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Tinneranne2
yes appearance is attraction when you are 13 ... when an adult behaves like that...it hurts. we look beyond that... there is chemistry which overlooks how u look/appear. when that chemistry vanishes off for a immature reason ... it hurts.
so when a couple is 60 ...with sagging boobs and even viagra not working... what will happen then ... how does one work on that to make each other happy?
my whole dilemma is ... I don't understand how does his love stop at my body and my love overlooks the balding head and beer belly... love is unconditional ??? right??
There is nothing innately wrong with being attracted to fit bodies, and less attracted to unfit or very obese ones. Nothing. It is not immature, it is not necessarily related to being young or dating. What goes into creating attraction is complex; someone losing the will to try and subsequently gaining 100lbs may result in problems from either the first part or the second. Or it may not reduce the attraction at all, if a partner isn't as visual.
That said: marriage is about a lot more than sexual attraction. I second counseling for yourself, to help you determine what you want.
There is nothing innately wrong with being attracted to fit bodies, and less attracted to unfit or very obese ones. Nothing. It is not immature, it is not necessarily related to being young or dating. What goes into creating attraction is complex; someone losing the will to try and subsequently gaining 100lbs may result in problems from either the first part or the second. Or it may not reduce the attraction at all, if a partner isn't as visual.
That said: marriage is about a lot more than sexual attraction. I second counseling for yourself, to help you determine what you want.
TOTALLY agree, especially if the spouse in question is saying it out of concern and love, i carefully read the OP's post and unless i am missing something, i didn't see anywhere where he treated her bad or is abusive or chauvinistic?
If any of that is the case then yes, she deserves all the sympathy but as much as it totally sucks and HURTS, his feelings in the matter about her weight aren't inherently wrong or evil.
Now being old, sagging boobs and viagra are another thing (yes, i am there, LOL_), not much at all one can do about that except acceptance and trying to be the best you can be.
Last edited by 3fcuser291505109; 08-07-2014 at 09:57 PM.
There is nothing innately wrong with being attracted to fit bodies, and less attracted to unfit or very obese ones. Nothing. It is not immature, it is not necessarily related to being young or dating. What goes into creating attraction is complex; someone losing the will to try and subsequently gaining 100lbs may result in problems from either the first part or the second. Or it may not reduce the attraction at all, if a partner isn't as visual.
That said: marriage is about a lot more than sexual attraction. I second counseling for yourself, to help you determine what you want.
There absolutely isn't a thing wrong with physical attraction being an important component of a relationship, not a bit. But there needs to be some reciprocity, and I'll give you a perfect example: my son's s/o is currently prepping for a physique competition, to be supportive while she's going through cutting he's on the diet, too (down to like 8% bodyfat these days, I think). They're both heavily into the fitness lifestyle, they met in the gym, in fact.
But what the OP said in her original post, and in a succeeding post, is that she never considered herself a tiny girl to begin with (although, IMO size 12 isn't all that big considering more than 60% of the female population is that size and larger) and her husband has kind of let himself go over the years (the phrase she used was beer belly) so it's not like we're talking about some fitness fanatic with bodyfat in the single digits, running and benching 250 lbs.
And for those who think the OP is blowing this out of proportion, look at the title of the thread then note this quote
Quote:
he says, my body is an issue. we had a huge fight the other night ... again..
Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it certainly seems to me this man called his wife and the mother of his children gross, which is not loving, supportive or constructive. It's simply cruel and unacceptable.
There absolutely isn't a thing wrong with physical attraction being an important component of a relationship, not a bit. But there needs to be some reciprocity, and I'll give you a perfect example: my son's s/o is currently prepping for a physique competition, to be supportive while she's going through cutting he's on the diet, too (down to like 8% bodyfat these days, I think). They're both heavily into the fitness lifestyle, they met in the gym, in fact.
But what the OP said in her original post, and in a succeeding post, is that she never considered herself a tiny girl to begin with (although, IMO size 12 isn't all that big considering more than 60% of the female population is that size and larger) and her husband has kind of let himself go over the years (the phrase she used was beer belly) so it's not like we're talking about some fitness fanatic with bodyfat in the single digits, running and benching 250 lbs.
