[Fiona W]

A victory on the depression front! I track my moods according to a 0 down to -7 system, where 0 is no depression pain, -1 a small amount, & so on, and yesterday was a 0/0/0 day: no depression in morning, afternoon, & evening. That's the first all-zeros day I've had in about three weeks. =happy sigh=

I really think what's helping me pull out of this one is the "practice" (that's what he calls it) that my new Qidong ("chee-dong") instructor taught me. I've been doing it for a dozen times or more, often throughout the day, ever since last Thursday—the exact timing of my gradual climb out of depression. It's a simple motion-meditation involving breathing in & out, standing up, while moving my arms in a certain way. It really helps me feel grounded and centered, with the energy of my body flowing through me in a healthier way. I see my instructor again tomorrow: I'm eager to give him positive feedback, and curious to see what he'll come up with next.

I spent seven arduous hours yesterday making a collage, one that truly feels like an accomplishment. But I won't give y'all the link to it, because it's (1) purposefully hideous, and (2) all about the ugliness (in his work & his inner person) of a multimillionaire artist, Jeff Koons, whom you probably haven't heard of. Lucky for you if that's so!

Now if I can just return to doing my leg exercices every night, and add some walking, plus refrain from the overeating that crept in during my depression, I will really be back on track. =smile=

I'd like to resume doing personals, but today is not the day, since Bob just got back from a trip to the farm. We really need to spend some time together. But I'd like to greet kcandponies and Summer, since I haven't had a chance to do so. Welcome to the Ups & Downs thread, gals: may your endeavors prove fruitful indeed!

[IBelieveInMe2]

Fi: So happy you are making progress pulling out of that horrible episode of depression! Glad the Qidong is helping! Thanks for sharing the good news with us!

[Lisa_C]

Fi, so glad you are attempting to pull yourself out of the darkness. I need to try meditation or a form of it. I think it would do me a world of good.

IBelieveInMe2,thank you so much for understanding about my absence. There really is no excuse though. I just need to make the board a bigger priority.
Yay for looser pants is right. I put on jeans this morning that had just been washed and left to dry, and then slide right on, no sucking in the gut for this pair. yay!!!!!! I will just continue doing what I'm doing and see where the scale lays when I go to the Dr the next time. Maybe the weight loss is my imagination?


Have a great evening, friends. Much love.

[lilturtle]

I am currently in Deleware visiting friends. It is a little more complicated then that but it is probably best I leave it at that. I am staying until Sunday. I get to cook while I am here (yay!) but stress out if it will be good. (boo) Tonight they want some kind of baked breaded chicken. I am going to start getting some ideas online. Like baked fried chicken I guess. I made bbq pork chops, perogies, and green beans last night. I haven't slept in two nights. I am exhausted. I am so sensitive about sleep. I was just getting a handle on it at home.

[IBelieveInMe2]

Trish: Hope all is well! Try to get some sleep! You need to take care of yourself, too!

[Fiona W]

I am unusual for this group in that I only weigh myself once a month, and sometimes not even that often, like recently when I have been going through a huge amount of stress (mostly positive) followed by about a three- or four-week episode of severe depression. I know I have gained some weight because I didn't eat on plan consistently during the depression, so I skipped my monthly weigh-in on the 22nd.

But I keep a graph of my weight over time which is updated every time I weigh myself and is posted prominently on the front of the fridge. My current graph starts in February of 2012, and while the trend is consistently downward (79 pounds down so far), there have been three episodes of severe stress followed by depression, during which I gained weight. I like looking at the graph and thinking of myself as going on a long journey through time, getting gradually smaller as I go.

I've been thinking of all of y'all on this thread while listening to a fabulous song I've heard three times now on the radio: Nils Lofgren's "Fat Girls Dance." The lyrics are great, especially the refrain, repeating "Nobody's leaving 'til the fat girls dance." I tried to find a video online where you could listen to it for free: no luck. I tried to find the lyrics for it: no luck there either. But if you go to Amazon or iTunes or wherever, you coud buy it for $0.99. It's worth the 99 cents, believe me—a great pop tune with a catchy beat and lyrics about how nobody can leave until the fat girls get a chance to dance.

