3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community  

Go Back   3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community > Support Forum > Depression and Weight Issues

Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

Need Advice about Depressed Friend...

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-06-2014, 06:59 PM   #1
Senior Member
 
JudgeDread's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 503

S/C/G: 160/150/145

Height: 5'7

Default Need Advice about Depressed Friend...

Hi Ladies,
I am looking for some insight on depression. I have a friend who is clinically depressed and she has been repeating a mistake by dating an abusive *******, recently just went through her 5th time giving him a chance. Keep in mind I now live across the country so I am not able to physically be there for her.
Here are the facts…
1. She is mid 40s, has 3 kids. Only full custody of the youngest (8), and the oldest is in college.
2. Her Ex-husband is the local sheriff of a rural county. He already shacked up with another woman rather quickly after the divorce.
3. Her ex was never physically abusive, but was kind of a dick to her. He continues to claim he can’t afford to pay half of the children’s extra expenses because he is “broke” which is a lie obviously he has more money than a single, unemployed mother.
4. She has been on Eharmony and other dating sites, but she hasn’t found anyone she likes. So she gets quickly discouraged.
5. Prior to her divorce she lost 30 lbs, looking great, and had the confidence to actually do the divorce.
6. Her job was outsource last fall, so she is unemployed. She is taking classes.
7. Her family has a history of depression and anxiety.

About the abusive *******.
1. He is in his 50s, lives with his mother. No kids, never been married.
2. She met him at her old job. He is now unemployed and hasn’t made an effort to get a job.
3. He is a cheap ass…and by that I mean he would make her drive on the dates and pay for meals. If he paid he made her eat off the dollar menu while he had the value meal. This ******* was even so cheap he wouldn’t fix the furnace…in other words he had to constantly go home and start the furnace for mommy.
4. For the first several months he would never let her look inside his bedroom. They slept in the living room on the couch while the mother slept nearby in the chair. Even having sex in the same room as the sleeping mother.
5. So there’s a lot I hate about this dick…but the straw that broke the camel’s back is when he PUSHED her down a flight of stairs back in November. When she got up he continued to pusher he down into a table...and then out the door. She was ok minus some bruises…she did take pictures and had a friend chiropractor document the injuries.
6. He has a baby penis. (which she states he has never pleased her)

So I went home for Christmas, after the stairs incident. She swore she was done with him, for the 3rd time. After blocking him on her phone, he shows up to her place. She lets him in, again. My wedding reception (several months post wedding) was on one evening during my Christmas visit. (She was a bridesmaid). She had promised my mom she would help decorate. I came down with the stomach flu that day, and when I spoke to her she had stated my mom said they were “good” so she wasn’t going to go help. Later I find out from my mom, that she had indeed asked for her to come help. Later I find out my friend was with that piece of ****. She had ditched out on my mom for him. The next day I invited her over to have a dinner with me and my family. She said she couldn’t…when I asked why, she said she had company…of course…and he had spent the night. So I told her to come over and have him go home since she already saw him…she said she couldn’t…so I hung up as I was furious that she could choose that piece of **** over her “best” friend who is home for 2 weeks out of a year or more.

So that was my breaking point. I wrote her a long letter confronting her about how I felt. She had in the past backed out on my mom to be with this dickhead when she promised to help her. My mom and dad have helped her out a lot….even with money…as she complained she didn’t have enough money for groceries, my mom gave her money and then we found out that same week drove him to the nearest city and paid for his meal.

During her times of dating this ******* she also has a pattern of not answering her phone or taking a LONG time to call me or my mom back. She also disappears from facebook. I know now that it is probably a shame thing as she knows everyone hates this guy. But it is something that has bugged us from the start.

She has told everyone who cares about her about what this piece of **** did to her. NOBODY likes him, yet she STILL goes back. She readily admits that she knows it’s stupid. I have given her many motivational pep talks and tried my best to boost her confidence. Yet for some reason she just lets him back in (and he knows it). Her own son (the college aged one) stated that next time he saw him he would shoot him (after she told him about the stairs).

So back to the letter…I told her that it pissed us off that she would do all these things. I wasn’t calling her names, but I wasn’t sugar coating anything. It was basically a big guilt trip…in which I feel she should have felt bad about the way she treated me and my mom…making us less important than an abusive jerk. Rather than her having it click…she got really defensive. She denied choosing him over us. She denied the times she ditched my parents by saying she either didn’t know or that my mom said she didn’t need the help (which my mom said she did ask for the help).

It didn’t dawn on me till after that fight that I realized she was clinically depressed. I didn’t see the signs but she told me she wasn’t sleeping right…among a few other things. Every time I saw her she seemed happy, but as I researched depression more it made sense. So I told her she needed help, she agreed as though she already knew and I told her to get in to get some meds and counseling.
She did, according to her. I have barely spoke with her since then but she claims to have been taking the pills and seeing the counselor…all the while AGAIN dating the abusive *******. I knew she was because she again disappeared on facebook…and wouldn’t take the time to call me or my mom unless she needed something (which she denied that being the reasoning that she even called.)

She reappeared last weekend because she got into a fight with him. Again she had drove him and his mother 3 hours away to go work on his crappy fixer upper house. I am surprised she actually left him there this time as on Black Friday he was stalking her in another city…forced her to acknowledge his presence…then his truck wouldn’t start so she gave him a ride to his house an hour out of the way. Anyways she facebooked me saying she needed to get away and wished she had money to visit me. (I paid for her plane ticket after her divorce to come visit me and let off steam).

