not, it's up to you. Flirting is not a crime! (Although flirting with someone in a monogamous relationship is a bad idea, obviously.) Try different outfits, see what makes you feel good. You might find that the sexier outfits feel a bit odd for general use, but perhaps if you meet someone in the future, they'd be nice for then, once you've got that level of intimacy. On the other hand, once you're settled into your new body - which takes time for everyone, it's not just you - you might find that wearing sexy clothes really gives you confidence and makes you feel good! They're all valid options. Try different things out, play with make-up if you like make-up, see what styles you enjoy. There's a myth that women who dress in a certain way are looking for sex, and it's pretty much nonsense. It's about dressing in a way you enjoy, and if you want sex with someone, you'll arrange that by talking and so forth, not by clothing and mind-reading. I've always rather liked low-cut tops, even before I was sexually active. They're nice, I look good in them, and that's pretty much all there is to it. I wear them less often these days for practical reasons (chronic pain means that I have to wear stretchy maternity bras, for starters, and when you're in a wheelchair people can see down your top more easily), but when I do get dressed up in something a bit more glamorous, I feel sexier for having made the effort, and my partner appreciates it all the more because it's not an everyday thing.

Then there's the sex side of this. Again, exploring on your own can be really great, and a lot of women find it helps them build up confidence after a bad relationship, for instance. This could include getting some nice sex toys, or reading the many sex-positive bloggers who are out there, or finding fiction that fits your fantasies. Relaxing, having fun, and learning what you like are great in their own right, and also useful if and when you're in a sexual relationship.

If you suspect that you don't want sex at all long-term, that's also a valid option. Quite a few people identify as asexual, and there are various ways to be asexual. Many asexual folks are still romantically attracted to people. A friend of mine, for instance, has a partner he's devoted to, says he can't think of a nicer way to spend an evening than in the pub with his arm round them, enjoying kissing and a good pint, but has no desire to have sex. A lot more people are talking about asexuality than in the past, there's a community, so if you think this may be you, there should be plenty to read up about online. I know several asexual people in happy long-term relationships, so it is indeed possible if you're that way inclined.

I'm getting the feeling that relationships are something you'd want, apologies if I'm wrong. If and when you dip your toe back in the water - I didn't meet my partner until eleven months after coming out of a long-term relationship, and I really needed that time to be single - then you can always start with going on a few dates just for the enjoyment of going on dates, without any expectations of sex or a relationship. Believe it or not, there are quite a few people in the same position, and the beauty of online dating, for instance, is that you can specify what you want. I had a bad time with my last relationship, so at first I had a note on my dating profile saying I was just looking for friends at that point, not really ready for a relationship. I still had a very nice woman contact me to meet up for coffee, and we had a couple of enjoyable afternoons. And yes, that sort of thing is possible with men too, most of the people I met through OkCupid were men! One is still a good friend. When I got together with my beloved, I told him I wanted to take things slowly. We still look back with fondness on that period, it was surprising fun. Don't worry about whether someone would let you take things slowly: anyone worth their salt would be perfectly happy to, and if someone pressures you to do more than you want, you don't want to be in a relationship with them anyway.

And if you're feeling lonely, could you beef up your social life in general, spend more time with friends? I have a regular board games group and it is no end of fun, not to mention a lovely way to have quality time with friends.
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Old 04-12-2015, 12:44 AM   #7
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Thank you all SO much.
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