*I'm apologizing in advance for this long winded, rambling post. I hope at least one person will read and listen*

Hi there. I'm new here. I found this site through a google search and I've been skimming through this thread. Everyone seemed so supportive so I decided to register. I'm female, 22 years old, 5 foot 6 and a half inches, 190 pounds and miserable. As you can see from the title of this thread, I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. Back in 2009 I left school due to an anxiety disorder which caused me to lose all of my friends. I became depressed and turned to food. In March 2010 my Mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness, which made me even more addicted to food. By December 2010 I had ballooned to 212 pounds. My highest ever weight. This was a huge embarrassment as I'd always been very slim and active. Gaining so much weight made me hide away from the world. I stopped going out. I decided to not go back to school. I avoided the one friend I had left. I was ready to end it all. I didn't as I didn't have the courage to. Fast forward to Fall 2011 and I was down to 182 pounds. This was from cutting out junk food completely because my family couldn't afford it. We could barely afford to put food on the table at this point (maybe a blessing in disguise?). I was feeling better about myself but for some reason as soon as my family were in a better financial position, I started binging again.

Here I am 2 years later back up to 190 pounds and I'm more depressed than ever. I don't want to be this person any more. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted. I hate myself. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for not being able to force myself to exercise or eat healthy. I just can't do it. I want to be fit and healthy again. I want to have an education and a career and a life. I don't want to waste the next 5 years sitting on my ***, stuffing my face. WHY isn't this enough motivation to get me moving? I just don't understand. It's simple, eat less, move more and you lose weight. So why can't I do this? Any time I see I've gone down a few pounds, I seem to get lazy and start eating junk again. I feel like I'm sabotaging every chance at having a normal and happy life. I'm at my wits end here. I want to lose this extra weight once and for all but I don't see how that's possible when I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole with no one there to pull me out. Please help me.

Awwwwwwwww.... My heart goes out to u. Sorry to hear abt ur share of hard times and now tht u have decided to take control over things, u have come to a good place.
my only advice would be to not get overwhelmed by setting unrealistic goals or starting too much at the same time. take baby steps, bring about small changes and do not be too hard on urself. take charge...but do not overdo it. Go out for a walk..1 mins ,then 15 and soon u will be waling miles and burning calories and eating healthier....and u will surely feel good about urself. Love urself....u have been given this precious gift of life, enjoy it, savor every moment. So, shun self pity...and live ur life!!!

Welcome! I'm so sorry you are struggling. Here is my advice and take it with a grain of salt:

1. Shelve the self-hate. You've had a rough time and food is comforting. You're human, you wanted comfort, that doesn't make you a monster worthy of hate! It makes you human. Forgive yourself and get ready to move on. You can make new habits for yourself -- KNOW that you CAN do this, because you CAN!

2. Make a plan food plan and an exercise plan and write it down. Make it a reasonable plan -- start slowly knowing that transitioning to new habits is hard and you want to be gentle with yourself. I agree with Iamritu, make small changes and increase the changes over time. Seriously, you can accomplish ALOT this way without overloading yourself with stress!

Maybe make a little calendar where you can draw on smiley faces showing yourself that you are making positive changes. Don't worry about perfection, you will make mistakes along the way (we ALL do!), just keep plugging along!

3. Come hang out at 3FC, lots of great support here. When the urge to chuck it all hits you, come here instead.

4. Can I suggest you change your screen name? I don't want to offend you, but I don't want your name to be a constant self-fulfilling prophecy! "Withouthope"
is just so sad. You aren't without hope or you wouldn't be here. Just a suggestion made with the best of intentions for you, so please don't be mad.

Hang in there!

My best guess is you felt better about yourself because you had more energy from the "Cheaper" "Not junk" Food, When our bodies have proper food we feel better, have more energy and ironically...Like ourselves better because the chemicals and preservatives in the "junk" aren't affecting our hormones and body chemistry.


Try taking small steps. Make a conscious effort to drink more water for a week, then make an effort to drink ONLY water for a week, next week make an effort to put your walking gear on "shoes, clothes, etc" then make it an effort to put it all on and walk outside...Then put it all on , walk outside and go for a walk!! then another step might be, eat for fruit...then eat more veggies, etc etc...these may seem like small stupid steps all laid out but in the long run...taking the baby steps won't be as overwhelming as "changing eating habits completely and implementing exercise" all at once. Good luck and welcome!!!