And for those who think the OP is blowing this out of proportion, look at the title of the thread then note this quote Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it certainly seems to me this man called his wife and the mother of his children gross, which is not loving, supportive or constructive. It's simply cruel and unacceptable.
Bang on RnewMe. that support, reciprocity is lacking. we been talking a lot since last night. some promises made between both of us. apologies conveyed.
you were right, we both know where the problem is and I guess we both will have to come up with a solution. couples therapy is happening next month.
he says he worded it too rude but he loves me a lot. the big guy cried also. him being so rude to me is not something I will forget, but love will make me forgive him and move on. I will have to not hold it against it and work on this relationship. we both have to.
For rest every one... Thank you all for your opinions, I opened my book here and you all have the full right to comment and critique it. But I still stand on what I say " love is unconditional (for humans also) and physical appearance does not matter if the soul connection is there, its not sex when two people love each other, its LOVE! " so go on ..keep working on looking good for your partners... I am going to do it for myself first... I will have to love my body now the way it is to make it better. not for him to love me more...since an emotion comes from within not eyes
This makes me so sad, I guess when my guy gets old and wrinkly I am dumping him!! Seriously? Looks really don't matter, they just don't, it is about the person and how they treat you, there are deeper issues at work than your weight gain.
I'll say this though, put down the excess food because 1. It will only make you feel worse. 2. Deepen the rift you're having in your life. 3. If and when you find a better mate it won't make the process easier.
People, especially male people are superficial to one degree or another in general. That is where that bullcrap of "There has to be some kind of physical attraction..." comes from! Guess what? Ted Bundy was physically attractive, and he was a murderer, so what in the heck does that mean? We're looking for lifemates, are we going to be left on a ice floe when we get old and wrinkly and no longer sexy? I am fortunate to be in a relationship w/someone who loves every pound of me, and I wish every plus size girl had that. I want to lose weight to be around for my family, him and MYSELF! Take care of you for yourself, for your family, even for your husband if you want to make it work. However he is a jerk for treating you this way, and I hope while you're improving your health (and let the weight loss follow) you let him know you're giving him another chance. Hopefully when you're smaller he'll be more appreciative of what he has.
Another thing I will add, and then I'll get off my soapbox is people are more attracted to someone who is happy with their self than someone who is mopey or self-conscious, it is hard but check out some fatspo/fat-positive people. I did it, and it helped improve my body image and my perception of myself and what I deserve. I deserve to be happy, healthy and move freely, so I am losing weight because it's more than a looks thing for me. People are also more attracted to a person who is moving their life forward as opposed to wallowing in self-pity, those traits may also consciously or subconsciously play a role in your husband's "disgust" with you.
Last edited by Candidcamster; 08-08-2014 at 01:34 PM.
Hi Chaitna
I am SO sorry to hear your husband is this way toward your body. It can only reinforce the pain you already are feeling. I had my own expereinces with this with my mother. Obviously not sexually. but she rejected me because of my weight. Even though I was not very big most of the time, she still she rejected me for it. And then of coures I rejected myself even more because of this. That rejection of self remains. Just as her rejection of me when I gain weight would continue.
I hope you can find a great therapist who can help you get back some of the self esteem this must have taken from you. And of course couples counseling might be a good idea.
Again, I am so very sorry this is happening. It sounds so lonely and painful. I wish some people understood what they do to someone when they reject them because of their body. The pain and added loss of self esteem can be devistating
I hope you guys work it out and you do this for yourself.
Not to defend your husband but my mum has put on weight over the last 10 years and while not really that big since she has always been fit and super skinny it has totally changed her from a vivacious outgoing person to someone who is more reserved and has a wardrobe of black. My dad is really struggling with this as he is still fit and trim and he hates to see her so sad. Not really about her weight but more how it makes her feel and act. He is useless at tact and so any time he tries to be helpful with her losing weight she feels attacked and unloved. And they clearly are still very much in love. So he asked me to talk to her about it as he knows he is making the situation worse when he is really trying to make it better and is getting very frustrated at not being able to help her be happy. So I had a chat and she seems to be doing better and he is backing off 'helping' and is leaving her to her own devices. It is going well for now.
