Guys, please just let me vent and be completely honest.
I am 5'1" and I weigh 213 pounds. I got on the scale this morning and I literally cried. The thing is, I used to be athletic. Physical fitness was my number one point of pride. I beat the sit up and push up record for girls in my middle and high school. I swam and fenced in college. I was happy, healthy, curvy and STRONG. I would walk down the street and people's heads would turn.
But then I got so depressed that I literally wanted to die. I had been living in Italy for a permanent move and had to come home early due to two rapid fire deaths in the family. Then my relationship turned increasingly abusive. We broke up a few months later, and I felt like a complete failure both because of the break up and because of having to move back home with my parents. I spent the next three years wallowing in self pity, sadness and food and ended up with almost constant suicidal thoughts.
I used to be so happy and vibrant and I became a former shell of myself, preferring to not go out. My friendships suffered. Everything suffered.
Then I met a great guy. He was tall, handsome and Swedish. He was perfect... like this tall, strong Viking and I felt like, "dude, why are you even with me?!" And he thought I was beautiful! I couldn't believe it. We finally met, and he loved me very much but I still hated how I looked and I hated letting him touch me. I would lash out at him because I was insecure with myself, and so that relationship crumbled. He got married to another girl almost immediately after and that crushed me.
So for months I resolved to change my depression. I started seeing a doctor for it. I started eating healthier again. I started working out again. The sun came out. I even dropped a pants size (it took me a month). I was finally feeling better. Then when I felt completely better, I met a new guy! He also is tall and handsome and I can't believe he actually likes me. I'm supposed to move to his country (we met on a website about his country when I asked a question about a particular school) for a new lease on life. My move was scheduled for this March. Then, all of a sudden feeling fat and disgusting, I moved it back to June. Now it's the end of July. I feel like he will see me in person and be grossed out by me no matter what. And so I started to go back into old habits, and I put on 12 pounds, making me the heaviest I've ever been.
I don't want to **** this relationship up. I want to be healthy again. I want to be happy. I want to be in not ****ing plus sized clothing by the time I move. I want to be back to a size 8 or 10 by the time I go (I'm a 14-16 now). Even if he leaves, I want to be healthy. I want to do this for MYSELF, not for ANYONE else (and I am). I can't keep living like this. Tomorrow I'm starting to exercise again. I already have my fridge stocked with good foods. I feel like such a **** up--I mean, I LOVE vegetables and healthy foods so why don't I just EAT THEM? I just... I need this.
I guess I just wanted words of encouragement. I need to know that I can do this. I need to know my goals aren't goo lofty. I need to know I'm strong and I'm a bad ***. I'm trying
Sorry for the wall 'o text, guys.