I didn’t reply right away. I was pissed off that she did it again. And even more because now we know he could physically hurt her. I do not believe he is abusing her on a consistent basis…but he opened the door to it. And by the way, she did not call the cops after the stairs because she was afraid that any police interaction would affect her custody of the kids. I tried and tried to get her to press charges and/or get a restraining order and she kept on about fearing that her ex-husband sheriff would take away her kids. I don’t believe that would be the outcome, but I respected her fear of it and did not call the cops, yet. (yes her ex is a douche so he would probably try to find any excuse to get the kids, even though he doesn’t really give a **** about them.)

So alas I was mad and told her that she kept making the same mistakes over and over… and I told her she knew better as she was admitting that she was better than him and deserved better. The only reason she said she thinks she keeps going back to him is because “if a looser like that doesn’t want me then who will”…(which she knows is bullshit because she has had a few different men locally that want to date her.)


So my questions to you guys who have had experience with depression or depressed people:

Why is she repeating her same mistake when she KNOWS he is never going to make her happy?

Why does she deny and get defensive when I tell her the truth?

Why does she give him chances after her own son want’s to shoot him? What if he does and then it ruins his life because he has to sit in jail for 20 years???????

Just because your depressed does is it a legitimate excuse for making bad choices over and over??????
--------------------------------------------

I am having such a hard time trying to understand her. It does drive me bananas thinking about it. I want to be her friend but I cannot continue to go through this with her time and time again. I told her that, and she got all mad saying a true friend would never judge or stop being a friend over that. On my side I keep telling her that we are her true friends who love and care for her, but are sick of seeing her getting hurt because she refuses to tell him to get the **** out of her life. I know I can’t make her stop seeing him, but it seems like and dry situation for her…the pros and cons scale isn’t even balanced…its ALL CONS.

I don’t understand if I am just not understanding how depressed people think…or what….? I am having a struggle where to draw the line…should I blame her for digging her own hole…or should I cut her even more slack because of the depression? I do feel like babying her is letting her off the hook. I tried coddling her many times before…trying to boost her self esteem..etc. I just can’t do it anymore because NOTHING works.
So please offer up your opinions and advise. I don’t want to lose her as a friend but moreso I do not want to see her end up in a worse situation than before she was divorced. I have literally said about everything I can think of, many times, to try to help her.

What am I missing? Or do I need to just stop talking to her?????

Thanks guys…
JudgeDread is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2014, 08:51 PM   #2
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 238

Height: 5'6"

Default

I heard this once & it is totally true: "People accept the love they think they deserve." She goes out with jerks because she really thinks she can "fix him" or that he is what she deserves.

This is how I make the decision on who I allow to remain in my life... lifelong friend or not... does being around them, talking to them or interacting with them make your life more or less pleasant? I love my sister dearly. I do not spend time with her because she is a psychic vampire who drags me down. I have to choose me over them.

The bottom line is it is her life. She has to be the one to make her own choices. You can talk until you are blue in the face & it is not going to change her mind.

If it were me, I would cut my losses. I would be there in case she needs me, but let her do her own thing.
IAmTheGlue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2014, 10:30 PM   #3
Miraculous Amus Babus ;)
 
seabiscuit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: the great USA :)
Posts: 2,036

S/C/G: 271/217/140

Default

Hi,

I agree with Glue in that this is her life and you can't make her choices for her, but being there to support her is nice of you, just take care of yourself too and don't let yourself get taken advantage of. This is a difficult situation, the guy sounds like a complete douche but if she can't see that, it's like speaking a foreign language to her. She has to want to change things positively, you can't do it for her. I was in a verbally abusive relationship for a few months and it was hard for me to not be in because I wanted love, companionship, etc. My friends and family were in a similar position as you are, they wanted me to leave him but I wasn't ready. When I did leave him, I ran right back, only to fall flat on my face so to speak. I hope that she gets an attorney involved and presses charges, and involves state police, I hope his sorry *** ends up in a horrible and scummy prison, but she has to make that happen.

Good luck.

Amy
__________________
Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be. KT Tunstall

Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. Oliver Goldsmith

This is my chance! Shinedown

Go for it. Tabatha Coffey

Don't give up the fight...Determination always gets you where you're going. Stevie Nicks

Take your passion and make it happen! Irene Cara
seabiscuit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2014, 11:40 PM   #4
Junior Member
 
SusanDenny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Brisbane, QLD, Australia
Posts: 12

S/C/G: 176/176/150

Height: 5'5''

Default

Fighting Depression is not easy and if you've never suffered from it then it's very difficult for others, especially family and friends to understand.
You cannot do anything for her except tell her that you love her and are there for her when she needs you.
She needs serious medical help but once again it's up to her to make the decision to go. If you can, get family members and friends together and do an intervention. Maybe if she sees so many people who care for her are there to support her she may decide to get help.
She probably doesn't realize it but she has a very caring friend in you!
SusanDenny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2014, 06:19 PM   #5
Senior Member
 
JudgeDread's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 503

S/C/G: 160/150/145

Height: 5'7

Default

Thanks guys for taking the time to read and respond. I know a part of me feels like I could do so much more if I was living back at home...because I could be there to at least occupy some of her time so she wouldn't be lonely and turn to him. I would have also confronted this ******* by now and told him off. I guess I feel helpless in a way, or guilty I can't do more.

She really does have some good friends and family and it just baffles me that she'd cut off contacting us and remove herself from normal social stuff just to be with him.

Do you think if I contacted him and threatened to call the police about the incident that it would backfire? I do believe he is a pansy and would stay away from her if I did that. I know she may get mad at me but I would rather have her angry with me than her with him...as I know she would get over him...the only concern is if she had custody issues as a result....that is the only thing really stopping me...
JudgeDread is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Posts by members, moderators and admins are not considered medical advice
and no guarantee is made against accuracy.


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:34 PM.






Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2