I'm making this thread because my heart is broken and I don't know who to turn to.
My mum's leaving my house tomorrow. I kinda sent her away. But oh! How it breaks my heart. I needed to take that decision however.
I'm the worst emotional eater who's walked the earth (the universe even). I can't feel anything without turning to food first and last thing.
My mum and I have this kind of super volcanic relationship. I admit that at the time I had severe depression, we didn't know about it and she didn't get all those slight implications of the whole depression thingy. I would binge/emotional eat constantly because I didn't feel good with her around me. I don't even feel confortable with her around me. And yet she's such a great person and a great mum!!!
She has diabetes too. She's been fighting to avoid insulin at all cost so she's taking care of her health food wise, that is, she eats healthy food in small amounts throughout the day and she succeeds beautifully in controlling her weight and blood sugar levels. She has about 6 small meals a day and she can have just a little bit of something she loves. I can't. I'm so used to living all alone and buying lean food (because I eat whatever I find in my kitchen) so I make sure I ONLY have very lean things around myself. She's been cooking healthy food most of the time but I can't help eating a lot of those (starchy carbs), eating constantly or eating late at night or even in the middle of the night.
So I prefer to be alone cos only then can I control whatever I buy and therefore eat. She understands and she's very supportive, but constantly seeing her around food makes me crave those foods so much!!
Now I'm on antidepressants and I feel 100 times better, I'm doing well with my diet and very proud of myself (She'd been absent for a few weeks).
And now, she's back trying to stay with me (She has her own house but somehow she prefers to be with me, for the company and other advantages).
It's breaking my heart but I'm sending my mum away. As simple as that. I feel so miserable but I'm sure it's the price to pay to stay on track cos she provokes emotional eating in me all the time and she makes food too available around the house too much time.
I feel like a bad daughter (I'm not
) and a terrible person (I am). I know I'm causing us a lot of sadness and bitterness but I'm maintaining my decision. For my mental sanity and my health.
I just saw her luggage, packed in the doorway. I felt so bad and I'm rushing here to vent, but I NEED to talk to her. Reassure her that I love her presence, and she can come back later when my goals are reached, but that I need loneliness in the meantime to rebuild my own self and make life better for myself. I'm gonna miss her so much, my heart is bleeding, aching.
The first time I tried to prevent my mum from moving in with me for some time, my sister told me that it was one of the biggest mistakes that life never forgives and makes you regret later. I'm feeling so guilty!
Sorry for so much negativity. I just needed listening ears.