So I think relationship counseling is great that you guys are going to do it. It may be a similar situation who knows. I just wanted to say it might not be the weight as such but he's not able to properly express himself. But whatever it is I'm sure counseling will shed light on it. Best of luck with both your weight and your marriage.
I'm not married so I'll keep my comments short.
Fat shaming doesn't work. The more people nag/ harass/ reject you because of the weight, the more hurt and upset you feel, and the more you eat.
I get it all the time from my brother and family. Most of them are fat too, but that doesn't stop them. I never fat shame them, but it seems the respect only goes one way.
my boyfriend a couple months ago made a comment about how my body had been affecting our relationship. but after we sat down and really talked aobut it it came down to him feeling like i wasn't self confident anymore and it was a big turn off. so since then, we've been working out together and eating better together. and he celebrates my weight loss victories and NSV just as much as i do because to him, i have found myself again.
I am going through kind of the same issue except my husband and I are still having sex and I'm the one that is too disgusted with myself to have sex. I mean he said he wished I was a size 8 again and hates how big my thighs have gotten, which really hurt me alot...I almost left him, I said a husband is there to bring you up not down and the reason I gained so much weight was because of him almost cheating on me and I just was so depressed I ate and ate and ate. Although I was never a size 8 with him I was also a 12, but men don't know much about sizes.
I am going to therapy now which is helping a lot...we went to marriage therapy at first but our insurance only covered 12 sessions of marriage therapy it helped him ALOT and now I'm seeing my own therapist and he's helping me trust myself again and build my self esteem.
I wish there was an OA group near here but there's not if there's an OA group near you consider going to it. As for Divorce that's always the very LAST option. If you haven't tried therapy go. Then if you still want to divorce the therapist can help you and your ENTIRE family transition making it much easier for the entire family.
if lucky we do it once in 2 months. he says, my body is an issue. we had a huge fight the other night ... again.. over this topic. now I am sick of this. I don't feel like hugging him or touching him or even sleeping next to him. I look for excuses for sleeping in my kids room (its cooler, my son wants to trade beds, I have to work late.. any excuse I can come up with
[B][/omg that is so cruel for your husband to say that about you! You should not have fights about your weight.... please tell him he needs to understand that you are hurt about this you need to sit down with him and hash this whole thing out once and for all B]
Your husband should love you no matter what. If he loves you, weight should not change that. He should understanding that you have gained weight since having kids, since that changed you and your body. He didn't change physically by you both having kids. He should motivate you and not cause issue or make you feel bad about yourself. He should work out with you, eat well with you, to help you reach your goal.
Now with that said you’re not going to find happiness in food and you know you won't reach the happiness in your marriage unless you change your weight. Ask yourself a few questions to see things from his side. Look through his eyes. What did you look like when you married? Who did he fall in love with? If he meet you now, would he pursue you as you currently are? Remember your looks is probably what first drew him to you. Why 12 may be a larger size, 65lbs and 2X is much bigger, this does make a difference.
We expect or love ones to feel the same no matter what but why love should not change no matter what, that does not mean that our love ones will change how they see us. If you want him to look at you as he used to, you have to give him what he fell in love with. However, you should talk to him, tell him to help motivate you, not hurt you. Tell him to work out with you or eat healthy with you. You will have more success if everyone is doing it together and not you alone. That includes the kids, make them eat healthy to keep trash out of your house.
i think that being physically attracted to someone can certainly depend on physical appearance. There is nothing inherently wrong with honestly expressing feelings...even uncomfortable, unpleasant feelings so long as they are expressed in a respectful way, from a place of love. It doesn't sound like the manner in which you two are communicating is all that constructive.
I agree. Love aside if he does not find you attractive anymore then no matter how much he loves you, the fact that he actually told you shows that is a big issue. I don't know details, it could be physical limitations and not so much the looks. I have been in similar situations where having sex was difficult because of sizes where a longer penis or slimmer partner was required for a more enjoyable experience.
It might sound harsh but as others have said, couple therapy, also work on yourself and find the motivation to lose weight for yourself. It seem you are uncomfortable with your own weight as well.
