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seabiscuit 04-21-2014 07:33 PM

Trouble with my relationship with my mother

Does anyone have any advice on mother daughter relationships? I have had issues with my mother for awhile but over the weekend we got into a nasty argument. She isn't very accepting of my countless apologies, she never admit when she's done something wrong. I am quite depressed about this and she is holding what I said against her even though I have tried to mend fences. She suggested giving each other some space, maybe that is what is best. She and I have too close of a relationship, maybe we need to distance ourselves. Thanks.

EasySpirit 04-21-2014 07:50 PM

I learned as a young adult to talk to my mother about general topics - - how do I get an ink stain out? Did you watch the game last night? And, whenever she gave unsolicited advice, I listened, then said, "thanks for letting me know your view (opinion.) I will think about it." Then I immediately changed the subject. My mother got into it with my two sisters, because they went back at her. I sometimes took the same offense they did, but did not say anything - - My feeling was Why bother? She certainly wasn't going to change. I was the only one who could have a fairly pleasant visit because I did that. My mother never seemed to understand that we were adults, AND she never got over the fact that she had all grandsons, no granddaughters, and she had three sons and three daughters and acted desperate to have a granddaughter.

Families are so complicated. My advice is to half-listen, thank her for her advice, and then change the subject.

Brandis 04-21-2014 09:21 PM

Unfortunately, my mother passed away before we got to a good spot as adults. We had a strained relationship as I was growing up, and my mother had depression issues. But I totally understand the situation you are describing. It is a tenuous thing sometimes, the mother/daughter relationship. Maybe some distance for awhile would be an okay thing, just so you can take a step back and look at it from another angle. I loved my Mom, and had great respect for her, and I feel that if she would've lived longer, we would have had an understanding. Don't give up on the relationship. Just give it some time.

seabiscuit 04-21-2014 10:30 PM

Thank you both for the replies.

Easy spirit -

I very much relate to what you are saying. For years she has given unsolicited advice and I think she may be finally getting the drift that I am sick of it because it's annoying. She also plays Devil's Advocate a lot which is infuriating. I often feel like exactly what you said- why bother? Why do I care when I feel she doesn't! We are giving each other some much needed space. I just wish she could realize that it's not about her always being right.


I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. I guess
I feel that she is getting older and I want to make the best of our relationship but lately we've been in a lot more arguments. I think that is the case because I am standing up for myself and asserting myself more as I'm getting older. I feel like she treats me like a child sometimes.

Take care. Thanks!

EasySpirit 04-22-2014 11:24 AM

Seabiscuit, you will always be a child to your mother. My mother passed away four years ago, and I am not one bit sorry that I took the easy way out and did not argue with her, and believe me, it was annoying as could be. Try to remember that she honestly wants what SHE THINKS is best for you, and can't understand why you can't see that.

Weird - - I do not have daughters, but I would probably be the same way with them if I did.

seabiscuit 04-28-2014 02:40 PM

Hi Easy Spirit-

Thank you for that advice, we are doing a lot better now. Every now and then we have arguments but we do love each other very much. Thank you for those wise words. I am sorry for your loss.

VermontMom 04-28-2014 04:32 PM

Seabiscuit, I am so sorry I didn't see this last week! I do hope that you and your mom can come to some kind of relationship that isn't strained. I also think what EasySpirit said is excellent. It is frustrating when we don't see why someone doesn't agree with us, when the truth seems so obvious :) I also think what she said about her not being one bit sorry about NOT arguing with her, was so sweet.

I hope your mom starts to see you as the lovely, strong, caring woman that you are!

EasySpirit 04-28-2014 06:19 PM

Thank you for your kind words, VermontMom. The problem with my mother, and with most, was she wanted her children to have perfect lives, and she thought she knew the best way for that to happen. My mother was a good person who wanted her six kids to have an easier life. She and my father put all six of us through college, telling us they would pay our way if we promised to pay for our further degrees, which we all did.
Her problem with my sisters and me as adults was she thought she knew what was best for us and gave us her opinion....whether it be about a shade of lipstick, the house we bought, how we arranged our furniture, our spouse's family, just about anything except how to raise our kids....she drew the line on that (although she would complain about each of us to the others - - She once told me about my sister, a physician "Those boys look like they just came out of the rag bag. Someone should tell her that her patients would run the other way if she saw the wrinkled clothes she put on those boys." I said, "If it bothers you that much you should tell her." Needless to say, she never did, but if those nephews dropped by, my mother would tell them to take their shirt off so she could press it!
She always wanted us to "make a good appearance," and stressed "what goes on in this house, stays in this house." which now seems so weird, as nothing went on in the house that could not have been published on Page One of the local newspaper. It was that "Greatest Generation" of women, and they could not seem to help themselves.

My advice is to be kind to your mother; listen, thank her for her advice regardless of what you think of it, change the subject and do not argue.

Regardless of your relationship, you will miss your mother when she is gone. It is much easier on me than my two sisters as I never saw the point in arguing with her, going weeks without speaking to her, and so on. I realized that she only wanted the best for us, regardless of how she tried to tell us what we should do.

MonicaM 04-28-2014 06:36 PM

Seabiscuit, I know exactly how you feel, and I think you should take EasySpirit's advice. You are not going to change your mother, but you can change yourself and free yourself of the guilt of your relationship with her.

seabiscuit 05-04-2014 09:06 PM

Thank you all so much for these kind and wise words.

Easy Spirit,

Again my condolences for your loss of your mother. She sounded like a wonderful lady. Thank you for your advice.

Vermont Mom,

Thank you for your support. It means a lot.


Thank you very much for those wise words.

Things are much better between us. I am very lucky and fortunate to have her as my mother, sometimes I forget that. She is a very special lady.

Thank you.

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