I happen to be a person who is fat-positive, which means that even though I am working hard to lose weight, I do not view "fat" as a pejorative or derogatory or negative word in any way, shape or form. I am a fat woman. That is simply a factual and descriptive statement, no more derogatory than if I were to say, "I am a thin woman" or "I am a tall woman." I'm actually a fat and short woman. That's OK, too. =smile=

So buy the song if you trust me on this...if not, I hope it will show up on YouTube some day so you can hear it.

I had two more 0/0/0 days (no depression pain in morning/afternoon/evening. That makes three in a row. Whoopee!! And I had a great session with my Qidong ("chee-dong") instructor yesterday: wow, this Qidong stuff is workin' miracles for me. I'm not yet back on plan in my eating, but I'm sure I will be soon. Ditto with my leg exercises and walking plans: it's all gonna happen soon, I can feel it comin'. Meanwhile, I'm moving my Qi ("chee") around in really positive ways, and my depression is OVER, I just know it!

—Signing off for now, Fi

[Fiona W]

I made a collage that kind of expresses what I was going through during my depression. And it's also just kind of funny and sci-fi surreal. It's called "at times even ultraman succumbs to abject despair".

[IBelieveInMe2]

I am so excited because, although my psychiatrist does NOT recommend it, he is going to help me try to get completely OFF of Abilify. I saw him on Friday and began the tapering off last night. I had been on 30 mg of Abilify originally; then went down to 25, then 20, and then 15..... all very gradually and spaced out and without event. The weaning off process will now be 10 mg for one month and then 5 mg for another month, and then ~ assuming that all goes well ~ I will be OFF Abilify!!!!!!!!! I am excited but anxious about it. Abilify (a mood stabilizer for Bipolar depression) has caused weight gain AND made it more difficult for me to lose weight. So I am HOPEFUL once again that, once I get my thyroid functioning at an optimal level, I can finally LOSE some signigicant weight!!! My hubby will help to closely monitor my behavior and moods, as always. I took him with me to my appointment to let the doctor meet him and be assured of that.

Fi: I enjoyed your insights into your weight graph. CONGRATULATIONS on losing 79 pounds so far and on 3 triple 0 days in a row!!! This most definitely IS a long journey, but it is one SO worth taking! WE are worth it!!! I will try to find that song, but if you couldn't find it for free, I have my doubts that I will find it. I am NOT a fan of the "fat" word, but I am not usually easily offended, so I'm sure I would appreciate the song. Your collage is "kewl" as Holly would say! I so miss hearing from her! Hope she is okay. So glad to hear that your depression episode is finally lifting.

[Fiona W]

For those of you who follow my collages, I just made another one: "zig-zag". If you click on the collage, you'll get a larger version of it against black. I'm so happy to be having a creative week!

[VermontMom]

hello!! I'm really ashamed of not checking in at all in so long. I hope I haven't worried anyone, I just have one day off a week from work, which is not enough of an excuse or even the real reason; I haven't worked out regularly since May!! I am ashamed of that, plus I've been eating just about whatever I want, my ticket weight is NOT right. I am always so self critical and I know I'm wasting alot of my life by wishing I'm something I"m not. but I'm not desperately unhappy either

I have loved this summer as much as I can, been riding to work almost all the time, as as much after work as possible . I have enjoyed my flowers and lawn so very much and FINALLY our road has been paved smooth and that is such a joy to ride, no more going 22 miles out of my way every day to avoid it.

GREAT news is that my hubster is on board with going low carb so I have no excuse now!! today is my first day of trying to exert control, and I did work out for 50 minutes to one of my dvds.

I WILL check back soon!! and I need to meet the new folks and say Hi :wave and Hello to aryastark, I remember you from before !

[IBelieveInMe2]

Holly: It is SOOOOOOOO great to hear from you!!!!!!! I have been worried about you, so thank you for checking in! I am glad to hear that you enjoyed the summer and have been riding that bike!!! Do you have to go back to that dreadful fall/winter job again this year (the one with the dreadful boss, I mean)??? I hope not! It is so hard to believe that summer is officially over. I miss it already! Good to hear that your hubby is on board with low carb! It really helps to have a buddy for the journey! I was doing low carb, but I think I'm going back to counting calories. Not sure. I have sort of been floundering and rebelling myself lately. Thyroid issues and meds making it so difficult to lose weight had me so frustrated that I felt like it didn't matter what I did, I wasn't going to lose weight. But, if you read my good news above, I am tapering OFF of Abilify FINALLY, so I am hopeful that, once I get my thyroid functioning optimally (have first endocrinology appointment in November), I might actually be able to lose some weight again. I am still on several other meds, but Abilify is known to be a weight culprit, so I will be happy to discontinue it! Anyway, it is so wonderful to hear from you! You made my night! Take good care and please check in again SOON!!!

[Fiona W]

Holly— You're back!! Hooray! The prodigal biker-chick-dessert-baker returns to the Ups & Downs thread!

Please don't be down on yourself for what you ate or the workouts you didn't do. We love you. All is forgiven. It is what it is. Just set your mind on inhaling the future of eating right & exercising, and exhaling the past of whatever silly stuff you think you did wrong!

[lilturtle]

Psych meds that cause weight gain are awful. I was on seroquel and it was the same way. As soon as I was off it the weight started coming off. I take geodon now and it doesn't cause weight gain. I just started topamax too and it is supposed to suppress my appetite. I'm only on a low dose though so far not helping much. I also finally got some help with my anxiety, a low dose of klonopin. I'm feeling much better.

[VermontMom]

Oh my gosh, how could I have strayed when I feel like I have a cheering section thank you Kathleen and Fi and Hi lil'turtle, it is good to 'see' you too !

Hey the commercials for the antidepressants you guys mentioned surely don't dwell on the weight gain factor, do they those commercials really have made me wonder if I should ask my doctor about them but I will not now! That is WONDERFUL NEWS Kathleen about being told to get off the drug that was hindering your efforts!

good morning and it is a wondrous 56 degrees here and clear sky with lots of stars, I miss the early morning light so much but can't do anything about that except accept it, lol. Darkness is a big deterrent to me, I love light and losing it daily is something I have to just deal with. I am thankful for this mild weather so much.

Yes Kathleen I am slated to go back to the dreadful boss as the winter job, I am at fault for not trying to find something else, but it is so convenient because they release me for the summer for the good job. And maybe I can go into it with a different attitude.

HI to everyone!! and maybe I will even start an October excercise thread on Wednesday, to kick my butt into workout our regularly again. Have a great day!

[Fiona W]

On the subject of psych meds that cause weight gain: Yes!! I've been there! I weighed 140 pounds, which is close to my ideal weight, before I became Bipolar and started taking psych meds. I was put on every psych med under the sun that causes dramatic weight gain, and guess what: soon I was over 200 pounds, and a handful of years later I swelled to over 300 pounds. I've been working seriously since 2007 to get the psych-med weight back off: I lost over 100 pounds doing Jenny Craig, but then my husband got depressed and eventually lost his job, and all that stress piled the weight back on. I got up to 351 pounds before I got serious again and started on my current weight loss journey.

This is what I really want to say: I am still on multiple drugs that make a person crave sweets and gain weight, but I am losing weight anyway. I have embraced a sugar-free lifestyle. It has done wonders for my energy and my sense of control over my own destiny. I'm telling you: if you are on a psych med that makes you crave sweets or makes you gain weight for some other reason, you do not have to be a victim of that medication. You make the choices, not the drug. You can choose to lose weight despite being on that drug. Because you are the person in charge!